advice please on this situation

[bewilderedhedgehog]

I would welcome all advice on this situation please.
I was divorced many (18 years ago). 3 children who were then aged 12, 5 and 2. Initially all was amicable and we co-parented well. My ex husband then had 2 further children, separated from his partner, and then remarried about 6 years ago. My issue is with his current wife - and my ex husband. I will try and summarise:

1. My children are adult now so they arrange to see my ex husband - nothing to do with me and I am fine with that, however
2. The court arrangement was that he would contribute to children until they left university. This has not happened - he stopped paying anything some years ago. I have managed university costs etc, and my youngest is just finishing (about to do masters). This has had a significant impact on me - I am exhausted with the strain of managing this for 3 children
3. Although we co-parented effectively until 6 years ago, since then my ex husband is not allowed to talk to me, and I understand that when the children speak to him, they are not allowed to have a discussion without his wife being present as well. (at any infrequent events she doesn't leave his side - literally. If she is not invited, megadrama....)
4. I think all of the above stems from insecurity on the part of his wife. Frankly after 18 years she has nothing to worry about so this is hard to address - particularly as we cannot discuss it!
5. In many ways none of this is critical except that I had hoped that we could enjoy weddings, graduations etc together which would be great for the children. This now feels extremely difficult.

My question is how to handle this. I am so disappointed that having had a collaborative relationship for a long time, this has now ceased. The result is also that he has very little contact with his children, both my children and his children with his ex-partner, who are younger, and who I think he hasn't seen for several years now. As a result my children have little contact with their siblings. I am not sure that much can be done, but before I draw a line I need to ask the question about whether there is any way to manage this better.

Thank you in advance

His relationship is not your concern. The past is gone. He has made his choice. My children are a lot younger than yours and I refuse to lie to them about how little their father gives a shit about them. Why would I, whilst I'm doing and providing everything for them. They will only put him on a pedestal and then it is a long way to fall.

I'm not bad mouthing him. I just explain I don't know where dad is. Or that we have to budget as we only have my money coming in etc.

I have nothing to do with the man and I do not wish to. You have done well to maintain the relationship. And to support your children through higher education. Be proud of what you have achieved and leave the past alone. The children will have the relationship they want with their father.

And if your adult children want a relationship with their younger siblings them they can lead that too. I'm from a complicated family. Step and half siblings oldest in their 50's. Youngest in their 20's. We keep in touch without any of the parents involvement.

@bewilderedhedgehog I have had a somewhat similar situation to yours albeit my exh & I still get on.
Our dc are 15, 19 & 24 now & we divorced 12 years ago. They all have a very good relationship with their dad but it has taken work.
I tried to protect them for years from certain aspects of their dad's behaviour but as they got older I came to realise (with the help of therapy) that all I could really do was teach them the tools to navigate his personality & to encourage them to keep a relationship with him but on terms that made them happy. The older two are there & the 15 year old is nearly there. In doing this I had to learn to step back & let go & realise that I just could not protect them from hurt.
The only thing I still shield them from is that their sm - the mother of their two younger siblings - was the ow & essentially their affair was the straw that broke the camels back in my marriage; that their affair broke up my dc's family. I feel this is not information that would benefit anyone!
My exh & the way he lives his life has nothing to do with me & to that end all I can do is teach my dc to 'deal' with him themselves. I remember stressing about this in therapy a lot, ie stressing about how certain behaviours were affecting my dc, & one day my very wise therapist eventually said to me "you cannot protect them from everything & everyone, all you can do is your best at your end, & for everything else, that's why people like me exist".
I understand the finances are frustrating. My exh also paid for primary degrees but not an MA. That was his prerogative but by default it then all fell to me, which was my prerogative. However, at the ages your dc are at they are now adults & will have to start forging their own way.
My advice to you would be to draw that line & draw it very big. You have done more that enough & now all you can or need to do is let your adult dc manage their relationships with their father & their half siblings as THEY see fit.

OP this situation reminds me a bit of my friend’s dad & stepmum. We are now in our 40s. The most recent drama was around demands to attend a funeral - of someone my friend’s stepmum did not even know (but her dad had been very close to when younger).

My friend is lovely - very mature about relationships and how to handle people; very tolerant about her step mother (rolls her eyes and laughs knowingly rather than gets upset). A key thing that may be different for her compared to your children is perhaps that her father evidently loves her. Despite not seeing her so much they WhatsApp a lot,he shares photos of his life, says he is proud of her etc. Does your ex do anything like this? Is there any way of asking him to?

I agree with the other posters that you have to take a step back.

There is only so much you can do. You have already done more than that.

He has to manage his relationship with his kids especially now they are all adults. And your own relationship/parenting could actually suffer with them due to trying to make his better. An example you have already given is paying his maintanence for his other kids. This money was then not available to your own children, and I don’t know how you ended up offering this anyway, given you must have been separated at the time? If his other children were born after yours.

Stop picking up his slack as far as parenting goes. And yes his relationship currently sounds abusive but again there is nothing you can do about this, and suggesting so will likely only fuel the fire so it’s something you need to stay out of.

This is why I never quite understand when people
Maintain a ‘relationship’ after they have separated, co-parent yes; but beyond this it all just becomes to enmeshed and complicated and at some point seems to explode. I know some people manage it but I think it’s rare and that usually someone ends up hurt or feeling rubbish in the end. Much better to move on with your own life, do what’s jointly needed for your joint children, but no more.

Have been at work, so just reading these comments. There is some really useful food for thought here, and it looks like a number of people have had quite similar experiences. I did work hard to make it work for our children, so I don't regret that at all, but I do think that it is time (as many of you have suggested) to step back. I have saved the thread as I will return to it and re-read - particularly when I start to doubt myself again! Thank you to everyone who has taken the trouble to post - I have valued all of the comments.

Tbh OP you round really kind but also very over-invested in your ex and the level of relationship you now have with him given that your children are now adults. They should be managing their own relationships with him now, and realistically you don't really need to have one at all.

There is no reason why you all can't attend the same events, even if you won't be attending 'together' as such.

You are clearly a very supportive and loving parent to your children and that's all you need to focus on. x

Hi I'm getting divorced after 25 years of marriage. I have 3 children which two have gone to live with their dad. The house is on the market and when sold it will go to court for splitting the equity. My question is would my husband get a bigger percentage with him having two children with him? His earnings at 3 times mine? How will the courts deal with this as there is always the possibility of the two children wanting to come back to live with me. Thanks in advance.

@Meme48

Hi I'm getting divorced after 25 years of marriage. I have 3 children which two have gone to live with their dad. The house is on the market and when sold it will go to court for splitting the equity. My question is would my husband get a bigger percentage with him having two children with him? His earnings at 3 times mine? How will the courts deal with this as there is always the possibility of the two children wanting to come back to live with me. Thanks in advance.

Hi - have you got legal advice on this? I am not sure of the answer - to some extent this would depend I suspect on the ages of the children, and also what sort of house is affordable for both of you. Make sure you get good advice, and if you are not happy with the solicitor get a second opinion. You should also be looking at a share of his pension, as well - particularly as you earn less than he does

Thanks so much for replying. I do have a solicitor but I find I'm not getting any answers to my question.

@Meme48 you may have more luck with divorce issues on wikivorce.com. It's very complex working your way through the finances for a divorce, particularly when it has been a long marriage and there is a discrepancy in earnings. Hope it all works out well for you.

@Meme48

Thanks so much for replying. I do have a solicitor but I find I'm not getting any answers to my question.

Hi - it sounds like you may wish to think about changing solicitors. Yours is a long marriage, which differentiates some of the expectations about settlement. Your financial future is likely to be significantly influenced by this, so if you are not happy with your solicitor (and I wouldn't be if I wasn't getting answers) you should consider changing. Can you put them under some pressure to respond?

@Meme48

Hi I'm getting divorced after 25 years of marriage. I have 3 children which two have gone to live with their dad. The house is on the market and when sold it will go to court for splitting the equity. My question is would my husband get a bigger percentage with him having two children with him? His earnings at 3 times mine? How will the courts deal with this as there is always the possibility of the two children wanting to come back to live with me. Thanks in advance.

Hi @Meme48 You really need to start your own thread, perhaps in the legal section and hopefully you'll get lots of good advice there. Good luck!