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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Steps families into blended families - is it worth it?

25 replies

Twinklestar4 · 01/06/2021 17:17

We have 2 dc each as a step family. Kids all similar ages (8-10). 2 boys, 2 girls. To me it great. To my dp however, there is nothing “joining” us. I’m not really interested in getting married or having more children. We have a house we own together and a successful business we run together. I do however love him to bits, he’s an amazing dad to all the children and I did once agree on how nice it would be to have one between us for for a few mins in the past. Then our children all came home and I changed my mind again.
So what has been everyone’s experience of having another child? Is it worth it? Starting all over again but older? How have the other children reacted? I’m 34 now if that makes a difference
I don’t think I will change my mind but I do want to make him happy, I am the happiest I have ever been when I’m around him

OP posts:

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SleepingStandingUp · 01/06/2021 17:23

You don't want a baby. That's ok. Don't have one to please him however much you love him.

TotorosCatBus · 01/06/2021 17:32

It sounds like you're happy with the way things are. Having a baby together won't mean you're more committed than if you don't so don't feel like you should if that's not what you want.

Original poster

Twinklestar4 · 01/06/2021 17:36

@SleepingStandingUp it wouldn’t be just to please him. It’s just I do see where he’s coming from with nothing joining us. Sometimes I think it would be good. The biggest reason for not wanting a baby is because I actually couldn’t think of what surname it would have. He thinks that a really bad excuse lol. Me and my two have my married name and he has the same name as his two. Again it’s something that works well the way it is. He says I think too much about it and how nice it would be to try to make a baby out of love. My marriage was awful and so was his, he didn't get to choose when he had children so missed out on the excitement of trying as he wasn’t told they were trying, I however pointed out that he must of done biology at school and had he not yet worked it out lol

OP posts:

BlueDucky · 01/06/2021 18:54

It could have your names hyphenated?

But anyway, I'd think about the impact you think a child might have on the 4 children, is it possible they might feel the one you share is somehow treated as more special? If you think they'd be ok with it and you want one then go for it. But don't just have a baby to please him.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 01/06/2021 18:58

Having another child will split you up. You don't need joining together, why can't he just be happy it works as it is.

Original poster

Twinklestar4 · 01/06/2021 19:19

@BlueDucky he said he wouldn’t want to hyphenate the names because my name is my exh name. Plus I want to change it at some point once my dc are older. I also don’t like my maiden name, it’s rhymes with a swear word that i don’t like.

Would you expect the other children to feel left out or less special? I honestly don’t know and they are too young to ask. If so, how long do you think that lasts? I don’t have anyone to ask so worried about the impact on them if we do decide to go ahead.

How about when our current children are teens, how would everyone expect them to feel about their younger half sibling? Are they ever close? Do they tend to like or dislike them?

@Shehasadiamondinthesky why do you think it would split us up? I am interested in others experiences as I don’t have anyone irl who has done this.

OP posts:

Aprilwasverywet · 01/06/2021 19:24

My exh had dc as did I. No way did I want any connection of any sort to his ex.... As in our would have shared a df...
Remarried and we have a dc but he didn't have any.

Footloosefancyfree · 01/06/2021 19:28

Could you realistically manage 5 children? Most couldn't where would all the dc stay. Dc sm is pregnant and he wasn't impressed he already had a sister who's 4 and think 12 almost 13 years is a massive gap. I try to get him to be positive but its his own feelings.

Original poster

Twinklestar4 · 01/06/2021 19:40

@Footloosefancyfree I think we could manage 5 children, we have a very large house and very successful business so finances aren’t really an issue. Plus the 4 we currently have are all at school and go to their other parents eow.

I don’t know how they would react though. I think I would hate it as a teenager but my dp said he would of loved it.

@Footloosefancyfree is your dc sister his full sister? Or half? How was he when he was 8 having a sister?

OP posts:

Original poster

Twinklestar4 · 01/06/2021 19:41

I’m also from a very large family myself (one of 6) and loved my life growing up with children everywhere, but we were all from the same parents so not sure if that is different

OP posts:

BlueDucky · 01/06/2021 19:51

I think as long as you both know honestly a baby wouldn't be treated as like the glue that joins the family together then it should be fine?

Footloosefancyfree · 01/06/2021 21:01

Half sister he's almost 13 years old now. He was fine when I had my dc but he was 8 when I had the youngest and 5 when I had dd so he has grown up with them although he terrorizes them lmao. I think teenage age especially boys is an awkward age.

OwlTwitterings · 01/06/2021 21:07

I would expect it to work better for a couple who both genuinely want the baby.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 01/06/2021 21:59

I’d worry why he feels the need to join the relationship via a child. To me, that would say that I alone wasn’t enough.

Tiredoftattler · 01/06/2021 23:26

OP, I would think that your mutual feelings for each other would be sufficient to bind you together. You both know that having a child will not keep a relationship together.

The question is what will a 5 th child provide to either of you that your 4 combined children cannot provide? If his children were not conceived in love that is unfortunate, but it matters more that they are now surrounded by love. If he cannot provide that to them, it is unlikely that it is within him to provide that to yet a 3rd child. It is not the terms of the conception that creates a loving parent. He seems a bit immature in his thinking.

SandyY2K · 02/06/2021 01:09

The 5th child will be the odd one out, as they won't get to go to their other parent like their half siblings and will be with you 2 , 100% of the time.

It doesn't matter that he didn't plan his 2 kids. He participated willingly and he loves them, so his reason of making a baby from love is a weak one.

You're 34, quite young to have kids the age you do. You can travel around without a little kid in the next 8 to 10 years time, just the 2 of you.

Sillysandy · 02/06/2021 11:07

Well OP, him wanting another child and you not is a very big deal. You need to drill right down to the heart of the matter with him.

Is it that he feels you were more committed to your ex than you are to him? If so, you need to talk that out. You can't have a child just to make him feel more secure.

You say you're not interested in marriage, why?

If he really really wants a child now that he is presumably in a better situation to really appreciate the early years then are sufficiently opposed to deny him that? I mean, do you really not want one?

Original poster

Twinklestar4 · 02/06/2021 17:59

@Sillysandy I don’t think he feels I was more committed to my exh. Just I wanted children at that time in my life, was married to someone who was happy to go along with it too.

There’s a few reason why I don’t want to get married, one because I don’t want to change my name but I also had such an bad divorce, There is no way I’m risking that again and I want to protect my children’s inheritance. I don’t see any advantage in getting married yet. I will think about it once my children are adults though.
Yes he does say that he feels like he is in a much better position to be able to enjoy being a dad. We both now work part time, have a lovely home we own outright and are not busy building our careers. I however gained my qualifications in my chosen career before having children and side stepped to be a sahm when the children were young whilst growing a business around them.
So we have achieved things in a different order but both equally successful

OP posts:

Blendiful · 02/06/2021 21:32

I am very much in the same boat. We have 2 DC each. Originally he wanted another, I didn’t. Over time he’s realised he doesn’t either. We like our child free time and I am almost certain having a baby would be the end for us, as it would completely change the dynamic of our relationship and life, and I don’t want one!

I don’t want to remarry either. I have no interest in financially or otherwise tying myself to anyone again. DP would like to get married again, but I’m not entirely sure if that’s because he thinks I’m blagging that I don’t.

He won’t get divorced any time soon anyway as the ex won’t initiate or pay for it, and I know he doesn’t ideally want to pay for the lot either. So I don’t feel I have to worry about that for some time yet. And can’t see it actually happening anyway. So I’m just plodding along, happy with how things are with no desire to change anything right now.

Tiredoftattler · 02/06/2021 21:49

OP, remind your partner that children are not props to be used to give him an enjoyable dad experience. If he is now positioned to be a better dad, he should be his best self for his existing children. A new life should not be created for the purpose of providing him with a do over.
His existing children do not get a do over of their early childhood, and it is hardly reasonable to expect them to experience the pain of watching him be a better dad to a new child than he ever was to them.

He is only thinking of himself, and that is exactly the kind of thinking that led him to have not 1 but 2 children that he was ill prepared and seemingly surprised to have.

You do not have children with the mind set of providing you with a certain type of experience; you should have children because of what you are prepared to give to them. You don't look at your first set as your rookie mistakes and your second set as your major league prize.

aSofaNearYou · 02/06/2021 21:55

Yes he does say that he feels like he is in a much better position to be able to enjoy being a dad.

Is he a NRP? I don't think it's surprising or suspect that he feels like he would like another, realistically being a NRP with less than 50:50 contact is rarely the same experience as getting to live with your child full time.

That said, you shouldn't have one if you don't want one, obviously. But I can't agree with posters suggesting it's odd that he does want to.

Original poster

Twinklestar4 · 02/06/2021 23:01

@aSofaNearYou no he’s not a nrp as we have his children 50:50 and more in school holidays

Thanks everyone for your replies. You’re all right though and it’s just won’t make any sense in having another child. It’s not something I massively want and I really enjoy the way it is now.
Let’s hope he doesn’t dwell on it too much

OP posts:

CeibaTree · 02/06/2021 23:32

I don't get this 'there is nothing joining you' - does that mean all childless couples are in meaningless relationships?

Original poster

Twinklestar4 · 03/06/2021 07:42

@CeibaTree I quite agree, in fact I think it’s the opposite for me. I’m with him because I love him and want to be in his company. I choose to be with him. Not because we’re making work for the children or to save a marriage. Just purely because I love his mind and body. To me that says more than anything

OP posts:

SpongebobNoPants · 03/06/2021 10:28

Honestly one of the absolute joys of not having kids together is that when your respective children go off to their other parents house EOW, you and your partner get time alone and can continue going on actual dates!
I adore my STBH but I’m actually glad we don’t have kids together. I get to raise mine and he his without any conflict between us.

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