advice please on this situation

[bewilderedhedgehog]

I would welcome all advice on this situation please.
I was divorced many (18 years ago). 3 children who were then aged 12, 5 and 2. Initially all was amicable and we co-parented well. My ex husband then had 2 further children, separated from his partner, and then remarried about 6 years ago. My issue is with his current wife - and my ex husband. I will try and summarise:

1. My children are adult now so they arrange to see my ex husband - nothing to do with me and I am fine with that, however
2. The court arrangement was that he would contribute to children until they left university. This has not happened - he stopped paying anything some years ago. I have managed university costs etc, and my youngest is just finishing (about to do masters). This has had a significant impact on me - I am exhausted with the strain of managing this for 3 children
3. Although we co-parented effectively until 6 years ago, since then my ex husband is not allowed to talk to me, and I understand that when the children speak to him, they are not allowed to have a discussion without his wife being present as well. (at any infrequent events she doesn't leave his side - literally. If she is not invited, megadrama....)
4. I think all of the above stems from insecurity on the part of his wife. Frankly after 18 years she has nothing to worry about so this is hard to address - particularly as we cannot discuss it!
5. In many ways none of this is critical except that I had hoped that we could enjoy weddings, graduations etc together which would be great for the children. This now feels extremely difficult.

My question is how to handle this. I am so disappointed that having had a collaborative relationship for a long time, this has now ceased. The result is also that he has very little contact with his children, both my children and his children with his ex-partner, who are younger, and who I think he hasn't seen for several years now. As a result my children have little contact with their siblings. I am not sure that much can be done, but before I draw a line I need to ask the question about whether there is any way to manage this better.

Thank you in advance

Why would that be a problem for a wedding for example?
Surely his wife would be invited?

she would, however it is extremely difficult to be in a situation where people are not allowed to speak to each other and I think it is too much. The last graduation there was so much drama I had to try and access additional tickets etc. It is very wearing. My view is influenced of course by the lack of financial input....

You can’t do anything about her insecurities but you can step back and let your ex deal with things like additional tickets for graduations. Why on Earth was it your response source those? If he wants his wife to attend, let him sort it. If he won’t sort it and consequently his wife won’t let him attend without her, than frankly your children know where they stand. Don’t cover for him.

The financial thing is likely the wife. Be proud of yourself for achieving what you have achieved. I am sure your children are grateful and will be more so in the coming years when they settle and have their own families.

You have hit the nail on the head I think. I don't really want the children (adults now!) to know where they stand, because they would be hurt, so I try to make it happen. You are spot on about the money - she asked him to give up his job (she told me this). I assume (she didn't say this part) because she didn't trust him - the job required him to be away Monday - Friday.
Yes the children are grateful, and are good fun to be with.
I think I am coming to terms with the fact that I thought we had a successful divorce - and we don't. So in a way it's another sort of loss if that makes sense, and I'm trying to come to terms with it.

You’re giving her a lot of credit. He can speak to anyone he likes, if he’s choosing not talk to you anymore now the children are adults that’s on him. If he’s welched on finances, likewise.

It’s up to him to manage his relationships with and, potentially, between, his children.

Don’t borrow trouble about future events, just see how things go when they actually happen.

Did he fund at all towards first degrees?

@AnneLovesGilbert

You’re giving her a lot of credit. He can speak to anyone he likes, if he’s choosing not talk to you anymore now the children are adults that’s on him. If he’s welched on finances, likewise.

It’s up to him to manage his relationships with and, potentially, between, his children.

Don’t borrow trouble about future events, just see how things go when they actually happen.

I'm afraid he can't speak to who he likes - he is totally financially dependent now. I have wondered if it is coercive control but am not sure. He has not seen his other children for over two years (they are school age). I agree it is up to him to sort, but no sign of that happening.

You had a successful divorce from someone that you thought was a normal guy, but it turned out he was a very weak man who exactly what he's told by his new wife. I don't think you'll get any money out of him now. Its ups and the children when they see him or not but in the event of a wedding or anything like that I would just say, well I am going to be there and anyone else there has to behave themselves. And if their dad is going to be there and he split the cost. That should sort it out.

@MichelleScarn

Did he fund at all towards first degrees?

He gave a small contribution to the first and second children's first degrees, nothing at all to the third child. Nothing to the second one's masters, and there will be nothing for the third one's masters. Am not sure if he is paying maintenance to the other children (I paid it for a while as I was the only one working......)

He can speak to anyone he likes, if he’s choosing not talk to you anymore now the children are adults that’s on him. If he’s welched on finances, likewise

Oh come on, there are loads of women out there who can’t cope with the fact their partner has a past and sometimes needs to be in contact with that past. Sure, he can talk to whoever he wants except if someone in your household ignores you for 3 days because you phoned your adult child, you do get worn down with it. It’s abuse, pure and simple. Happens an awful lot.

@HollowTalk

You had a successful divorce from someone that you thought was a normal guy, but it turned out he was a very weak man who exactly what he's told by his new wife. I don't think you'll get any money out of him now. Its ups and the children when they see him or not but in the event of a wedding or anything like that I would just say, well I am going to be there and anyone else there has to behave themselves. And if their dad is going to be there and he split the cost. That should sort it out.

Yes he is a weak man, and it turns out, from a troubled family (that would be a whole new thread). They were financially OK, but emotionally I think his parents were absent. I like your approach - although I can be reasonably confident he won't be splitting the cost! But the approach is good, and allows me to draw a line. Some of this is about reflecting on where I'm at and what I want to do next. While the children were younger, it seemed very clear. Now it is somewhat fuzzy, but I want to set some boundaries going forwards I think

I can grudgingly see some form of reason re not funding a masters, but to not pay at all to 3rd child's first degree.

@Getawaywithit

He can speak to anyone he likes, if he’s choosing not talk to you anymore now the children are adults that’s on him. If he’s welched on finances, likewise

Oh come on, there are loads of women out there who can’t cope with the fact their partner has a past and sometimes needs to be in contact with that past. Sure, he can talk to whoever he wants except if someone in your household ignores you for 3 days because you phoned your adult child, you do get worn down with it. It’s abuse, pure and simple. Happens an awful lot.

Yes, that's it. I think his wife (her third marriage, his second) is fearful somehow. She has nothing to fear from me at all - I just want peace - and preferably a sharing of the financial load, but I have nearly done that bit. I had envisaged that we would remain friendly and this was the case for the first 12 years. It feels harsh that after all the years of managing the co-parenting I think reasonably well, it is all so difficult now.

@MichelleScarn

I can grudgingly see some form of reason re not funding a masters, but to not pay at all to 3rd child's first degree.

Yup, and the youngest sees it too. The masters was not covered by the court arrangement so that would have been for discussion, but the youngest is aware that this is the case.

Yabu to have continued to protect your adult dc from knowing their df is a spineless twat..
Concentrate on your relationship with them. Your exes relationship or lack of is not your responsibility..

@Aprilwasverywet

Yabu to have continued to protect your adult dc from knowing their df is a spineless twat.. Concentrate on your relationship with them. Your exes relationship or lack of is not your responsibility..

He is spineless, but I am not sorry for protecting them to an extent (it is not possible for them not to be aware). My relationship with them is very good, but surely it's sad for them to not be a priority for their father. They also are missing out on a relationship with their other siblings which I think is also a shame.

It's all very sad, but there's nothing you can do - all you can control are your own actions & how you react to things. Sort yourself & your DCs & leave him to it. They are adults so could also make arrangements to see their siblings independently of him.

I agree you have been over managing his relationship with his children. How did you even become involved financially with his younger children’s costs?

You need to step away and let your children’s and their father have a relationship that suits them. You can’t protect the forever. They already know what he’s like!!

What not start with being honest with them? I bet they don’t know half of what’s happened.

@paniniswapx3

It's all very sad, but there's nothing you can do - all you can control are your own actions & how you react to things. Sort yourself & your DCs & leave him to it. They are adults so could also make arrangements to see their siblings independently of him.

Yes, I think this is right. Your post and previous posters have confirmed that I just need to come to terms with this and recognise there is no more to be done. They are resilient I think. It just makes me sad that this is the situation. I also appreciate that some children have to deal with much more difficult behaviours of course.

@BluebellsGreenbells

I agree you have been over managing his relationship with his children. How did you even become involved financially with his younger children’s costs?

You need to step away and let your children’s and their father have a relationship that suits them. You can’t protect the forever. They already know what he’s like!!

What not start with being honest with them? I bet they don’t know half of what’s happened.

Because he couldn't pay the maintenance, and I could, so I paid it! Yes - I look back now and wonder why, but there we are!

Thank you everyone for being both honest and kind. Consensus has broken out and you have all told me what I needed to hear which is that I need to draw a line under this, which I will do. I do feel sad about it, but it has taken me 6 years to realise that I need to deal with my own feelings about it. Bottom line, my children are great (in my mind anyway!) and like several of you have said, they already know the situation. Thank you !

OP, your children are seemingly intelligent and well educated. It is unlikely that they have any misconceptions about their father and both his character and his contributions to their higher education.
If what you say about his relationship with his younger children is true, they too have probably formed fairly accurate pictures about their father and his character.

His wife may be telling what to do, but he is choosing to act in the manner that he is demonstrating.

You may be the only one who seems to have had some late day epiphany about his character or lack there of; your children do not seem to be letting him stand in the way of them moving forward.

There is nothing left for you to manage. Your children will make whatever if any effort to sustain a relationship with their father if they feel a need for a relationship with him. You do not need to be their buffer, and if they choose not to have a relationship with him, you should respect their decision.

Live your best life and forget the man. Life is too short to waste time trying to fix a situation with which everyone else seem to have come to terms.

OP I really feel for you with this. I've been in a similar situation for 8 years now and it's nearly destroyed me. In my case she was the OW and she has chipped away at my son's relationship with his father. He's only 10 and his father has chosen OW over him and has cut off all contact. I was diagnosed with breast cancer at the beginning of the pandemic and she used that and the lockdown to ban my son from visiting and he's not seen his father since. She was consumed with jealousy and insecurity and has also made my ex financially dependent on her. She has bought a house at the other end of the country for them to move to. She couldn't bear me or our son having to have contact with him. My son is absolutely destroyed and has ongoing therapy in place. I'm expecting the pathetic maintenance I receive to stop soon.

I think there comes a point when you have to accept that the father of your child/children is weak and not the man you thought he was. You've done an amazing job with your children and it is that they will remember. Don't stress about events going forward, if she wants to behave like a twat, let her. It's pitiful really. What an existence! Leave your children to manage their relationship with their father and take a massive step back. I do understand your sadness though, it's all so unnecessary isn't it?

Your children can have a relationship with their half-siblings independently of their dad.

As far as his current marriage....it's clear he's being controlled. Hopefully your youngest will get a higher loan amount as its just your income. You just need to view him as none existent, as fat as financially contributing.

The insecurity from some people is unreal. Him not being able to attend the graduation if she couldn't go is shocking. 2 tickets is the norm for these type of events, due to restrictions in total venue capacity.

Any SP, who can't get to grips with that had issues.

she asked him to give up his job (she told me this)
they are not allowed to have a discussion without his wife being present as well.

So isn't he even able to meet up with the kids for a coffee or something?

Hopefully he's allowed to take phone-calls when she's not around.

This control of hers will continue as long as he's with her. It's an abusive relationship.

I understand the desire to protect your kids, even though they're adults. It's a natural maternal thing and it's done for the kids, not for him.

I would say he's in an abusive relationship rather then calling him weak.

Do you have contact or could you contact his other dcs dm for contact with those dc for your dc? Is that something they want?