Struggling

[kids123456]

Hello,

Can anyone give me some guidance please. So I have been with my partner a year now, we live in separate houses, he's currently in a 2 bed flat since his second wife left and I have my house from when my ex left. He is buying a house this year and it'll be 4 bedrooms so his two children will have a room each and my kids will have W room to stay in too so they don't have to use his children's beds when we stay duen the week or make up makeshift beds on the floor with mattresses if his kids are there. They stay every Sunday and Monday.

To begin with I got in really well with them they are 7 and 9, never really a issue but now I am just noticing more. So for example they have their own sofa seperate from him so they can wiggle and do what they want yet if my kids go over they can use it if his kids aren't there but he doesn't really like it as it's 'the girls' sofa. So he's bought them bean bags and then when in the bigger house will look for perhaps another sofa, then it's chargers I can't use a phone charger W wise it's the girls charger even though it's when they aren't there. Everything has to be left in set places so toothbrushes over the taps, towels on a certain hook, their sofa however they left it. We are looking to move in together and I just find this mad. Aibu? They only eat 4 set meals donr like anything else I keep saying he really needs to get them to try new things and it helps their mum out but he doesn't so we always have the same things and it's getting boring. The eldest constantly kicks off if she doesn't get her own way or if I am holding his hand abs then makes sly digs, latest was this weekend my eldest child was kicking off so I was disciplining him and her response was 'if your nicer to your kids they would be better behaved' I was so angry. And he's been complaining as my 3 year is is struggling to eat with his mouth closed so now the daughter comments and refuses to eat her food abs it's like my son is trying. I love them to bits abs I know it's not their fault but how do I get my Partnee to see he needs to be firmer. Not give in and by takeaway as she got upset we took W picnic as we went to play golf. Doesn't help I do speak with his first wife (their mum a lot) as we do get on well abs she also finds it makes things difficult for her. He makes comments how he pays mummy all this money and she gets hers given ro her by the government and him and some work. All because he knows what I am entitled to abs he believes it's wrong we get what we get UC. Or it's just other digs his comes out with that they say to their mum. He thinks it doesn't cost much extra to have them 5 nights a week then the 2 he does so doesn't understand why we get given all this money as he puts it. I tried to show him how far it goes but he won't listen.

Don't really know what I want to get from this other than a rant ha just frustrating he comments that I drop my son to his dad yet the girls mum drop them off to him every Sunday. I am apparently not potty training my son quick enough but it's like your kids have major flaws too. Throwing tantrums as they don't get their own way, barely eat anything, stros abs doesn't go sleep when she's there so he can't talk on the phone to me. I do understand why their last step mum did find it hard. I suppose I feel so pushed to one side as he never really messages when they are there or if I do stay we can't even have sex and adult time irs just annoying

We won't be fully moving in for a while but it will be thinhs change or I go :) nice to know it's not just me that doesn't feel it's normal xx

I don't believe your own kids are being treated 2nd class, they are actually being treated lower than that and you are allowing it.

The adults come 1st with their own sofa, followed by his daughters with their sofa and your DC can only sit on bean bags!!

In the new home where will this 3rd sofa for your DC be positioned? Unless it is a huge living space, it definitely won't be in prime location for the TV etc.

I would not subject my DC to that behaviour and long term it could have a serious impact on their emotional health.

You have choices
Your children have none
Do not do this to them

You have listed a few horrible behaviours and still think this is the man you want as an influence in your children lives.

My ex has hardly given me a penny in 4 years to support our children. I have given every last penny I have to provide for them. Warm home. Food. Clothes etc. And I will keep doing it because they are my priority. Any parent complaining about paying support is not someone I would give the time of day too. Let alone want round my children.

My mother remarried into a blended family. I spent most of my time in my room as I was always scapegoat conflict was high from the step parent in my life and my sister and I left home at 18 and never went back. The adults in your children's life should be building them up. Not telling them they can't sit in a certain chair. Like a second class citizen.

Think long and hard about this relationship. What are you teaching your children.

It’s not normal in any house to have separate sofas for adults, children and then other children. Some houses have a “dog sofa” I suppose....

@UhtredRagnarson

he has always had people leave he ended up adopted as his parents left, the exes have left and he has said he is just trying to protect himself. I understand financially it's probably a kick in the teeth that he works full time, pays maintenance and stil expected to fund a house etc on a single wage and he still has the kids whilst for example his ex works barely any hours and gets given so much from government abs then is Costantly asking him for more money everytime

Oh stop! Would you ever listen to yourself. You’re selling yourself his lines.

Yet he's happy to saddle himself with a bigger mortgage so he can provide a bedroom for the girlfriends kids. Kids I'm hoping he hasn't even known for a year

Hmm to moving in together. It’s up to you.. but I would expect trouble which you won’t fix.

Personal is keep the flat so you can have some family time alone.

He sounds really critical of your little one - i’d be really worried about that getting worse not better. at 3 they are still learning, complaining about how he eats is shitty (yes gentle encouragement is good, but he and his daughter sounds like she’s starting to bully him)he potty trains when he’s able to.

He’s not good for you or your kids.

It can be hard to hear 'run' when you clearly like him and have invested time. I would say a year is quite soon to move in together. It may seem the most natural thing in the world for adults who love each other, but there are so many factors when kids are involved. The kids will probably still be affected by their parents splitting up (both yours and his) and even if they like you, they will be lashing out as to them it will be the first step in truly knowing their parents really aren't getting back together. It sounds like it's got worse since the move has been raised so there is clearly a link. There's also two different styles of parenting, two ways of raising kids which you're trying to blend together, and inevitably there will be clashes. My DP and I have discussions about this quite a lot - he lived with his EW for 20 years, so me putting things in the dishwasher in different places, or putting napkins on the table for dinner throws him purely cos he's not used to it, not because he doesn't like it. I think I'd probably find it hard if someone came into my house where I'd done things for years in a set way and started changing it, but we both realise it just takes time to get used to new things (now the DSC have started putting napkins on the table too so that's thrown him even more!) I would say let him move, but don't move in straight away, keep your place so you, and your children, have a 'personal place' to relax and go back to.

OP has it not occurred to you the sofa thing is completely weird?

It is not completely strange for the oldest person in the house (who is normally an OAP) to have an armchair that they prefer to sit in because of back and joint issues, but everyone else should sit where there is space.

As long as the children in the family didn't sit in my dad's favourite chair he wouldn't kick his step-son or step-daughter out of any seats because any of his other biological children wanted to sit down. In fact he would be more likely to tell some of us off if we didn't move for them as they were older than some of us so were working before us.

This issue is more than just sofas and chairs - posters are telling you clearly to not join households and to stop mixing your children with his because he is not a good male role model for them and will damage your children as they grow up.

@kids123456 you’ve only been together for a year. It’s much too soon to be thinking about moving in together or blending families. What’s the rush?

Personally, I. could never have dated someone who made my kids sit on beanbags instead of the sofa. He sounds really mean to you and your DC.

Yet he's happy to saddle himself with a bigger mortgage so he can provide a bedroom for the girlfriends kids. Kids I'm hoping he hasn't even known for a year the smallest room even though they are there the most. Let's just put them in a cupboard out the way..

Yeah shove their bean bags in with them, they’ll be fine.

I feel genuinely sad for your children that you would even entertain this idea and that they have to spend any time with this man.

I'll get flamed for this, but you can see exactly what you are walking into. You are actively making a decision to make life worse for your children if things carry on with this man.

I’m step-parent to two children (11 & 13) and the ONLY reason it works is because my DH listens to every concern and either explains his reasoning when he thinks I’m wrong, or adjusts his parenting when he understand I’m making a valid point. He has been so patient and kind with me learning how to be a wicked stepmother!

Also - I remember well thinking the little girl was trying to “compete” with me (I KNOW - sounds ridiculous typing that now) in the earlier days of the relationship. She would ask her dad Qs like “who do you love more” and say things I thought were mean. But I truly, TRULY don’t believe that’s what she was doing. She was just a child being a child and saying silly things. Now I have a brilliant relationship with both kids - obviously there are challenges because...y’know....kids - but because I’ve recognised they aren’t being malicious I don’t take it that way. Though I’m sure it’s harder when you have two even smaller children to wrangle (I don’t have my own children).

I don’t think his kids are the problem, I think HE sounds like a jerk who needs to understand the impact of what he’s saying/doing. X

@kids123456

He is good with my kids but puts his main attention on his children when they are there. Sorry for the confusion.

Thanks guys you have all helped, I think a discussion is definilty needed

Except that’s not true is it?

You’re not allowed to use a charger, your kids can’t sit on a sofa

WHEN HIS KIDS ARE NOT THERE

Please don’t bother with a discussion, just make the decision to never allow you or your kids to be so poorly treated by anyone

@lunar1

I feel genuinely sad for your children that you would even entertain this idea and that they have to spend any time with this man.

I'll get flamed for this, but you can see exactly what you are walking into. You are actively making a decision to make life worse for your children if things carry on with this man.

Yep.

Tbh I really don’t understand anyone who witnesses someone being unpleasant about their DC and doesn’t immediately think “woah, I’ll be taking my leave thanks” regardless of whether it is a friend, uncle, or boyfriend. Didn’t your heckles get up when he did that OP? Didn’t your protective instinct kick in?

@lunar1

I feel genuinely sad for your children that you would even entertain this idea and that they have to spend any time with this man.

I'll get flamed for this, but you can see exactly what you are walking into. You are actively making a decision to make life worse for your children if things carry on with this man.

Yep.

Tbh I really don’t understand anyone who witnesses someone being unpleasant about their DC and doesn’t immediately think “woah, I’ll be taking my leave thanks” regardless of whether it is a friend, uncle, or boyfriend. Didn’t your heckles get up when he did that OP? Didn’t your protective instinct kick in?

Yep. What @lunar1 said

Tbh I really don’t understand anyone who witnesses someone being unpleasant about their DC and doesn’t immediately think “woah, I’ll be taking my leave thanks” regardless of whether it is a friend, uncle, or boyfriend. Didn’t your heckles get up when he did that OP? Didn’t your protective instinct kick in?

@lunar1

I feel genuinely sad for your children that you would even entertain this idea and that they have to spend any time with this man.

I'll get flamed for this, but you can see exactly what you are walking into. You are actively making a decision to make life worse for your children if things carry on with this man.

Yep.

Tbh I really don’t understand anyone who witnesses someone being unpleasant about their DC and doesn’t immediately think “woah, I’ll be taking my leave thanks” regardless of whether it is a friend, uncle, or boyfriend. Didn’t your heckles get up when he did that OP? Didn’t your protective instinct kick in?

@lunar1

I feel genuinely sad for your children that you would even entertain this idea and that they have to spend any time with this man.

I'll get flamed for this, but you can see exactly what you are walking into. You are actively making a decision to make life worse for your children if things carry on with this man.

Yep.

Tbh I really don’t understand anyone who witnesses someone being unpleasant about their DC and doesn’t immediately think “woah, I’ll be taking my leave thanks” regardless of whether it is a friend, uncle, or boyfriend. Didn’t your heckles get up when he did that OP? Didn’t your protective instinct kick in?

Just to play devils advocate for a moment - and I’m not in any way excusing how you & your kids are being treated here, but...

Are the potty training and sofa thing related?

My first thought was “why on earth would his DC object to your son sitting on ‘their’ sofa and why would he go out of his way to buy somewhere specific for your DS to sit?” And it made me wonder if your son has maybe had one too many accidents on that sofa which has made his DC ask if he can not be allowed to sit on it anymore? Or does he pick his nose and wipe it on there, eat food on the sofa and spill it etc?

One of the biggest bones of contention when I discussed moving in with DP was my DC (and me) worrying about how messy and dirty it would be living with kids who didn’t clean up after themselves, threw rubbish on the floor and regularly wiped dirty hands on sofas/other people’s clothes etc.

In that situation I may well have tried to come up with a solution that meant I could keep some things nice and clean for those who looked after them, especially as DP would become defensive if I ever tried to bring it up.

Ignore me if that’s way off the mark, but behind seemingly weird behaviour there is usually a reason.

Just to play devils advocate for a moment - and I’m not in any way excusing how you & your kids are being treated here, but...

Are the potty training and sofa thing related?

My first thought was “why on earth would his DC object to your son sitting on ‘their’ sofa and why would he go out of his way to buy somewhere specific for your DS to sit?” And it made me wonder if your son has maybe had one too many accidents on that sofa which has made his DC ask if he can not be allowed to sit on it anymore? Or does he pick his nose and wipe it on there, eat food on the sofa and spill it etc?

One of the biggest bones of contention when I discussed moving in with DP was my DC (and me) worrying about how messy and dirty it would be living with kids who didn’t clean up after themselves, threw rubbish on the floor and regularly wiped dirty hands on sofas/other people’s clothes etc.

In that situation I may well have tried to come up with a solution that meant I could keep some things nice and clean for those who looked after them, especially as DP would become defensive if I ever tried to bring it up.

Ignore me if that’s way off the mark, but behind seemingly weird behaviour there is usually a reason.

Just to play devils advocate for a moment - and I’m not in any way excusing how you & your kids are being treated here, but...

Are the potty training and sofa thing related?

My first thought was “why on earth would his DC object to your son sitting on ‘their’ sofa and why would he go out of his way to buy somewhere specific for your DS to sit?” And it made me wonder if your son has maybe had one too many accidents on that sofa which has made his DC ask if he can not be allowed to sit on it anymore? Or does he pick his nose and wipe it on there, eat food on the sofa and spill it etc?

One of the biggest bones of contention when I discussed moving in with DP was my DC (and me) worrying about how messy and dirty it would be living with kids who didn’t clean up after themselves, threw rubbish on the floor and regularly wiped dirty hands on sofas/other people’s clothes etc.

In that situation I may well have tried to come up with a solution that meant I could keep some things nice and clean for those who looked after them, especially as DP would become defensive if I ever tried to bring it up.

Ignore me if that’s way off the mark, but behind seemingly weird behaviour there is usually a reason.

@ThatIsMyPotato

Yet he's happy to saddle himself with a bigger mortgage so he can provide a bedroom for the girlfriends kids. Kids I'm hoping he hasn't even known for a year the smallest room even though they are there the most. Let's just put them in a cupboard out the way..

I've not been clear. My point was he's bitching to OP about his ex and money matters. So why buy a house, after less than a year, to accommodate OP's kid if it's such a hardship providing for his own?

He should wait a reasonable amount of time and then him and OP buy together, a house which accommodates everyone adequately.

Sounds like the 4th bed is a sweetener for OP.

I'd swerve this whole situation rapidly!