Does is get easier? Tell me your success stories

[RoryPcCory]

Any stepmoms out there that can give me some hope? I imagine even the stepmoms who have no issues now must have had some teething problems with your DH, DSC or the ex at the start of the journey?

Is it really worth it in the end? Or are we all just wasting our time?

Tell me it works out sometimes....

What's your situation?

I live with my step son full time, it's challenging! But I think even if he were mine I would clash with him.

Also have my own dd and dp struggles sometimes...

Being a step parent is pretty shitty but I think my best advice is to try and chill and try not to get angry at every little thing. It's hard though... can't say if it will get better for you but as ours are now young teens I do think it's getting easier (or we've just numbed ourselves to the pain) haha

I love my stepdd and she loves me, we have a great relationship and my life is better with her in it. I've been with her dad for 22 years, since she was 3m old. She lived with us for a few years in her teens before going off to uni. It hasn't always been easy but neither is having your own dc, it's hard work but ultimately wonderful.

I get on very well with my two step son. They live with me and their father full time.

They are teens now and have been some issues but I leave all discipline and parenting to their father. I’m lucky their nightmare mother is not involved too much!

Time make everything usually better.

Just the usual issues I think. A sometimes HC ex (you never know what mood she will be in, makes life difficult sometimes, always seems to have a presence in the house), a DSC8 that requires a lot of attention and isn't able to do things for himself (although i know that is more of a DH issue), a DH who has guilt for not being around for DSC all the time.

And then my own personal thoughts and feelings of sometimes feeling suffocated, pressured to do/be more for DSC.

All in all, it is not a miserable existence and i'm hoping that a lot of my own personal feelings towards the situation will lessen as time goes on.

I guess I just hoped that it wasn't always a death sentence (like i've read on here a lot) and that things can sometimes work out for the best where everyone is content and happy (pipe dream perhaps?)

I’m a happy step parent; I’m lucky that my DSD is lovely and I’ve always enjoyed spending time with her. If there are issues with DSD when she’s at ours then me and DH discuss it and agree how to address it which is really positive.
In terms of her mum things are not always easy and I don’t really agree with how DH deals with things with but I’ve learn to detach slightly from a lot of these things. She wants to cause trouble by the things she does and I don’t let it bother me any more. This has got easier as DSD has got older I’m some ways as a lot more Is decided by her. We have our own DC and I’m quite set that they shouldn’t be negatively effected by decisions made by DSDs mum

It's not all bad .

There will always be challenges - the main one for me being the things I wouldn't put up with from my own kids or really shouldn't still be the case at their ages but it's just not in my remit to change in the way it would be if I were their parent.

That frustrates me, and one of the main things is what you've picked up on in your post - SCs not doing things for themselves when they are perfectly capable. I know when I have my own children, I'd be encouraging them to do things themselves to foster independence but there is only so much I can do with my SCs and it does impact our household when they are being catered to as if they are 2 years old (parent sitting by their bed until they fall asleep etc). Other frustrations are finances, in-laws clinging onto the ex and making her part of every conversation, ex being a bit of a clingy mum which then makes her children clingy and needy in turn, all plans for Christmas etc revolving around these children, which then impacts time with your own family. All of this is not easy to live with.

But then there are lots of positives too. I have a really lovely relationship with both my SCs and, after having known them for almost 5 years now, they have both fully accepted me as part of their unit with their dad. It's lovely when they draw pictures nowadays and include me! We can all do things together and enjoy it, and I do feel that I've learnt a lot about children from them.

But I did genuinely really struggle in the early days, even before I met them, with the concept of having someone else's children in my life. It's a big thing to adapt to and especially at first it can feel like your life is being controlled by these children and their mum, in terms of when you can do things, how much time you get to spend with your DP, how much holiday he has to take time with you...etc etc. It was a real challenge for me, but I found that as I got to know them better and my DP and I found our feet more, we managed to sort things out together and just make it work. I can see why it doesn't for many but I think if you're both - and that includes the parent! - receptive and willing to compromise then it genuinely can be OK.

Depends if you have children yourself, if so then you can create a blended family and do family things together, if not then I'm afraid you will be the one expected to make all the sacrifices and adjust your lifestyle to your SC childcare arrangements, there will be alot of restrictions in what you can and can't do compared to someone who dosent have children, when and where you can go on holidays (summer holidays to family friendly places, with family entertainment and three times the price) if you like peace and quiet and doing adult only things you will hate it trust me.
Then long term moving intogether with someone else's children is hard going, you will be expected to pick them up to/ from football/brownies/cubs/swimming etc or prepared to be guilt tripped.
I could go on and on with the negatives but you probs get the idea

Mumsnet gives a negative view of blended families.
It has always worked really well for us. I have adult children. DP has adult children also and 11 year old daughter. Been together nearly 4 years and never been happier. Stayed with him through most of last year and it was wonderful bonding as a family. Only reason I moved back was for my daughter and work.
It doesn't always have to be a nightmare. Far from it in our case. We are all really genuinely happy.

It absolutely can get easier. I love my DSS like he's my own. It wasn't easy to begin a relationship with a guy who had a kid, and the spectre of "the ex" was hard for me to deal with, along with major communication problems (mostly on my husband's part 🙄). However, once that was sorted our relationship has gone from strength to strength. I'm able to call my DSS's mum one of my closest friends and my husband gets on great with her partner. We have 4 kids between us and they all get along like family! It might sound weird to others but it works for us. I've been incredibly lucky.

I'm not gonna lie.

I really enjoy being a stepmum (on the whole because pre teens are never a walk in the park). My DSD is smart little cookie and i enjoy it when she comes around. I also enjoy our days off but I would say that also with my DD so for me it's not a step parent thing but probably more just being a parent thing.

There have been issues but I must be lucky because many of not all issues seem not to be caused by SC but by DH and we needed to realign and come together as a team (this approach works for us but I would assume it would work for all)

It seems to be like a common issues MN SP tend to struggle on the whole, it's not due to SC but DH/partners. Disney dads are abound it would appear.

Some handle the SC with distance and detachedment and some get closer, neither is wrong. Just different approaches.

@RoryPcCory

Just the usual issues I think. A sometimes HC ex (you never know what mood she will be in, makes life difficult sometimes, always seems to have a presence in the house), a DSC8 that requires a lot of attention and isn't able to do things for himself (although i know that is more of a DH issue), a DH who has guilt for not being around for DSC all the time.

And then my own personal thoughts and feelings of sometimes feeling suffocated, pressured to do/be more for DSC.

All in all, it is not a miserable existence and i'm hoping that a lot of my own personal feelings towards the situation will lessen as time goes on.

I guess I just hoped that it wasn't always a death sentence (like i've read on here a lot) and that things can sometimes work out for the best where everyone is content and happy (pipe dream perhaps?)

Also just saw this. Are you getting a break and some space ?

If your having to do the lion share of the parenting - I would return to sender and make sure you aren't picking up DH slack.

I totally get why people do this but it leads to burn out esp if you guys aren't on same page re parenting/rules/discipline.

There's absolutely no harm in making sure that you have time for you (I would say this as SP or mum)