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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Teenage SS

8 replies

Ladyladylady · 04/06/2021 17:50

My husband and I have been together 11 years, married for 9.My SS was 4 when his parents split and 5 when his dad and I got together, he’s now nearly 16. For all of this time he’s come over every other weekend, spent 4 weeks holiday per year and his dad has also seen him 1 midweek night per week.
SS mum has not encouraged the relationship and has not been positive about husband or his family.
During last year he spent very little time at our house, his mum didn’t want him to be here during COVID so his dad has seen him every week, most times just for a walk as things were closed.
He then decided he didn’t want to stay over here any more. We do understand that he has friends and wants to see them at weekends and that not many teenagers prefer spending time with parents and step mums. The midweek evening continued.

In the last few weeks he has been cancelling the midweek visit also, usually saying he’s not feeling well, got a lot of schoolwork. My husband popped round to see him last week (he didn’t phone first just was nearby and went to SS house) they went out for a meal and SS was very uneasy and said he was stressed about school. My husband sent a message to SS mum and said how out of sorts SS was, mum replied that SS needed to be treated with the respect he deserved and that just dropping by to see him without prior arrangement was completely unacceptable.
SS has now blocked husband from phone, husband has sent another message to SS mum saying he’s been trying to contact SS but not getting replies, SS mum not replying.
For info, over the last year aunties and granny have been messaging but getting no replies and SS has been disengaging with lots of his dads side of family.
Has anyone else experienced this? Any suggestions for us?

OP posts:
Bibidy · 04/06/2021 18:54

This is a real shame for your husband OP, but tbh at 16 I am not sure what he can really do.

I guess things aren't great between your DH and his son's mum, from what you've said? So no chance of her encouraging him to unblock/speak to his dad.

Tbh teen hormones are all over the place and maybe the boy is genuinely stressed at school. If he can't get through on the phone maybe he could just drop a card through the door for him saying he'd love to see him and will be waiting for his call/text.

Ladyladylady · 04/06/2021 19:41

Thank you Bibidy, it’s really hard for my husband x we’d thought a card saying always here for you, door always open etc. Keep your fingers crossed for us x

OP posts:
Bibidy · 04/06/2021 19:57

@Ladyladylady

Thank you Bibidy, it’s really hard for my husband x we’d thought a card saying always here for you, door always open etc. Keep your fingers crossed for us x
Will do :)

It must be so hard to be in this position, I know my DP would be desperate in this situation and he'd probably be at his son's door every day, but I genuinely think it would be counterproductive.

I think older teens do need a bit of space and I do especially feel for kids from separated families because I feel like they do get put under a lot more pressure to spend quite a lot of time with their parents. I know when I was 16 I didn't spend much time with my mum or dad at all!

Not saying your DH puts him under pressure at all, but just that the pressure of moving between mum and dad - especially when one parent has the child less and probably looks forward to seeing him so much - probably starts to take its toll when kids reach an age where they'd rather be doing other things but might not want to say so directly.

I think the card is a fab idea, sounds like they generally have a good relationship so I'm sure your SS will be chatting to you and your DH again soon :)

Ladyladylady · 04/06/2021 20:23

Thank you Bibidy, I completely agree,
I would have hated to spend a full weekend with only my parents!
SS has always felt that mum doesn’t think dad is worth anything and SS has always felt guilty about enjoying anything to do with his dad. Husband is just distraught that the 1 evening a week has just been taken away
Thanks so much for the kindness of your reply x

OP posts:
MeridianB · 04/06/2021 21:37

Could this be linked to his GCSEs?

Pinkyxx · 04/06/2021 23:16

I remember spending almost no time at home from around 15 onwards. I was literally always at a friends house for dinner, or a boyfriends, or a sleep over with friends, study night or whatever. I was stressed by GCSE, then A levels and honestly the freedom was intoxicating. I thought nothing of it at the time. Now I'm a mum to a DC who is on the cusp of teens and pushing for a bit of freedom, so it's something I've looked back recently and on realized how hurtful it must of been for my family.. I mentioned it to Mum not that long ago and she said yep it certainly was hurtful as it felt like you didn't want anything to do with us... they never said a thing at the time. It wasn't long before I gravitated back home, and I've been close as ever with my family ever since.

Teenagers are egocentric by nature, I wouldn't take it personally at all & agree with Bididy that it's counter-productive to resist his choice - it will only compel him more as he exerts his independence. If his Dad can support him with this, I'm sure he'll reach back out. On the Mum, even if she is encouraging this.. don't even go there. If she's any sort of Mum she'll encourage her son to connect with his Dad, but she may have no more influence over him than your DP does...if she's actively encouraging him to withdraw then he'll eventually see her actions for what they are. Just make sure the door is always open and never make him feel bad for making a different choice.

Ladyladylady · 05/06/2021 07:37

@Pinkyxx

I remember spending almost no time at home from around 15 onwards. I was literally always at a friends house for dinner, or a boyfriends, or a sleep over with friends, study night or whatever. I was stressed by GCSE, then A levels and honestly the freedom was intoxicating. I thought nothing of it at the time. Now I'm a mum to a DC who is on the cusp of teens and pushing for a bit of freedom, so it's something I've looked back recently and on realized how hurtful it must of been for my family.. I mentioned it to Mum not that long ago and she said yep it certainly was hurtful as it felt like you didn't want anything to do with us... they never said a thing at the time. It wasn't long before I gravitated back home, and I've been close as ever with my family ever since.

Teenagers are egocentric by nature, I wouldn't take it personally at all & agree with Bididy that it's counter-productive to resist his choice - it will only compel him more as he exerts his independence. If his Dad can support him with this, I'm sure he'll reach back out. On the Mum, even if she is encouraging this.. don't even go there. If she's any sort of Mum she'll encourage her son to connect with his Dad, but she may have no more influence over him than your DP does...if she's actively encouraging him to withdraw then he'll eventually see her actions for what they are. Just make sure the door is always open and never make him feel bad for making a different choice.

Thanks Pinkyxx, we do completely get it about being a teenager and not spending much time with parents We’ve always tried to not pressure him but he’s never actively blocked contact before, just not responded when he didn’t want to. We will just post a card saying we’re always here. We try and hold hope that he will see things for how they really are and his dad tried to keep seeing him regularly
OP posts:
Ladyladylady · 05/06/2021 07:40

@MeridianB

Could this be linked to his GCSEs?
He says it’s school in general but he’s not ever been a person to tell you what’s wrong. He goes quiet and you have to try and figure out what it is. We’ve had times where a few months after the fact he’s opened up and told us what it was, he doesn’t share things easily
OP posts:
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