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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Would this be an issue for you?

45 replies

laa88 · 12/05/2021 12:20

I posted this in relationships but didn't get much response so thought other people may have had the same problems in this area. I hope that's ok!

I'm interested to see whether it would be an issue for you if the man you were with has his children on the opposite weekends that you had yours? We've not been together that long so haven't met each other's DC yet. I hadn't really thought about it until now, but would this be a reason for you to reconsider progressing things?

I can't change my weekends as my ex works, and my partner has said he won't ask his ex to swap as he doesn't want to rock the boat (he didn't use those words, but that was the general gist!). As far as I'm aware there is no reason his ex couldn't swap.

Is this just going to be too difficult with all the kids involved?

OP posts:

ThatIsMyPotato · 12/05/2021 20:19

Does the weekend ever swap? Eg. If one parent looks after the children for part of the holidays and the other the other half? Or is it always every other weekend without fail?

I agree neither of you can ask your partners to swap weekends so you can coordinate but is it worth asking your partner if at some point you can switch weekends? Eg. Say you have an event to go to or something?

ThatIsMyPotato · 12/05/2021 20:21

I know you said "I can't change my weekends as my ex works" but is it possible they might be able to switch if you enough notice?

KylieKoKo · 12/05/2021 20:25

I think that never having any childfree time together would make it hard for a new relationship to develop. It's a massive strain on established relationships where the parents are together.

However I don't think it's fair to expect his ex to move stuff around to accommodate your ex's work schedule. Maybe that weekend is her childfree time with her new boyfriend.

Original poster

laa88 · 12/05/2021 20:30

@ThatIsMyPotato The schedule never changes. There is an event coming up in a couple of months on his weekend so I put the feelers out to see whether he would swap that particular weekend but he said he wouldn't ask his ex. I'll go on my own, I'm not going to push it!

@KylieKoKo His ex doesn't have a partner, or work at the weekends etc so technically there is no reason why she couldn't swap. But, no this isn't her issue so if she doesn't want to then that's fair enough!

OP posts:

ThatIsMyPotato · 12/05/2021 20:37

How old are the children? Is it likely to change so that there is flexibility over Christmas etc as they get older? I don't see why he or you can't ask, and just say you've got a wedding to attend etc. (Don't mention the partner) Or grandparents can visit one weekend and not the other. It doesn't seem like rocking the boat that much unless they've only recently split.

ThatIsMyPotato · 12/05/2021 20:37

Of course if either ex says no then that's fair enough but it seems a bit odd not to ask

EnoughnowIthink · 12/05/2021 22:22

I don't see why he or you can't ask, and just say you've got a wedding to attend etc. (Don't mention the partner) Or grandparents can visit one weekend and not the other

So lie to get what she wants? There’s no potential for that to backfire? How would you feel if your ex lied to you to get his own way and you later found out? Used? It would certainly ruin any trust (something hard won post separation and divorce for many)

ThatIsMyPotato · 12/05/2021 22:25

@EnoughnowIthink

I don't see why he or you can't ask, and just say you've got a wedding to attend etc. (Don't mention the partner) Or grandparents can visit one weekend and not the other

I didn't mean lie, I meant at the next time something comes up on the alternate weekend eg. a wedding or if the grandparents can visit but can only do the weekend that isn't usually theirs. Or if Christmas/Easter Holidays fall differently. I say don't mention the partner as swapping becuase you have a partner won't go down well.

Magda72 · 12/05/2021 23:58

The schedule never changes. There is an event coming up in a couple of months on his weekend so I put the feelers out to see whether he would swap that particular weekend but he said he wouldn't ask his ex. I'll go on m
@laa88 could he not just take them that weekend anyway & ask a family member to babysit? Not ideal but it's a one off thing. My exh & I have often had to do this if either one of us could swap weekends & the dc survived just fine.
If long term you can't coordinate weekends & one or both of you are not prepared to get babysitters from time to time for events I can see that you'll have a lot of difficulty getting your relationship off the ground.

unicornsarereal72 · 13/05/2021 07:21

It has taken me the past part of 2 years to get the eow routine. Ex would swap missed days. Have us sat waiting not knowing if he was coming or not etc etc.

I stop being flexible. It took a while and a lot of resistance from ex to me being 'petty' about arrangement for him to stop moving things around etc

I don't work weekends either but I like to plan my time. Both with the kids and without them. Ex has 13 days and evenings a week to do as he pleases. So I am not flexible over the 2 nights a month I have.

ThatIsMyPotato · 13/05/2021 08:02

unicornsarereal72 fair enough. I think it's odd OP's boyfriend won't even ask though. Even if the answer is likely to be no.

Original poster

laa88 · 13/05/2021 08:12

@ThatIsMyPotato I think it's odd he won't ask too! I knew it'd be a no from my ex due to work, but I still asked!

OP posts:

EnoughnowIthink · 13/05/2021 16:58

His ex doesn't have a partner, or work at the weekends etc so technically there is no reason why she couldn't swap

You have no idea whether she has a partner, works at the weekend, or has any of a million reasons why she couldn't swap.

Persephonegoddess · 13/05/2021 17:02

I would run away, of course you can't build a blended family if the kids never spend time together, the fact he won't even try to ask us a massive red flag on his relationship with his dc other parent, I would tread very carefully

Original poster

laa88 · 13/05/2021 18:04

@EnoughnowIthink One of my best friends is a very good friends of hers also.

OP posts:

Original poster

laa88 · 13/05/2021 18:08

@EnoughnowIthink And I have already said I'm not expecting her to swap!

OP posts:

TeeBee · 14/05/2021 14:34

I think it really depends on what you want. At the moment my partner and I are on split this weekends like this with our kids (just the way its fallen). My kids are older so they only pop round to their dad's for maybe a day max eow, they just want to be home (at mine) and be able to see their mates easily. My partner works a lot of weekends anyway so its no skin off my nose when he has his son as he is usually with his grandmother if my OH is working. This suits me down to the ground as I have time to myself. We have plenty of evenings to see each other and have trips out together. However, all four parents are flexible in our scenario, which makes a difference.

TeeBee · 14/05/2021 14:35

@Persephonegoddess

'Blended families' are not always necessary. Everyone can be perfectly happy living their own lives and the adults having relationships that don't impact too heavily on their family unit. It all depends on what you want out of the relationship (and, to some extent, how old the children are).

Yesitsbess · 14/05/2021 23:35

We have our kids different weekends and it works really well, we had them on the same weekend for a long time but neither one was getting what they needed from us and it was causing issues.

They're both much happier now as are we, they're different in ages so it was hard to plan activities that they would both enjoy, we time holidays the same way, part one, part the other and part both if them at the same time so essentially they have the same relationship as cousins.

It may be a problem but it may really work out well over the long term especially if you and your partner have different parenting styles or interests.

Starseeking · 15/05/2021 09:28

The thing that would concern me in this situation is that he hasn't shown any willingness to at least float the idea with his ex. It indicates a level of rigidness in him, and that he cannot compromise or suggest alternatives. At least you asked your ex knowing he would say no. Is your DP like this in other ways OP? If so, that will tell you what lies ahead.

At the same time, you've only been together for 6 months, and if you are in the UK, this will have been under some sort of lockdown. If you've had your DC on opposite weekends, you've maybe not spent enough time alone to build a solid relationship, so he may not feel he wants to ask his ex because the relationship is so new. Only you will able tell what the issue is regarding his reluctance to even ask his ex.

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