Am I being wrong?

[TheStepone]

Where do I start?

I am aware that this is mumsnet, and as a male hope I can get involve on here.

I've got a dilemma and wanting to know if I am wrong for thinking and asking?

I have been with my wife for about 12 years, she had 3 kids from a previous relationship, one I believed never came to an end.

The 3 kids are grown up kids all in their late 20's, almost 30's, but for some reason, my wife and her ex always seem to find a way to keep in contact and say its because of the kids.

One of the kids need help and its not that we cant help them, i just think that they are old enough to be doing and sorting out things on their own, and it shouldn't always be down to us to be Mr fix it, so because of my stance on that. So in discussing and being told by my wife that she is thinking of contacting their dad, her ex to help I said she shouldnt and if they need help it should be the kids contacting thier dad and the fact that they are old enough to do so and does not require her to be the one to contact him.

Only for later on during the day to be informed by my wife that she had contacted her ex. My wife is of the mindset that if she does not contact her ex the kids won't but that seem to happen time and time again, it is starting to feel like she is doing it for herself to keep some kind of communication with her ex being that they both have moved on and marry.

There is also more that has happen in the past which keeps me very sceptical about it being just about the kids.

Am I wrong for thinking there is more to it and she shouldn't need to be the go between for her ex and grown up kids.

Do you think she would be the same way if I was texting my ex while she's in bed fast asleep and saying we just chatting?

Are they perhaps just still friends and the children are something they bond over?

Well in some ways their relationship hasn’t ever ended.
It must have changed but children bind you together for life.
Does he count him as a friend? As co-parents I would hope that she does.
You seem very threatened by this.
It’s allowed for her to be close friends with her ex. It does not have to reflect on your relationship. You sound like you don’t trust her.

The trust is definitely eroding. Guess things has happen to create friction in the trust department. But at what age, does a parent has to be the go between for their kids.

It like me being in my early 50's and my mum having to talk to my dad on my behalf on everything that i need or want.

I need a new car, mum can you call my dad and see if he will borrow me the money. Mum I have no electricity, ok let me call your dad for you to see if he will send you some money for lecky. Where do you let you kids take control of their lives and stop being kids and take responsibilities as grown up, or does that never happen.

How they choose to parent their kids is a separate issue from whether you trust your wife or not.

Sometimes regardless of age, kids find it easier to talk to one parent and it's often the mum. One of the parents could be more approachable.

My DC are legal adults, although young and in University, but they would always come to me first with a problem, unless it's a tech issue and they know to go straight to dad.

It sounds like you don't think they should ever need to communicate, as their kids are adults. They'll always be their kids no matter how old they are.

There is also more that has happen in the past which keeps me very sceptical about it being just about the kids.

Well if you have previously experienced her being deceitful about their contact, then maybe something else is going on.

Do you think she would be the same way if I was texting my ex while she's in bed fast asleep and saying we just chatting?

Was she chatting late at night to him? Have you seen the texts?
It depends on the nature of your relationship with your Ex.

It's hard to say if something more is going on. It's not impossible. I read a thread where 2 ex partners had been having an affair for 8 years. Neither of the current spouses is aware.

It sounds like they come to your wife to help, she talks to you and you say that you don’t think you should help so she’s left to either try and sort it herself or contact her ex to help which I actually understand. What happens if you agree to help? Would she still go to the ex or is it sorted?
Are requests to help always about money or other support? I wouldn’t keep on helping with money; I’d instead say I could help with budgeting so that it doesn’t keep happening.

Op I’m curious. After 12 years why do you now have a problem? This has been their dynamic for that long - it works for them, clearly.

Now I’m not saying you’re wrong, but why now?

You don't stop being a parent because your kids are grown. There needs change but your interest and concern for and about them does not change.

My parents still have regular conversations about me and my siblings.
They each call us several times a week. They talk together about us not necessarily because they live together but because they are our parents, and they know that the 2 of them are more concerned about us than anyone else on this planet is concerned about us.

What bad thing do you think happens when your wife discusses her children with her ex? Do you think somehow that this leads to infidelity? How are you or your marriage in any way impacted because she asks her ex to help his son purchase a car?

If you had to end the sentence " if my wife speaks to her ex ????? will happen. How would you fill in the blank.

If you are capable of talking to a woman other than your wife and remaining faithful, why is it such a stretch to believe your wife to be capable of doing the same?
Sometimes, the things that we fear most from others are the things that we know ourselves capable of doing.

From the little that you have said, it sounds as though you resent the fact that your wife is willing to extend herself for her adult children, but it does not seem that she is asking you to extend yourself for them. Instead, she is reaching out to the person most likely to share her sentiments about them. How or why is that wrong?

Your children don’t stop being your children no matter how old they are.

Parents are still parents no matter how their kids are. That relationship is for life.

She turned to you first and you turned your back on her. Her children’s father is the next logical place to turn.

@TheStepone - do you have children too?

I don't think it's whether you are right or wrong, it sounds like you feel isolated and dismissed over this. Being a childless stepparent can be like that - the action seems to be centred around the wife, the ex and their children and grandchildren. The rock who has held the show on the road during the turbulent teens can feel a bit left out. Unless you have solid reasons to think they are getting back together again, you could do with a cracking good hobby! Go on, spoil yourself a little

But she came to you first and you said no, she then felt she had to get support from her ex.

You don't stop being a parent..I'd like to think if my oldest has a problem me and his dad would help him and find a resolution for him.