I’m probably going to get flamed but I need somewhere to talk about this!
Back story:
Very complicated situation.
I am a DV survivor and have three kids and my partner has two kids.
We have been together for 7 years.
My ex is still abusive towards me and messes my children around all the time.
He hasn’t seen my kids for 6 weeks now and I don’t know when he will see them again.
I’m dealing with the emotional fall out from his behaviour as it has deeply affected my children.
I’ve had therapy and am largely healed from the abuse but the ongoing emotional abuse of my children is really starting to affect me.
As well as this, my partner’s ex wife is VERY high conflict.
She has actively tried to turn the children against us - has tried to ruin my career and the relationship between my children and their children by bad mouthing us and stopping contact for a year, lied about me and my partner being abusive towards her and the children, told their children that I am a ‘vile, evil bully’ and that they should ‘stay away from my kids’ while they are here.
(There is plenty more but I don’t want to put anyone off reading further!)
She isn’t just unpleasant towards us - she has been banned from local shops because of her disgusting rude and entitled attitude and has alienated friends etc.
However, on the surface she can be very plausible if your dealings with her are on a superficial level and she is a very accomplished manipulator.
I really like my eldest step child - she is kind, caring and genuine and I enjoy spending time with her and so do my kids.
My youngest step child is none of these things.
She is cocky, self serving, manipulative and uses guilt to get what she wants.
On the surface she can sometimes be nice but she often exploits other children and attempts to do the same with adults.
I’ve seen her using other children to bully one of the children on our street and she sulks, cries and guilts my children and her sister into giving her their belongings.
She always tries to blame others for her bad behaviour and tries to get out of trouble by blaming one of the other children.
She never takes responsibility for what she has done.
She lies about things and if she gets told off she cries until you end up comforting her instead of dealing with the behaviour.
I’ve tried bonding with her by doing activities she enjoys, like drawing and looking at clothes but I am really struggling to like her.
This is mostly for two reasons:
- I don’t like the behaviour/personality traits she displays (meanness, manipulation, guilt tripping)
- she reminds me of her mother. She has all her mum’s mannerisms (the disdainful looks, the eye rolling etc) and her behaviour is like a carbon copy of what her mother does.
I don’t know what to do!
I’m aware of the fact I can’t really talk to my partner about it as it will upset him and I’ve REALLY tried with her.
Although I’ve touched on it a little in terms of behaviour, my partner isn’t really aware of the extent of my feelings because I cover them up and try my absolute best to treat the children the same, but it is getting more pronounced as she gets older.
None of the other kids display the same behaviours I am describing to anywhere near the level she does - of course they can be mean etc but it’s small fry by comparison.
It is also making my children feel awkward when she is here as they feel as though she is unkind and rude but doesn’t get reprimanded for it because she then gets upset, which is now causing some resentment.
I hate having such a downer on her - it’s actually making me dread them coming over - on paper we have some interests in common so it should be easy for us to get along but there is this huge barrier in the way.
I also feel guilty because I feel like it isn’t her fault - she is a product of her mother’s parenting.
I am struggling to cope as this is one part of what is a complex and emotionally draining jigsaw and I just want an easy and quiet life!
Has anyone ever dealt with this and come out the other side? What did you do?
Do you like the child now? Will things get better?
Thanks