How often does the ex get mentioned?

[Slip360]

My question is 2 fold:

How often do you talk about the ex?
I feel as though we talk about her most days from seeing her around the town, her being invited to family events, pick up and drop off times, seeing her posts in the local fb groups...
His friends and family all bring her up too, I’d say 9 times out of 10 we see them, and it drives me bonkers.
All little things but feels relentless when it’s most days.

How often do you talk about the child/children when they’re not here?
Again this feels like it’s most days and almost always really innocuous conversations.

Don’t get me wrong, if these are things we need to talk about then I’m totally fine with it but it’s the frequency that’s frustrating. I feel like there’s no room for just us.

Hoping I won’t get flamed for this. I’ve spoken to friends who also have step children and they don’t have this level of ex and child chat so I’m wondering if they are the lucky exception or if I’m the unlucky one.

Also if this isn’t the norm - how would you go about changing it?

Thanks in advance

How long have you been together? This has taken me right back to a time I had largely forgotten, but I totally get how you feel, I had to have discussions with DP about this in the early days. Obviously it'll come up sometimes but it is entirely possible to end up coming across like a broken record. It's all about self awareness, really, your partner needs to recognise that you won't feel the same about these things as him so A) you won't want to be talking about it constantly and B) there are times when it will kill the moment for him to bring it up. I think if it's been years and he still didn't get that, I'd be questioning things.

Not at all now, in the beginning a lot and it caused issues

During the first year we got the boundaries sorted. I'm not interested in the tiny details of his children's lives but I like to hear how they are etc. He tells me nothing of the ex unless its a decision I need to be involved in.

It's hard to say to someone, that's not something anyone other than their parent is going to be interested in without sounding harsh!

We talk about the children plenty but not their mum.

As little as possible, in fact, hardly ever. Only if she messages DH (usually about something pointless).

Barely mention the ex but talk about the kids constantly (not in a bad way) - I think that's natural tho? Why would you not want him to talk about his kids if they're probably the single biggest thing in his life?

@kiddo5467

Barely mention the ex but talk about the kids constantly (not in a bad way) - I think that's natural tho? Why would you not want him to talk about his kids if they're probably the single biggest thing in his life?

I think until you have experience of this feeling like it goes too far, it's hard to quite understand, but it's all about context. Obviously they will be talked about and there are undoubtedly no end of occasions where that would be a natural turn of a conversation. But some parents do it at times where it isn't. As a crude example, it might be something like having a date night, saying "I love you so much", and them saying back "I love you too. And I love SC!" Or not being able to do anything fun without them constantly talking about wishing the kids were there. Things like that.

There are times when it's just unnecessary and annoying to mention the kids, and as I said before, a mood kill, and if this becomes a frequent habit it can become a problem.

It's not about not wanting them to mention the kids at all, of course not.

Ah ok, I suppose it is about context. When the OP said it was most days I was a bit surprised as I couldn't imagine having an evening with DP without my dd being mentioned in some way or another.

She also mentioned it was innocuous so I assumed just mundane day to day stuff:
To me it's just part of the chat e.g. I'll ask DP how his day and he can go on a 10 min rant about so and so in the office doing such and such and someone else getting xyz type of new car & someone I've never met going on holiday. Tbh I don't really care but I listen and engage in the conversation. I then tell him about my day which he probably doesn't care if dd had a play date with so and so, or got an award at gymnastics etc. Each person talks about what matters to them as well as having joint interests.

In fact, when my DP came back from golf I got a run down of the round in jargon I don't fully understand but I was happy hearing he had a good day.

I can't imagine having these type of day to day discussions with DP and my dd nit featuring in it. Even a simple "what did you get up today?" Would involve me mentioning her 🤷🏻‍♀️

@kiddo5467 Yes I would talk to my DP about our DD every night, though it is a bit different when you are dating a NRP in that there often isn't anything new to say about them on a day to day basis, which does change the dynamic a bit in terms of how much they are talked about.

It would be helpful to know from OP what she meant by it being most days, as I agree that could be seen as pretty rare really and it is possible OP is just extra sensitive to it due to the OTT level of exposure to the ex getting her back up. However, I do have enough experience of this to know that there are contexts in which the way a person talks about their kids can be a genuine issue. It's all about what they're saying and when, really, and what kind of conversations are being shifted to focus on that.

Your right! It depends on how the dc is mentioned and how often etc!

Should've made it clearer in my post but my DP isn't my dd's dad so it did make me wonder if I mentioned her too much to him. But then as I've said in my post below I here a lot about things in his life that I don't need to know the details of e.g. a game of golf.

I did think the part of OPs post where she said the ex is mentioned constantly a bit weird. As you say, that could be the main driver and is why she's noticing the DC being mentioned so much

I’d expect a parent to talk about their children very frequently and wouldn’t be happy in a relationship where it was begrudged.
Re the ex, fine for friends and family as they have their own relationships with people and for a partner I’d expect it to be in context.

That does seem a lot! We rarely talk about DHs ex; only really if something has happened and the same with DHs family. We talk about DSD several times a week though; like plans we have for when we next see her or talking about what we’ve recently done with her as well as if somethings happened.