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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

I'm really starting to dislike SS, what can I do?

19 replies

rosieraspbery · 05/06/2021 19:57

I have 3 stepchildren, they are 19, 18 and 12, all have the same mum (if that matters).

I have a son with my husband who is 2.

Middle SS lives with us and has since he was 10.

I've always had a really good relationship with them all, the older 2 had their moments growing up but they were just moments/phases just like any child!

But I'm really starting to struggle with the youngest, to be quite honest he just acts like a spoilt brat all the time and for some reason my husband seems to parent him totally different to all his other children. He's very strict on manners, behaviour with the older 2 when they were growing up and is the same with our 2yr old. But youngest SS just seems to be able to do and say whatever he pleases and it's really grating on me.

Just one example, today we had dinner with my mum, mum asked him to bring the plates from the table over to the sink, he just stood up and said do I look like your slave and walked off and sat in the living room. My husband said nothing so I said are you going to allow him to speak to my mum like that, he said he was joking, I said my mum asked him for help and hes walked off, that's not ok. His eldest son turned round and said I'd of never of gotten away with that at his age, so it isn't just me who notices.

I've discussed it with my husband and he says he isn't as well behaved as the other 2 as he wasn't around when he was growing up (his ex cheated when he was 6m old) so I said but that doesn't mean you now let him do and say as he pleases and allow him to be rude. He said he does tell him off; but he doesn't.

It's getting to the point now I'm just stating to dislike him, I don't want him to come at the weekend. He is rude to me and refuses to help with anything at all. I know this is a husband problem and I'm considering leaving him as this has been going on for months now and it isn't going to change when he's allowed to behave in that way. I just don't understand how he can be so different with this one child than he is with his other 3.

OP posts:

dalmatianmad · 05/06/2021 20:08

Thats would piss me off so much, does your dh know how fed up you are?

TheFunBus · 05/06/2021 20:17

It's guilt I think

My dp is a bit like this with one of his.

I don't know how you get around it as guilt is a terrible feeling to carry as a parent

aSofaNearYou · 05/06/2021 20:36

I would not be inviting him to interact with my family again.

Original poster

rosieraspbery · 05/06/2021 21:00

Yes, I told him today that I'm staring to dislike him and not want him to come. He just makes excuses for him and his behaviour.

The thing is they are part of the family. I've treated them as my own and so has my mum so just not taking him to my family seems so alien. Plus, it isn't just my family, it's how he treats me and speaks to me. Everything is a battle and an argument.

It's his whole attitude; even if he isn't being rude he's a know it all and argumentative and never ever wrong and it's really irritates me. He argues over things he has no clue about. For example the other week he told me I was cooking lasagna wrong and proceeded to tell me how to cook it, I said there's lots of different ways, this is how I do it. He kept telling me I was wrong and he won't eat it because it's disgusting how I make it. His dad just laughs and says he's funny. He'll come round and kick off because there's nothing to drink and I'll say there's orange and black current and he'll cry and say he doesn't like those and I'll say tough you liked them last week but because he cries my husband will say you can't force him to drink them if he doesn't like them and go buy him something else.

I could rant all day, I just cannot shake how I'm feeling like I could with the other 2. It was hard when they went though phases with attitudes and rudeness etc but was always able to focus on the positives and move on but I really cannot remember the last time he done something positive or nice. He's just horrible all the time.

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 05/06/2021 21:06

It's guilt. But also birth order. He's the 'baby'. But now he's not the baby and so it must be tough. How he's reacting is 100% shite but there's usually an unmet need not just 'spoiling'.

SpaceshiptoMars · 05/06/2021 21:25

You might be interested in learning about nonviolent communication. Needs a fair bit of commitment to get proficient, but if you do, it could reap dividends. Lots of videos on youtube.

parentsofteenagers.wordpress.com/2014/09/26/nonviolent-communication-for-parents-and-teens/

Guavafish · 06/06/2021 08:01

He is becoming a teenage and will be cheeky and rude at points.

Yes I agree with others- your partner feels guilt hence why he parents him differently. He doesn’t want to lose his son.

You have a husband problem!

Monkeytapper · 06/06/2021 08:27

Does he live with you or just come at the weekend? Which one?

Monkeytapper · 06/06/2021 08:28

Ah sorry, middle one lives with you

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 06/06/2021 08:37

Does your husband realise that you are close to leaving him over this? I agree that part of DSS behaviour is teenage boundary pushing (I recognise the never being in the wrong, and arguing over everything, from my own dd) but you obviously can't let him get away with being rude. Especially to your mum. I would recommend getting some outside help to work through why your husband is failing to parent this child properly. Maybe if he knows just how big a problem it is becoming, he will be more inclined to address it.

AnneLovesGilbert · 06/06/2021 08:46

You have a husband problem!

She very clearly says she knows that already.

OP, I really feel for you. No advice other than be busy when he’s there, your husband needs to do all the cooking for his son/when his youngest is there so any complaints are his problem, and go see your family and friends without him. It’ll give you a break, it’s better for them not to have to deal with him and your husband can’t say a word against it since his son was incredibly rude to your poor mum.

You won’t stop your husband pandering so leave them to it, he can deal with the tears, the tantrums, stropping and rudeness. It’s not your problem. Take a big step back. Don’t put yourself out for him, they’re both clear you can’t do a thing right so why bother trying.

How much is DH interacting with your toddler when his son is over? If he’s ignoring him while babying a 12 year old I’d seriously be considering leaving.

Dozer · 06/06/2021 08:50

You’re focusing on the son’s behaviour, suggest focusing on your partner’s.

AnneLovesGilbert · 06/06/2021 09:39

@Dozer

You’re focusing on the son’s behaviour, suggest focusing on your partner’s.

Perhaps you missed OP repeatedly mentioning her concerns about her husband’s behaviour.

Just here to stick the boot in?

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 06/06/2021 09:54

Your husband needs to know you are close to leaving and that it's over his behaviour, not SS's. With SS he probably just assumes that your grumbling and moaning is just like you did with the other two and you'll "get over it" just like you did before.

His behaviour is damaging your relationship, the relationship he has with the older kids (if they've started noticing and commenting as well) and it is damaging to his son. The outside world ,school,friends etc won't pander to the spoilt little angel like he does at home. His behaviour won't be seen as cute,or funny , or cheeky , or clever. He's setting his son up to fail, and making socialisation 10 times harder for him.

Original poster

rosieraspbery · 06/06/2021 12:24

Yes I have a husband problem I know that.. but it's making me dislike the child, when he isn't here everything's fine.. I know that's not fair and ultimately isn't the child's fault.

He is a hands on dad, I can't fault him there he does his share with and without the stepchildren here just doesn't address that one child's behaviour. If I try and talk to him he'll just tell me he's raised 2 kind well mannered children so he can't be doing much wrong but he can't see how differently he parents this child and I can't seem to find a way to point it out to him.

OP posts:

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 06/06/2021 13:42

Like others have said, he was the youngest when they split so he probable has a lot of guilt over not being there for him. Weekend contact is very little in reality.
At the end of the day he is a child and likely struggling with the fact his dad now has another child living with him full time and getting what he didn’t.
If you don’t want him around, then maybe the relationship is coming to an end. He will always be his child and should be welcome even in tough phases.

Guavafish · 06/06/2021 14:10

You would like the child better if his father stepped up properly! Like others have said… have you told your husband you want to leave him over his poor parenting?

SandyY2K · 06/06/2021 17:01

For example the other week he told me I was cooking lasagna wrong and proceeded to tell me how to cook it,

Then tell him if he thinks he's Jamie Oliver, he's welcome to cook himself. Cheeky little so and so. I couldn't be putting up with that nonsense.

He kept telling me I was wrong and he won't eat it because it's disgusting how I make it.

Response...either ignore him or tell him he can find something else to eat. I find it a very sexist attitude along with what he said to your mum and wouldn't entertain it. He thinks women are here to serve him.

If I was you, until you decide on the future of your relationship...don't engage with SS. He doesn't deserve your time.

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 06/06/2021 17:10

@rosieraspbery

Yes I have a husband problem I know that.. but it's making me dislike the child, when he isn't here everything's fine.. I know that's not fair and ultimately isn't the child's fault.

Point out to your husband every time your other children mention being treated differently. Tell/remind him of what he used to do and he's not doing now and emphasise the double standards. Remind him that the older two are great because he DID parent them differently.

Make it about how detrimental this upbringing is for his youngest, and how much more difficult life can be for him without boundaries, following social cues, having manners etc.

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