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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

Are you a stepmum to bereaved children?

19 replies

whatevenami · 10/05/2021 18:31

I am a 34 y/o female, in a relationship with an amazing man. He has 3 children - one primary age and two teens who live with him. Their mum - who he was married to until she died - passed away from an illness, and the children and my partner have all coped tremendously given the situation.

This is a not a thread to moan about anything really - the kids are brilliant, have accepted me, we laugh together, have fun. It's amazing to see them smiling again.

I accept and respect their mother, we talk about her a lot (although I didn't know her and met my partner after she died), there are pictures of her all over the house. It doesn't affect me, I don't get jealous, I want them to remember her. I often ask my partner "What would do?" if I'm struggling with the kids.

But I feel so alone. I feel no one understands my position, none of my friends are stepmothers, online support groups and books are all about 'how to cope with the ex'. I don't really know where I fit in the family. There is an overwhelming pressure not to rock the boat. I feel like I can't complain or get angry, or have different opinions on telling the kids off, as I don't want to burden the family with more stress and upset.

I have searched for months to find someone in my position, just to chat to when things are hard, or to share ideas with, but there's no one (apart from Kate Ferdinand!). Is there anyone on here?

OP posts:
whatevenami · 10/05/2021 18:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lollypop701 · 10/05/2021 18:45

I didn’t want to read and run, and hopefully my comment will bump this for yo. I can’t offer solution but you sound like you’re doing a great job, and hopefully someone can help with a little support!

Original poster
whatevenami · 10/05/2021 18:50

Thanks Lolly. They're aren't many of us in this position, which is a good thing I suppose. TC

OP posts:
DelphiniumBlue · 10/05/2021 18:52

Sounds like you are doing a great job.
A friend of mine was in similar circumstances to you. I know she got the children extra support via Grief Encounter, and I think there were family sessions too.
It is hard and you will need a lot of patience, but now she sees the children as her children, not step-children. They adore her, and she has the satisfaction of knowing that her love and support has been absolutely invaluable to them, and the love is returned.

NatalieLollipop · 11/05/2021 16:57

Hi! My DSD's mum died when she was 2 and her dad and I got together when she was 6, married when she was 8. I also have a son who is the same age as her and we have become to all intents and purposes a nuclear family, the kids are now 18. I agree that being a SM to kid(s) who have been bereaved is different, some things are easier IMO and some more tricky. Never having any time when they are at the other parent, and not wanting to be less than perfect for them. I'm here if you want to message me 😊. It sounds like you are doing a great job, but I get that it can be a lonely one.

aSofaNearYou · 11/05/2021 18:08

The second half of your post sounds very, very different to the first half. Feeling overwhelming pressure not to rock the boat, feeling like you don't have a place, feeling like you aren't allowed your voice, none of these are healthy things that point towards this being a good situation for you. Where is the pressure coming from? If it's your partner I would contest the idea that he is as amazing as you say.

I'm not in the same position as you so can't answer from that perspective, but just wanted to say that you shouldn't feel alone and miserable due to this relationship. You're a person too, you don't have to choose that for yourself.

Jarstastic · 11/05/2021 20:57

Yes I am in this position. Except we all live together. I’m happy for you to message me.

Original poster
whatevenami · 11/05/2021 22:46

@aSofaNearYou

The second half of your post sounds very, very different to the first half. Feeling overwhelming pressure not to rock the boat, feeling like you don't have a place, feeling like you aren't allowed your voice, none of these are healthy things that point towards this being a good situation for you. Where is the pressure coming from? If it's your partner I would contest the idea that he is as amazing as you say.

I'm not in the same position as you so can't answer from that perspective, but just wanted to say that you shouldn't feel alone and miserable due to this relationship. You're a person too, you don't have to choose that for yourself.

So sorry if I wasn’t clear. He and the kids are both brilliant (99% of the time), the pressure is more from myself - I don’t want to let them down, add any more upset or get anything wrong, they have all been through so much. Plus there is the “you won’t leave us too will you?” Questions from the youngest (6). I’m not even considering it but that’s hard to hear a child ask that. It’s a very lonely situation as there aren’t many SM in this position at all.
OP posts:
Original poster
whatevenami · 11/05/2021 22:49

@NatalieLollipop

Hi! My DSD's mum died when she was 2 and her dad and I got together when she was 6, married when she was 8. I also have a son who is the same age as her and we have become to all intents and purposes a nuclear family, the kids are now 18. I agree that being a SM to kid(s) who have been bereaved is different, some things are easier IMO and some more tricky. Never having any time when they are at the other parent, and not wanting to be less than perfect for them. I'm here if you want to message me 😊. It sounds like you are doing a great job, but I get that it can be a lonely one.
Thank you, and yes I completely agree somethings are easier - from what I’ve read in this forum, they’re are some quite horrid EW around! I’m very lucky, I just don’t want to let anyone down.
OP posts:
peachgreen · 11/05/2021 22:51

I'm sorry I can't help you OP but as the parent of a bereaved child I just wanted to say thank you. I pray that one day I find someone to share my life with who loves me and DD as much as you clearly love your DP and DSC.

Original poster
whatevenami · 15/05/2021 11:12

Thank you so much your post means a lot x

OP posts:
Pebbledashery · 15/05/2021 20:49

You seem really lovely and hope you find the support you deserve and want. Can't be easy to raise another mothers children and you probably feel like you don't want to replace her or step on anyone's toes. You're a step mother and you've taken these kids on like you're own whilst respecting the memories of their mother. I have huge admiration for you x

keepingmindful · 15/05/2021 20:56

You sound amazing. I’ve been seriously poorly in the past and my greatest fear is leaving behind my DH and 4 lovely children. All I would wish for is someone like you to be there for them if I couldn’t x

Original poster
whatevenami · 16/05/2021 21:56

Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to reply. At the start of the week I felt so upset and useless, and now these comments have really helped me get through a really tough week and see things from different perspectives. I can only try my best, but I can see now I won’t be my best if I’m stressed or pressurising myself. I am so lucky to have a supportive DP and I am also v glad I found mumsnet x

OP posts:
Bellringer · 19/05/2021 18:36

Winstons wish do good work. You are doing ok op, you can't fix them or their grief, take it easy. Speak to other relatives of bereaved families, you may have things in common with them. Sounds like you are doing well, it's not easy and it won't be perfect. Good enough is ok, get time for yourself too, and as always for you and your partner as a couple

spagbog5 · 21/09/2021 18:27

@whatevenami

I know this is an old thread but I’m in your situation and 20 years down the line .
Feel free to message if still applicable

PeeAche · 22/09/2021 10:05

My father and brother died when I was incredibly young. It was a car accident and I survived but they did not. I think it was in the national news at the time. Later, my mother met a new man who adopted me when I was 6 and whom I call my dad. I am closest to him out of both of my parents.

I believe that the enormous love my father showed me all of my life made me a better person. I have a view that love is boundless, if you let it be, and it definitely made me a better step mother. My dad showed me that blood ties aren’t everything. He “chose” me and I honestly felt like he was a gift.

My dad wasn’t “on” all of the time. He had bad days and we had arguments like any humans do. But he did it all with confidence and so I respected him a lot. You don’t need to let this experience consume you. Acknowledge that you have thoughts and experiences that can actually enrich their lives and be something extra!

I hope this alternative perspective is helpful in some way. You sound wonderful.xxx

PeeAche · 22/09/2021 10:06

Oh, this is an old thread. I just realised!

CathyTre · 22/09/2021 13:13

I am a stepmother to bereaved children and I’m also a first wife whose children have a stepmother! PM me if you like xx

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