Birthday gift for stepkids

[Littledoodles90]

Name changed for this one.

Something really bizarre happened this morning and I hope some of you can help.

I took a present to my friends house for her childs birthday today, they are having a little get together in the park after school but I can't make it so I dropped the present round before work and school. She has 2 children and I have known them all their lives.
My friend has been with her current boyfriend for about 18 months, he has 3 children who I have never met. Before lock down I don't think my friend had actually met his children either and for the past year our social life has consisted of zoom parties when everyone's children have either been in bed or in some cases away at the other parents so none of our circle have met this man's children.
Anyway we sat in the garden and had coffee and cake (it's a birthday after all) and the little one opened her present and was delighted. Then another child appeared and started throwing a tantrum because his birthday is tomorrow and I (a total stranger to this child) haven't given him a present. This child is my friends boyfriends youngest, I would say about 8/9ish in age. My friend was mortified and her boyfriend made some nasty remark about another adult being selfish and treating the step kids like they don't exist (clearly something deeper going on there but I'll pick that up later with my friend).
Now whilst today I wasn't armed with any information about my friends step kids birthdays, next year I will be...
So my question is...
What's the protocol for present buying for the children of your friends if they have step children?
I don't want to stop buying these children who I adore presents for their birthdays and christmas but at the same time I don't want to have to add 3 more kids onto the birthdays list.
My dp doesn't expect my friends to buy his kid anything and vice versa. I felt so embarrassed and if I'm honest, really pissed off at the boyfriend this morning and not sure what I should I do, if indeed I should do anything.

The boyfriend is a dick. I think that's the long and the short of it.

I think there’s probably something deeper going on and the boyfriend probably feels protective over his kids.
You don’t need to buy for them, but it’s probably best to refrain from giving the others their presents when the step kids are about when it’s occasions like Christmas

The protocol is you buy for them if you know them and feel you should get them a present.
My close friends buy for my DSD, but that's because we are a blended family and although I don't treat my DSD as my own (she has her own mum), we are a family unit, do everything together as a family and she is included in plans with my friends when my DS is. Therefore my friends know her and treat her like they treat my DS.
On the other hand, my family will buy presents for my DSD but not to the same extent that that buy for my DS, otherwise DSD is spoiled from all her own family plus everybody else! (I put this in for perspective)
You don't know this child, you didn't even know when they're birthday is. As for next year, you see how things have progressed by then and take it from there

@Memlane

I think there’s probably something deeper going on and the boyfriend probably feels protective over his kids. You don’t need to buy for them, but it’s probably best to refrain from giving the others their presents when the step kids are about when it’s occasions like Christmas

The occasion was a birthday party for the OP's friend's daughter. When would it be more appropriate to give that child (and that child alone) a present?

The step child seems spoilt and jealous to me if they are kicking off about another child getting a present on their own birthday.
I also think the boyfriend is well out of order in relation to the remarks he made. It would have been better if he had been mortified and told his child that they would get presents from their own friends and family. It all looks very Disney dad/poor parenting to me.
Who expects presents 1from people they don’t know and 2 on other people’s birthdays ?
I would be concerned about the future for your friend as her child’s birthday will forever be second place to his child’s.

You did nothing wrong.

@FishyFriday

The boyfriend is a dick. I think that's the long and the short of it.

I've had my suspicions about this guy for a while but it's hard to judge someone online. The tantrum thrown today was epic, it's giving me reservations about inviting him and his kids to things or attending events where they are invited. The norm in our circle is if one of the kids is cheeky/misbehaving/doing something dangerous etc etc even if it's not your house they get told, doesn't matter by who or for what and the kids better listen because the parents will agree with the other adults... I can't see it going down very well if someone tells his kids off for something at a bbq or whatever.

No protocol, as above you buy for them if you know and have a relationship with them as with all other children. That performance certainly hasn't brought your relationship any closer to that point.

I would consider gently asking your friend if everything is alright and she is happy being a step parent, because she has unfortunately found the sort of dad that should definitely not be in a relationship. Sadly this is very common, if you read a bit on this board you will find lots of accounts of people that behave like him. He sounds awful, and she's quite likely to be feeling quite alone and like she can't talk openly about it. I feel really sorry for her.

@aSofaNearYou

No protocol, as above you buy for them if you know and have a relationship with them as with all other children. That performance certainly hasn't brought your relationship any closer to that point.

I would consider gently asking your friend if everything is alright and she is happy being a step parent, because she has unfortunately found the sort of dad that should definitely not be in a relationship. Sadly this is very common, if you read a bit on this board you will find lots of accounts of people that behave like him. He sounds awful, and she's quite likely to be feeling quite alone and like she can't talk openly about it. I feel really sorry for her.

It's all I've been thinking of all morning. She's mentioned before that the kids are 'difficult' but it's always been centred on the fact there's so many people in the house when they are all there. She's so nice she wouldn't dream of bad mouthing a child even if they are demons in miniature and I think he might have guessed she's easy to guilt trip.

Your poor friend. Our circle is like yours and a man like that just wouldn’t fit in.
I wouldn’t be guilted or strong armed into buying this child a gift though.

A man who is hard faced enough to make a comment like that, aimed at you - a complete stranger to his tantrumming child, zero obligation to buy them anything - must be a nightmare to be in a relationship with. All you can do is be there for advice and support for your friend, especially if she is easily manipulated.

You did nothing wrong. The bf sounds awful. You sound like you’re very close to your friend, I hope you can raise this with her along the lines of “gosh your bf was embarrassing today acting like that” rather than apologising for yourself when that’s not necessary, or letting your friend apologise for him.

On another note why was his 8 yo not at school?

It's all I've been thinking of all morning. She's mentioned before that the kids are 'difficult' but it's always been centred on the fact there's so many people in the house when they are all there. She's so nice she wouldn't dream of bad mouthing a child even if they are demons in miniature and I think he might have guessed she's easy to guilt trip.

I can absolutely see the sort of situation she might be in and how she could have found herself there. I would just make it clear she can vent and be open to you, and maybe encourage her to do some reading into common step family dynamics if it seems appropriate, because his behaviour is full of common red flags. It's great that she has friends like you who won't feed this kind of behaviour!

Oh I wouldn't worry too much, a child you don't know is upset and his dad who you also don't know is a dick. I'm sure your friend doesn't expect you to buy the step child a present or she'd have spoken to you in advance, she knows you didn't know. Sounds like they've had a row about something and the bf is using this as an excuse to get at your friend. Either way if you don't have a relationship with a child you should not be buying them gifts. I'd be suspicious and wouldn't like it if a stranger turned up with presents for my children.

@Szyz2020

You did nothing wrong. The bf sounds awful. You sound like you’re very close to your friend, I hope you can raise this with her along the lines of “gosh your bf was embarrassing today acting like that” rather than apologising for yourself when that’s not necessary, or letting your friend apologise for him.

On another note why was his 8 yo not at school?

I wish I was as tactful as you, I may have to work on my wording before I bring it up with her... although she might think I'm having a stroke if I'm too diplomatic I went early this morning to catch them before school as I won't be around for the party in the park later.

I started this post thinking I might have made a massive social faux pas now I'm worried my friend is having a crappy time of it. It's not just my fellow mumsnetters that have made me think this, I just spoke to another friend who said she didn't get great vibes from him or the 2 of them together when his kids are around but oddly, the two of them without his kids were completely different and seemed quite happy and relaxed together. I can barely remember what the two of them together were like in person but we're all off out for dinner next weekend so we shall see.

@aSofaNearYou

It's all I've been thinking of all morning. She's mentioned before that the kids are 'difficult' but it's always been centred on the fact there's so many people in the house when they are all there. She's so nice she wouldn't dream of bad mouthing a child even if they are demons in miniature and I think he might have guessed she's easy to guilt trip.

I can absolutely see the sort of situation she might be in and how she could have found herself there. I would just make it clear she can vent and be open to you, and maybe encourage her to do some reading into common step family dynamics if it seems appropriate, because his behaviour is full of common red flags. It's great that she has friends like you who won't feed this kind of behaviour!

You could buy her a copy of stepmonster. It's an interesting read.

FishyFriday I've just started reading that. It's very insightful, I wish I'd read it earlier

OP - her boyfriend was being silly, ignore him. There's obviously bigger issues there.

If I were you in that situation I’d have had trouble not laughing as it sounds so ridiculous that’s I’d just assume it was a weird joke. The boyfriend sounds like bad news, and tbh in any situation, no child should EXPECT a present, so even if this kid was actually ‘justified’ in having a present from you, ie you knew him, it’s incredibly bad manners to have a tantrum/start whining and crying over it. And for the dad to react how he did is disgusting.

Please know that you did nothing wrong here.

You do not need to buy presents for his kids. You have nothing to be embarrassed about. Your friend should have told the pair of them to cop on.

You’ve not done anything wrong at all.
You don’t know the child, so don’t buy them a present.
And even if now that things are easing and you can see your friend more, and the child happens to be there sometimes, don’t let anyone make you think that means you suddenly know him and he’s now entitled to a present from you.

Dad sounds like an arsehole.

The 8 year old was being unreasonable (as kids are) but dad fed into that instead of explaining things to the child. Clearly child gets entitlement from dad.

One of my friends has SKs who are there 50:50. I don’t even know when their birthdays are but I do tend to get her kids gaming type gifts (so craft, board games etc) for Christmas so they can play together.

I hope your friend gets herself out of this relationship ASAP!

The friend's bloke is a total dick.

The boyfriend is a dick. I think that's the long and the short of it.

I agree. He's very entitled.
Why would he think you would buy anything for a child you don't know.

I feel sorry for your friend being with an idiot like him.