Would this be an issue for you?

[laa88]

I posted this in relationships but didn't get much response so thought other people may have had the same problems in this area. I hope that's ok!

I'm interested to see whether it would be an issue for you if the man you were with has his children on the opposite weekends that you had yours? We've not been together that long so haven't met each other's DC yet. I hadn't really thought about it until now, but would this be a reason for you to reconsider progressing things?

I can't change my weekends as my ex works, and my partner has said he won't ask his ex to swap as he doesn't want to rock the boat (he didn't use those words, but that was the general gist!). As far as I'm aware there is no reason his ex couldn't swap.

Is this just going to be too difficult with all the kids involved?

Hmm, well if you value your child free time then it could be a problem, yes. I know I wouldn't like it. But do neither of your arrangements ever change? We have my DSS EOW weekend and it naturally changes every few months or so, when either DP or his ex has something specific planned on a weekend and asks to switch, DSS has a sleepover so moves the weekend back etc. Personally I think having a degree of flexibility is very useful in coparenting situations, though I'm guessing his ex is high conflict?

Even if you both plan ahead with your exs, like my DP does, don't the weekends naturally end up changing every year for things like Mothering Sunday, Fathers Day and birthdays?

If so, it means at some point the weekends with both sets of children will coincide.

Personally if he's indicated his ex is high conflict (with or without good reason) then I would avoid going out with him because as soon as she knows you are on the scene she will kick off.

Could you give a bit more information? How long are you with him? Are you hoping to live together at some point? Is your general concern a lack of childfree time or dealing with a difficult ex?

Other posters have mentioned above about changing weekends over time - ours don't change, they roll on, year in year out. That way everyone knows where they stand when it comes to booking events and holidays for the future. We all try not to change things and arrange stuff for our own contact time. With regard to Mothers Day, Fathers Day etc it's just generally agreed that those days are spent with the relevant parent regardless of who's weekend it is, no need to switch the whole weekend.

Our weekends coincide, we did orchestrate that. I won't lie, it would have been a BIG issue for me if we were on opposite schedules.

I guess there are pros and cons really.

I would like my time with my children without the stepchildren there most definitely. That said, if they were all there on the same weekends I would still insist on time with my own children anyway.

If they are there on separate weekends then it really does mean you get no child free weekends. Unless grandparents could maybe help with that?

It can be an advantage - not forcing the respective children into sibling relationships.

You don’t get child-free weekends, but then, neither do parents who are still together or have sole custody.

I agree there are pros and cons.

It may well be much better for the children to have different contact weekends even if there is no weekend child free time for the adults.

I think the thing I'd be thinking most carefully about here I'd not the arrangements but the fact that neither of you is able or willing to change them. You have to organise yours around your ex's work; he isn't willing to rock the boat with his ex.

The latter may he a sign of bigger things that would make a relationship difficult. Or it might be that he's not willing to make changes to his contact unless it's a really serious relationship because he's prioritising stability for his kids.

@OP, you cannot ask your ex to change weekends ; he for whatever chooses not to ask his ex to change weekends. Even with your constraints you have managed to establish a relationship.

In a relationship that is not yet of a long duration , why would you try to make changes in a schedule that has worked for him thus far?

Children's schedule should have a bit of consistency and making changes to accommodate what might or might not become a serious relationship might not yet be indicated.

If things in this early stage are working well without involving your children, is there a particularly pressing need to make this happen,?

Do you both envision this to be a potentially serious and long term relationship? If you are not planning on living together or getting married, then the fact that your children have not met may be of little to no important at this stage.

How old are the children, roughly?

Also, picking up on what other people have said about the children having different contact weekends - ours are all here together but we don't spend all weekend together. We each have our own activities and sports to deal with etc we rarely mix over the weekend bar a few hours in the evening maybe.

If he’s afraid to even ask his ex as he doesn’t want to ‘rock the boat’ I’d tread very carefully...misery ahead.

@Malena77 That's exactly what I was thinking!

Most parents don't get child free weekends.

@Lulu1919

Most parents don't get child free weekends.

Well most seperated parents do, and their experience day to day is fundamentally different due to not having another parent there to help. I can only imagine my need for child free time would be much greater in those circumstances.

As far as I'm aware there is no reason his ex couldn't swap

Be careful with this. His ex may well have built a life around her schedule that your DP knows nothing about. I work every other weekend - very lucrative it is too. My children don’t know so neither does my ex and I would say no to any change and I wouldn’t feel the need to give a reason. The contact has been following an established pattern for years, it really wouldn’t go down well to expect a change because it suits a new relationship.

I would hate that! Need my weekends just me and bf. The other weekend we don’t blend often so each gets one to one time with our own kids.

Yes it would bother me. We like our child free time, both our time free from eachothers and our own children!

Our arrangements are a bit random as my ex works shifts with no set pattern so my kids are all over the place with contact. His have a general set routine to a point. But he will make an effort if mine happen to be with their dad for the weekend to swap with his ex so his aren’t here either.

Child free time is important and I wouldn’t want to be seeing my kids off to welcome someone else’s! It happens sometimes with me and DP but I wouldn’t want that as a permanent arrangement. Plus how do you all do things togetehr at any point?

I think it's fine for now becomes you indicate that this is a very new dating type scenario so can't you just enjoy it for what it is for now?

I do understand the desire to be planning for the future but what's the rush? What exactly did he say when you asked him?

Only on MN could this be construed as the EX being unreasonable.

Absolutely not her problem - your attitude is not great OP, Ok for you not to ask your DP but the EX is unreasonable on the other side if she was not happy to facilitate a change.

There's no rush but we've been together just over 6 months so it's something I've been starting to think about. We had a brief conversation and he made it clear that at no point will he be seeing if his ex will swap (then came the rock the boat comment), and although it's unfortunate we have opposite weekends it's just something that we'll have to live with.

@bogoffmda I never said it was his ex's problem? My question was would the fact that my ex can't swap, and his ex won't swap, would be enough to call it a day?

Well only you can answer the question I suppose. It's what you're willing to put up with.

@EnoughnowIthink

As far as I'm aware there is no reason his ex couldn't swap

Be careful with this. His ex may well have built a life around her schedule that your DP knows nothing about. I work every other weekend - very lucrative it is too. My children don’t know so neither does my ex and I would say no to any change and I wouldn’t feel the need to give a reason. The contact has been following an established pattern for years, it really wouldn’t go down well to expect a change because it suits a new relationship.

On the other hand, as in my DP and his ex's case, neither of them do anything in particular on weekends and so things can be very easily shifted around. That's why, in an amicable situation, it's worth asking the question rather than struggle along for years in a situation that could easily be fixed. They can say no, of course, but no harm in asking, it's just communication. Unless, of course, you don't have an amicable relationship, in which case OP may want to think about letting this one go anyway.

My point, @aSofaNearYouwas to not make assumptions about the ex’s situation. Sure it doesn’t hurt to ask but it’s worth remembering a no isn’t necessarily just about being difficult.

@EnoughnowIthink

My point, *@aSofaNearYouwas* to not make assumptions about the ex’s situation. Sure it doesn’t hurt to ask but it’s worth remembering a no isn’t necessarily just about being difficult.

I agree, but OP doesn't show any signs that she would ask him to push it if the ex said no. Not everything has to be hostile.