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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Worried about step-daughter

38 replies

WineandWellies · 07/06/2021 14:07

My partners children (SD5 and SD10) come round for a night in the week and EOW. I have a really good relationship with them (albeit I've had issues with my partner expecting me to do too much of the parenting/drudgery - which seems to have improved a lot after putting my foot down).

The last couple of times they've been here, SD10 has wet the bed. They did both go through a bad stage of this after their parents divorce (long before I was on the scene) obviously triggered by the stress of it, but they've both been dry at nights since.

SD10 has tried to hide it with towels/throws when its happened so she's obviously embarrassed about it. I only noticed because the younger one mentioned a towel being put down, and I thought she might've started her period and checked her bed when she went out.

As it's happened more than the once we think we need to address it with her. She's starting high school this year, in the middle of moving house (her mums) and both parents have introduced new partners in the last 18 months, so it could just be general insecurity/anxiety. However, we need to rule out that it's not anything more serious.

She seems happy and upbeat, if a little clingy/young for her age, when she's here, but her aunt noticed she was more subdued than normal on a recent day out with them.

We think I might be the best person to talk to her, as she opens up a bit more to me than her dad. I'm just wondering how to approach this? I don't want to overstep or come across as pushy/embarrass her but its important that we know what's wrong, and really need to get it out of her.

In the meantime we're going to try to keep it as calm and nurturing an environment as possible when she's here, and maybe look after her as though she's a little younger than she is for a while whilst we deal with whatever it is. Does anyone have any other suggestions/advice?

OP posts:

FindingMeno · 07/06/2021 14:10

You sound very caring, which is lovely.
I think this needs talking about with her mum, personally.

Original poster

WineandWellies · 07/06/2021 14:19

@FindingMeno

You sound very caring, which is lovely. I think this needs talking about with her mum, personally.

That was my first thought, that I would want to know if I was her mum.

However, she is very high conflict and it will inevitably create a shitshow of drama. I also don't want SD10 to think she can't trust us, or tell us things without "grassing her up". I know that's not how it is but I'm just thinking how I would've seen it at 10 years old.

We just thought if I had a quiet word first and tried to get it out of her, then we could decide if it was serious enough to open that can of worms. If she wont tell either of us and it keeps happening, we'll obviously have to go to mum, and potentially to school so they can keep an eye on any issues there.

OP posts:

FindingMeno · 07/06/2021 14:20

Do you know whether this is happening at her mums or whether it is something mum is aware of and dealing with?

Original poster

WineandWellies · 07/06/2021 14:20

It's hard because we're obviously not privvy to half her life, and mum and dad don't have the kind of relationship where they can sensibly discuss these kinds of issues for the sake of the kids, unfortunately. Blame on both sides for that.

OP posts:

BlueSurfer · 07/06/2021 14:21

You could take her for a drive and have a general chat with her to see if she opens up.

FindingMeno · 07/06/2021 14:24

Cross-posted.
Ah, I see the dilemma.
Tricky. I'd be tempted to observe and see if you can work out any issues through general unrelated chat.
It might be as simple as needing to leave a light on.

Original poster

WineandWellies · 07/06/2021 14:31

Thanks both. I'm thinking Saturday evening, we'll have had a nice day on a local farm and we could get the little one in bed and my partner could go out for a bit.

Gives us another night or two to see if it happens again too.

OP posts:

SilentPanic · 07/06/2021 14:36

I have no answers for you, but just want to say that you sound like a lovely, caring SM who is very careful of the child's feelings.

Original poster

WineandWellies · 07/06/2021 14:37

@SilentPanic

I have no answers for you, but just want to say that you sound like a lovely, caring SM who is very careful of the child's feelings.

Thank you, that means a lot!

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 07/06/2021 16:00

I was going to suggest getting a waterproof mattress protector....just so the mattress doesn't get ruined.

I was thinking, rather than address the bed wetting specifically...could it be a general chat about how she's doing, if anything is worrying her, how she's managed with all the changes in the last year and other things...maybe frame it as you've noticed she seems quieter than usual and just want to see how she feels. Ask how she's settled in the new house...school...friends...teachers etc
Perhaps mentioning that all the change, is probably quite challenging for her and is there anything that she can think of that might help her.

Not to be done in an interrogating way...but more checking on her welfare kind of way.

That's what I think should be said...but I feel like, s a parent, I wouldn't want a SP to do this. Perhaps as it doesn't specifically mention the bed wetting...her dad could do it.

Addressing the bed wetting could cause a lot of embarrassment and she may be reluctant to come again because she's ashamed.

Original poster

WineandWellies · 07/06/2021 16:56

Good idea on the mattress protector, I've ordered one to put underneath her normal one.

I just think it would be better coming from me. If its anything that's happening at her mums, she wont want to tell my partner. She's told him something previously and he reacted completely the wrong way, flew off the handle and stormed round to mums, and she's not really confided in him since. He knows this and really regrets it. She's very reluctant to share what's happening at her other home, and vice versa in case she says the wrong thing at either end and it's hard seeing a child that age feeling like she has to be so diplomatic.

I'm not jumping to conclusions about something so serious, but something that's crossed my mind - Mums new boyfriend has a past history of messing about with much younger girls, and if its anything like that, she will definitely not tell her dad. Obviously that's the very very very worst case scenario, and I won't even mention the thought to my partner or SD. It's just a niggle.

Hopefully she's just a bit unsettled by all the change.

OP posts:

Original poster

WineandWellies · 07/06/2021 17:02

When I say younger girls, I mean 16, which I know is a long way off from 10, but still concerning.

OP posts:

MiniTheMinx · 07/06/2021 17:27

Reading your post, my first thought was mums new bf.

I wouldn't start a conversation about bed wetting. I would go in casually with more general chit chat, don't expect to get too far with one conversation. Don't expect to get at the core issue directly. You need her to feel able to confide in you if there is a problem.

HollowTalk · 07/06/2021 17:31

Are you saying that her stepfather does have a thing for young girls or are you suggesting that might be the case?

SandyY2K · 07/06/2021 17:57

Okay...then perhaps you're the right person to talk to her.

Try asking how she and her sister get on with stepdad. What sort of activities they do as a family. See if her demeanour changes when she talks about him or when you mention him.

It might also be that she doesn't like her stepdad much. You might need to start by talking about other stuff, lighter easy topics.....gaining her trust.

It could be as a result of stress or insecurity. Or a UTI infection.

Original poster

WineandWellies · 07/06/2021 18:02

@HollowTalk

Are you saying that her stepfather does have a thing for young girls or are you suggesting that might be the case?

He got a 16 year old pregnant, he would've been a middle aged man at the time, probably approx 15 years ago. There are other rumours, people round here love to talk, but that's the only thing I know for fact.

I'm not saying it's the case, or even that I suspect it, its just crossed my mind as a possibility, it is likely to be any number of much smaller issues, insecurity, bullying etc.

OP posts:

bogoffmda · 07/06/2021 18:15

OP you sound lovely.

I would go for a drive and causally ask if she needs some extra towels in her room when she stays.
Subtle enough for her to realise you know there is a problem.
Acknowledges her need and does not embarrass her

You could also add - I had a similar problem.

Gives her an opening to say something if she wants.

HollowTalk · 07/06/2021 18:39

I would definitely talk to her privately about it. It must be awful for her. Buy something to protect the mattress and perhaps get one of those quilts you can just put into the wash - no covers needed.

Here's one from M&S

FinallyHere · 07/06/2021 18:43

Good idea on the mattress protector, I've ordered one to put underneath her normal one.

Could you possibly arrange one on each bed, rather than just hers ? She is bound to notice it, check and I'm sure would feel relieved if there was one on each bed, rather than hers being singled out.

Sidneysussex · 07/06/2021 18:49

With my profession head on. Who is the mums new BF??????? Sorry seen this before

SandyY2K · 07/06/2021 20:28

Could you possibly arrange one on each bed, rather than just hers ? She is bound to notice it, check and I'm sure would feel relieved if there was one on each bed, rather than hers being singled out.

Good advice.

Original poster

WineandWellies · 07/06/2021 20:42

@FinallyHere

Good idea on the mattress protector, I've ordered one to put underneath her normal one.

Could you possibly arrange one on each bed, rather than just hers ? She is bound to notice it, check and I'm sure would feel relieved if there was one on each bed, rather than hers being singled out.

Thank you, that's a good idea. I've changed both girls beds when its happened so she doesn't dwell on it.

OP posts:

Original poster

WineandWellies · 07/06/2021 20:46

@Sidneysussex

With my profession head on. Who is the mums new BF??????? Sorry seen this before

I know, but I can't accuse anyone based on a niggle of a feeling. I used to work with children's safeguarding nurses (admin side of things) so perhaps I'm just hyper-aware that this stuff goes on.

It's a long jump from being a not-very-nice bloke to paedophile. Chances are its nothing like that, but we need to find out. Her word or her hinting at anything like that would be enough for us to involve the police straight away but we need to approach this delicately I think.

OP posts:

FinallyHere · 07/06/2021 21:24

I've changed both girls beds when its happened so she doesn't dwell on it.

Oh, you are kind @WineandWellies, that is so thoughtful.

kiddo5467 · 07/06/2021 22:07

I can't believe that OP has said what she has about his interest in young girls and the reputation he has, mixed with the fact he has recently been introduced to her life just before this started.....yet here we are talking about mattress protectors!!

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