DP odd around me when DS is there

[samson9]

This might be fine but it's getting me down a bit so thought I would see what other people think. I've been with my DP for nearly 4 years. We have one DC each. Although we don't live together, we spend plenty of time together and we both get on well with each other's children.

When we are around his DC it is like I don't exist. Now I'm not expecting attention as of course the focus should be his DC, but I just feel completely invisible. He hardly talks to me, he won't sit next to me, he won't touch me. There's no quick kiss or hug hello/goodbye. He will however do these things when it's just my DC around.

He sees his DC very regularly, and they have huge amounts of time together without me around. We all spent the day together yesterday and I noticed just how obvious it was. His DC was smothered in kisses, hugs, conversation all day long (which is great), but it was literally like I didn't exist!

He gets very defensive if I bring anything up so I'd rather not have a conversation with him if it's perfectly normal behaviour!

I’d assume he’s worried that his DC could feel upset or threatened by you? I think it’s normal to wind physical affection in a bit if you think there’s a chance a child could be upset, but this is extreme.

If I were you I would gently say he clearly isn’t comfortable with you around his child so best to minimise it for now, and then can you talk about how it could become more comfortable if you guys are going to be long term. Hopefully that will allow you to have a bit of a fresh start.

It’s not fine or normal. It’s really weird. Won’t sit next to you?

I’d stop meeting up when he has his son.

Actually I’d split up with him as I like to be able to have proper conversations my people I’m dating so wouldn’t put up with someone who was so “defensive” he refused to do so. He’s responding like this precisely so you’re too scared to raise things that are bothering you. Immature and unpleasant.

It's common but it's not healthy or "normal", and neither is the highly defensive response. It's healthy for his kids to see a normal, functional relationship. Not constant PDA, just the usual stuff.

If I were you, the first think I would be doing is I talking to him about the defensive behaviour and telling him you're not going to carry on putting up with it, because that is the most unreasonable part of this.

How long have you been in his DS's life? You've been with your partner for 4 years but have you known his son for long?

I ask becuase I'd maybe expect this in the first few months of introducing you but his DS needs to get used to the idea you are together. But what you are saying isn't excessive, just normal coupley interactions.

@BlueDucky I met his DC around a year in so I've known him a fair while now, and we get on well.

I agree with partyatthepalace then. Winding it in a bit is fine, but not even sitting next to you or talking to you is extreme and isn't going to help is DC in the long term.

If he ignores you when his child is around, stop meeting when has him over. If he notices and asks, tell him why.

OP, wouldn't it be easier to just not go around when he has his son ? If you do not live together , it seems as though it would be easy enough to make plans that do not involve the time that he is with his child.

He may just be one of those people who are most comfortable by compartmentalizing his life . If you have not discussed living together or blending your families, it might be easier to avoid their times together . If you feel some need to feel a part of a unit that involves his son, then you may need to let him know how you feel. Not every romantic relationship need necessarily involve children, but at a minimum if he is inviting you over, he should speak to you. He may not be comfortable with PDAs of any kind around his son but that does not excuse not speaking to you after he has extended an invitation to you.

He may sense that you are not bothered or uncomfortable with some form of PDAs around your child and he happily accommodates but he may just not be comfortable doing that around his child.

It seems as though , you may need to have a conversation about your mutual expectations related to the trajectory of your relationship.

I agree - it’s to stop his kids feeling jealous. He probably is doing it subconsciously hence why he is defensive.

Agree with others- can you reduce contact time whilst he has child?