Why do I feel like this?

[FrodoHaggis]

I feel so shit recently about this but I just have absolutely no interest in DSC.

I feel put upon a lot to do things for them, especially since becoming a Mum myself. Almost like well if you've got to do it for DC anyway why not all of them? Always being asked do you think you could do this or that, could you nip here and pick kids up, could you do this etc...

Doing anything at all to help makes me feel so resentful, I've absolutely no interest whatsoever in taking DSC to their hobby for example whilst DH takes the other to theirs.

I just want to be left alone to deal with my own DC and their needs and leave him to deal with theirs.

I don't know what it is. Any other aspect of DHs life I'm happy to help him with, I just hate the constant pressure to be some sort of third parent all the time to children that aren't mine. I don't have the same desire or want to do these things that I do with my own DC so it's just an absolute chore.

I feel so fed up with certain things they do which I know my DC will/do also do but it doesn't annoy me as much.

I'm sick of feeling like I can't just parent my own DC when and how I want. Can't tidy their room/change bedding etc... without doing DSCs too, can't buy them something nice without getting DSC too otherwise I'm 'treating differently/being unfair/being mean'.

I just feel like screaming sometimes I'm not their fucking parent!

Can't tidy their room/change bedding etc... without doing DSCs too, can't buy them something nice without getting DSC too otherwise I'm 'treating differently/being unfair/being mean'.

This is mad. Why isn’t he doing this very basic stuff for all of his children? Why are you being asked to take his kids to their hobbies?

You’re not a third parent. You have no rights at all. If you split up tomorrow you’d have no rights to even see them again.

It sounds like you were doing too much and now realise that.

Have you got a baby? How old?

You’re busier than you used to be, you’ve got less time and emotional energy to do the stuff he should always have been doing.

It sounds like you’re annoyed at him, not his kids, and you’re right to be. He sounds like he’s taking the piss.

So he’s annoyed you don’t change their linen? What can he do about it? Ignore any sulking or tantrums, that’s not how adults are meant to behave.

It is hard - it's a huge amount of labour plus the emotional toll of feeling guilty/irritated etc, particularly when you feel that you can't just parent your children because you have to consider how everything you do might affect the SC or be interpreted by their father.

It's ridiculous that you're feeling this way about changing your children's beds or tidying their room. You really don't have to do everything for the SC too. They have parents, one of whom lives in your house. Bed changing is definitely in his remit.

It is ok to draw some boundaries and make it clear that you are not a third parent (in terms of responsibility and shit work, but I'd imagine not in decision making).

OP, why not scream out that ,"I am not their fucking parent"? This will be a honest expression of your feelings, and maybe for the first time, you will be being honest with your husband about your feelings as relates to his other children. The 2 of you can then move forward from a point of honest understanding.

The outcome may or may not be what you expect, but at a minimum both parties in a relationship are entitled to honest representations.

It sounds like you're feeling resentful because you're being expected to do too much for them, tbh. Just tell him you aren't their parent and he needs to step up on doing things for them!

Why the bloody hell does he expect you to change their beds? Does he not have arms and a brain?

I'm not surprised you feel like this, there is no need for you to be doing all this for his children. He should be doing it. It's hard but I found stepping back from doing chores for the SC has really helped as there is less chance of resentment. If you do all the parenting chores but don't get a say in manners etc or the love they given their own parents then it's going to lead to resentment.

Like others have said it sounds like your doing too much.
I felt a bit like this when DS was born. I used to do alot more for DSS ie. School runs and hobbies ect. Now I leave all that up to dad. It took me getting to breaking point to realise that it's not that I dont love DSS and care about him it was just that there was too much pressure.
When i have free time to spend on DSS I spend it playing board games and focus on family days out. It's meant my relationship with DSS has greatly improved and I dont resent doing mummy chores while dad got to be the fun one.
Also what are are the DSC, my DSS is 9 and he now strips and makes his own bed. He also does laundry and dishwasher. I think it's really important for kids to learn to help around the house so find some age appropiate chores for the kids to do. It will help take some of the load off you.

Yep, agree with the others. Pull back. It's not your job. I don't do all that stuff for my DSC, they have a dad. If he was unable, of course I would step in but he is able.

Time for an honest conversation with him.

Tell him you're finding it a bit much and would feel better if he took the lead with doing stuff for them and you do it on a voluntary basis...only when you offer.

It's really not correct to say you're doing it for 1, so do the other, like it's no extra work...I mean if you're doing laundry...more clothes isn't a big deal...if you're making one meal and have to make more..not so big a deal.

However making another bed, taking one child child to an activity, or doing a separate task is more work.

I suspect the problem is you happily did these things before you're own DC and you've set the tone for your role in the relationship. Had you always let him that it was his responsibility to do the care and parenting for his kids, he wouldn't have these expectations of you.

You could off course tell him that with the little one, you need to pull back and he needs to step up, because it's to much for you.

This happens with so many SMs...often done to 'sell' themselves and come across as desirable as a SM and get the kids to like them.

Also make sure he is helping with your little one when he isn't working, it's too easy to fall into the trap of he looks after the SC's chores and you do DCs. (It's different if you are SAHM or on mat leave but if you are both working full time then I think you should be trying to get DCs chores split about 50/50 so he will infact be doing way more than you)

You aren't their parent however it sounds as if you're expected to act as such. When offered the ''cup'' next time, politely decline - it's your right. Invite your DP to parent his own children.

I say that as a ''bio mum'' - I certainly wouldn't expect you to pick up after my child, why the hell should you? I wouldn't think you ''mean'' or ''unfair'' either. It's all this pressure on SM's & step kids for that matter that is unfair. There's nothing wrong wanting to parent your own child, or with being tired / over stretched (welcome to motherhood :-)) It's a very difficult path to try and 'treat everyone the same'... everyone isn't the same so seems to invite issues. I'm a big believer or embracing differences and calling a spade a spade :-)

Classic case of the man expecting the new woman to do all of the wife work yet again. I don't change my step kids beds. They're old enough to do it theirselves but if they weren't I wouldn't do it either. Fact is it gets left to be absolutely minging because their dad doesn't think to do it either. I don't care - I don't sleep in their beds!

I also buy my daughter stuff without feeling the need to buy stuff for my stepkids.

Sounds like your husband needs to step up and parent his own kids.

@Tiredoftattler
OP, why not scream out that ,"I am not their fucking parent"? This will be a honest expression of your feelings, and maybe for the first time, you will be being honest with your husband about your feelings as relates to his other children

This is the first time I’ve really agreed with anything you’ve written on this board but bravo Tired... this is perfect 😂👏🏻

[quote SpongebobNoPants]@Tiredoftattler
OP, why not scream out that ,"I am not their fucking parent"? This will be a honest expression of your feelings, and maybe for the first time, you will be being honest with your husband about your feelings as relates to his other children

This is the first time I’ve really agreed with anything you’ve written on this board but bravo Tired... this is perfect 😂👏🏻[/quote]
I thought exactly the same thing.

Sadly some parents seem to find 'they're not my (fucking) children' hard to process. You'd think it'd be astoundingly obvious. Alas, no. 🙄

@SandyY2K
I think that often times the new woman is so eager to prove herself superior to the ex , that she takes on chores, tasks, and jobs that the new partner is not requesting but happily follows her lead because it makes his life easier. He accepts her as the happy nanny, chauffeur, cook, and house cleaner that she held herself out to be. He relies upon and believes her representations and happily turned over those responsibilities to her.

The problem starts when the woman gets the man and tires of the chores. She no longer remembers that she voluntarily undertook this role and she now thinks of herself as the victim of his inadequate parenting. She thinks that she is being used. Most times she has received the prize for which she was vying and has found it to be less than what she expected. There is real meaning to the saying " Be careful what you pray for. "

It becomes difficult to then say "I really dislike these children or these tasks that I worked so hard to suggest to you that I liked doing and for which I was so better equipped to do than your ex .

Better to start with honesty rather than trying to impress with dishonesty. He will love the persona that you presented as opposed to the woman that you really are.

Interesting viewpoint @Tiredoftattler, and I think you're right in a lot of cases. I also agree that it's best to be honest from the start. Don't pretend to be another mum to his kids to get the man.

I have to say this is the complete opposite approach to what I took when I met my husband though. I didn't feel the need to prove myself to be better than his ex. But maybe I'm old and wise enough not to put up with any shit.

@Tiredoftattler

*@SandyY2K
I think that often times the new woman is so eager to prove herself superior to the ex , that she takes on chores, tasks, and jobs that the new partner is not requesting but happily follows her lead because it makes his life easier. He accepts her as the happy nanny, chauffeur, cook, and house cleaner that she held herself out to be. He relies upon and believes her representations and happily turned over those responsibilities to her.

Absolutely...I know there's a tendency to show your best side in the beginning of a relationship, but the thing with this, is doing all these things for his kids is probably a large part of the reason he's with you in the first place.

Who wouldn't like their job made easier if you let them getaway with it.

It seems to be not just about showing you're a good GF, but you're also trying to show you'll be a great hands on SM.

OP, why not scream out that ,"I am not their fucking parent"? This will be a honest expression of your feelings, and maybe for the first time, you will be being honest with your husband about your feelings as relates to his other children. The 2 of you can then move forward from a point of honest understanding

👆🏽 x 100

Couldn’t agree more. I also agree re the early days behaviour women find themselves doing. I did it with the ex, not realising I was in fact setting the tone for my exp’s expectations.

I will never make the same mistake again. I date someone with children? Their child, their logistics, their contact time - absolutely nothing to do with me. I may over time meet them, but will do nothing more than if I was meeting a friends children. Be kind, be nice, perhaps treat them, and when they leave, they continue to go back to being my friends children. My primary relationship will always be with the man, not the children. If in time that changes, fine, but I will not seek to build a hands on relationship with that persons children. My priority will remain my children, my time with them and that’s it.

OP, I think you need to press reset. I cannot believe you’re making these kids beds/ cleaning after them. Fuck that.