What do you think of these comments from the ex?

malificent7 · 2021-05-11T17:45:03+00:00

I might be overthinking things as generally the ex is fine.We get on ok but she loves to tell me anecdotes about her marriage with ex. Now i don't feel threatened as she has a baby with the man she moved on to but i sometimes wonder if she likes reminding me of their past as a territorial thing. She cheated on him with the man she is with now but still got upset when he met me 5 years ago. Even though she was living with new lover at the time. Or do I need to get over it?

aSofaNearYou · 11/05/2021 18:51

Well I can't imagine doing this without it being intentionally unpleasant, but people can have very varied opinions on this subject. Why does your gut tell you she's doing it?

Sillysandy · 11/05/2021 18:57

That sounds very strange. What sort of anecdotes?

Sillysandy · 11/05/2021 18:58

I might be tempted to laugh and say "gosh you've a great memory. How long ago was that?"

LindaEllen · 11/05/2021 19:01

My DP's ex does this as well. It used to really annoy me when we first got together as we'd be talking and I'd say something about DP and she would say things like 'Ahhh you don't know him yet! You'll learn!"

I could handle it at the start because yeah fair enough she would have known him better, but she STILL says it, even though our relationship is longer than theirs was! DP has told her to her face that I know him better than anyone (I didn't ask him to say that) but it hasn't stopped her.

Tarragonvinegar · 11/05/2021 19:57

I think this is typical of so many ex wives in that they no longer want their ex but the minute a new woman comes on the scene they get fiercely territorial as they don't want anyone else to have him so they find ways of staking their claim.

KylieKoKo · 11/05/2021 20:56

I think she's trying to put you in your place. I think the best response is to ignore it and pity her. It's a bit sad that she's trying to cling onto this tiny bit of power when your partner has clearly moved on.

ThatIsMyPotato · 11/05/2021 22:04

How often does this happen? Do you regularly meet up with her? I think you just need to nod and not really pay attention to her, just zone out. She's doing it to try and get to you I expect. So don't let it.

lunar1 · 11/05/2021 22:35

Do the comments seem spiteful? Or meant to make you feel bad? It's hard to tell without knowing what she's saying, it could just be your only common ground and she's filling the silence or not sure what to talk about.

whatevenami · 11/05/2021 22:52

I would tell her some anecdotes back, recent ones. I expect she’s doing it to try and get you to b*tch about him so she can then tell him what you said to make him unhappy - he is her aim, not you x

DifficultBloodyWoman · 11/05/2021 23:57

DH’s Ex did similar when I last met her.

Next time I meet her, I intend to thank her for teaching DH how to be such a good husband as he learned so much from their relationship.

To be fair, we probably won’t meet again until one of the children get married and I expect (hope?) that they will be the focus of the day so I might not have the chance to say it. But I can dream!

Tiredoftattler · 12/05/2021 00:27

OP, why assume that she has nefarious intentions? She may think that as a topic that he is the only thing that you have in common. You can also just tell her that it makes you a wee bit uncomfortable to talk about him with her if that is the case.

My ex's wife and I have become friends because of some shared interests and hobbies. Occasionally, she will say to me "why didn't you ever get him to stop wearing socks in bed , or did it always take 20 minutes for him to decide on a breakfast cereal? I always answer that" God knows I tried to remedy some of those things, but clearly I was not very successful. " We both laugh about the image of a nude male wearing only socks to bed.

Sometimes, the oddest things can help you find common ground. She can say those things to me because she knows that I have no romantic interest in her husband, and yet we can laugh about it. I doubt that she would say that to her other friends, but she knows that I can get what she is saying. He is a good husband to her and s great father to my children , but like all of us he has his particular idiosyncrasies.

I am sure that he and my husband joke about some of my annoying habits or practices. That is what people who are comfortable in each other's company will do.

She may feel a level of comfort with you that you do not feel with her.

DifficultBloodyWoman · 12/05/2021 07:00

@Tiredoftattler

OP, why assume that she has nefarious intentions? She may think that as a topic that he is the only thing that you have in common. You can also just tell her that it makes you a wee bit uncomfortable to talk about him with her if that is the case.

My ex's wife and I have become friends because of some shared interests and hobbies. Occasionally, she will say to me "why didn't you ever get him to stop wearing socks in bed , or did it always take 20 minutes for him to decide on a breakfast cereal? I always answer that" God knows I tried to remedy some of those things, but clearly I was not very successful. " We both laugh about the image of a nude male wearing only socks to bed.

Sometimes, the oddest things can help you find common ground. She can say those things to me because she knows that I have no romantic interest in her husband, and yet we can laugh about it. I doubt that she would say that to her other friends, but she knows that I can get what she is saying. He is a good husband to her and s great father to my children , but like all of us he has his particular idiosyncrasies.

I am sure that he and my husband joke about some of my annoying habits or practices. That is what people who are comfortable in each other's company will do.

She may feel a level of comfort with you that you do not feel with her.

Those are all very good points, Tiredoftattler. Not applicable in my case because she is actually a living nightmare, but I do think we (in general) should not rush to assume ill intent when miscommunication is much more likely.

As the OP has acknowledged she might be overthinking, your post is definitely worth some more thought!

user648482729 · 12/05/2021 07:06

My DHs ex does this (or at least used to as I don’t see her much now); considering by the time I met her they’d been split 5 years I found it a bit weird as it’d be like oh remember when and even when she told us she was engaged she commented that it’s not the first time (we’d recently got engaged so think it was a dig at us too). I found it odd but I couldn’t care less to be honest; I let it go over my head as I suspected it was supposed to cause trouble so didn’t give it the head space she wanted it to.

Original poster

malificent7 · 12/05/2021 11:32

On dsd bday weekend she mentioned 2 anecdotes ....it's not thay I mind but I do find it amusing. I sense she is a bit territorial ...but she tells these anecdotes in front of her dp....could be worse i think.
When dp got with me she started reminicing about the old times apparently ...even with her new bloke firmly moved in.

OP posts:

RedMarauder · 12/05/2021 11:57

I pity her new bloke.