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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Sibling disagreements

35 replies

IncognitoZombie · 07/05/2021 22:49

SDD (13) moved in back end of last year, she shares a room with my dd (11) all has been well until lately. Sdd loves to sing and my dd hates listening to her. They've clashed over this so much. I've tried to get dd to be more tolerant, but it really is too much for her. So now sdd wants to move back out and my partner is blaming my dd and saying she should be punished.

Is it my dds fault? I know sdd is allowed to sing but my dd is also allowed to not want noise.

OP posts:

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dementedpixie · 07/05/2021 23:00

Where does she sing?
Can she sing in another room?

CircleofWillis · 07/05/2021 23:04

Punished? For objecting to singing? I think you need to have a clear look at your partner if they are ready to punish a child in a situation like this. Full time room sharing was probably never a good idea for two girls presumably previously used to their own space. Is there no alternative e.g. splitting a big room into two?

Mowington · 07/05/2021 23:11

What? Why should DD be punished?

Is SDD constantly singing in their room?

I absolutely need quiet. Can you ask for quiet at certain times or buy DD noise cancelling headphones?

nimbuscloud · 07/05/2021 23:13

How long have you and your dp been together?

SnarkyBag · 07/05/2021 23:16

Of course she shouldn’t be punished! I’d be questioning the relationship is this what he actually thinks!

SandyY2K · 07/05/2021 23:23

So now sdd wants to move back out and my partner is blaming my dd and saying she should be punished.

Nonsense. You don't get punished for expressing an annoyance. It's also not fair that your DD has to put up with the singing.

Maybe if she sang in the living room or had a designated couple of hours to use the bedroom to sing, that could be a solution.

Thisnamewasnttaken123 · 07/05/2021 23:27

Wow your partner sounds like a dickhead...

Meditationtime · 07/05/2021 23:43

Is this a reverse!?

scrivette · 07/05/2021 23:46

She shouldn't be punished.

This is an issue that should be/have dealt with and addressed by all of the family.

Did your DH make suggestions for alternative options or places where his DD could sing? He needs to take some responsibility.

Original poster

IncognitoZombie · 08/05/2021 03:45

Unfortunately Sdd hasn't expressed just how annoyed this has made her feel and gone straight to asking her mother to move back in. So now dm is getting the ball rolling for her to move back and we've not got a chance to rectify it.

Dd doesn't like headphones. I'm the same as her and love my peace. I've recently (last few days) started doing stuff with dd for a bit on a evening so sdd has time to sing, but then it seems sdd is upset about her not getting to join in (we baked)

Dd does get annoyed at noise easy and will start kicking the bookcase under her desk etc. I tell her to be tolerant or come out of her room but she likes to play on the pc with her friends. Sdd is also on the pc in their room when singing.

OP posts:

Pinkpaisley · 08/05/2021 04:37

Was any consideration given to the disparate personalities of these two unrelated individuals when you made housing decisions when combining households in the first place?

SherryPalmer · 08/05/2021 04:55

Why did your sdd move in in the first place? It’s a lot of responsibility on her shoulders to be allowed to choose who she lives with full-time at 13. Maybe she just wanted to go back to living with her DM and it’s easier to blame your DD than explain to her dad that she would prefer to live elsewhere.

Original poster

IncognitoZombie · 08/05/2021 06:09

Sdd asked to move in as she wasn't getting on with her dm and of course dp jumped at the chance and I welcomed her with open arms too. Tbh I was worried about it as she had her own room before and only 1 older brother so she had never really experienced sibling arguing etc.

SherryPalmer, I actually think you may be right, but that's not fair to my dd.

I'll admit my dd isn't the easiest kid. She is very moody and can come across as ignorant as she doesn't talk much.

OP posts:

ThatIsMyPotato · 08/05/2021 07:37

Absolutely don't punish her. I don't see what she has done wrong. She might have to try the headphones and SDD can have like an hours allotted singing time.

Berthatydfil · 08/05/2021 10:06

What do you mean by singing ?
Is she prancing round with a hairbrush sounding like a strangled cat morning noon and night or is she a good singer / getting lessons and needs to practise?

If it’s the first then this would annoy anyone and in a shared room there has to be give and take like not before /after a certain time or when the other person is in bed / asleep. So she needs to not sing all the time but on the other hand your dd needs to let it go.
Alternatively if she has a nice voice then her father should consider encouraging it and possibly sending her to singing lessons and /or performing arts / drama group. Again she should respect early mornings etc

user648482729 · 08/05/2021 10:22

I don’t think your DD should be punished. I’m not trying to be unkind as I’m sure there was no other choice but they were both put in a very difficult position in having to share a room.

Vikingintraining · 08/05/2021 10:53

Neither of them should be punished either for expressing annoyance or for having a loud hobby. But all the parents need to make more effort in teaching tolerance and conflict resolution. Your daughter can't go through life kicking a cupboard to release her frustration instead of dealing with it properly. Your step daughter can't go through life upping and leaving when she's annoyed with someone or thinks they are annoyed with her. Help them find ways to cooperate.

Original poster

IncognitoZombie · 08/05/2021 11:08

I absolutely understand dd shouldn't go round kicking things etc and I was trying to teach her tolerance and distracting her with other things. But after a day at school she just wanted to come home and relax on her pc. But on the other hand sdd wanted to come home and relax by singing. It was a no win situation and sadly sdd didn't tell us how bad it was before just deciding to tell her dm she wanted to move back, otherwise compromises could have been made. This is what leads me to believe there was more to it. For full disclosure dd did call sdd rude the night before for being protective of some things she was sorting. Dd wanted to look while sdd was sorting them and sdd said "I'll show you how to do them, but I'd rather do them on my own" I didn't quite catch the whole conversation as I was distracted, but dd shouldn't have called her.

OP posts:

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 08/05/2021 11:48

I can see why she wants to go back. This is important to her and your own daughters wish for silence doesn't trump that. Why was no compromise made before it got to that stage?

I’d have moved out with my daughter if I were your DP. Her wants are just as important.

Original poster

IncognitoZombie · 08/05/2021 11:58

IceCream, it was at the point where I realised it was becoming a bigger problem so I had just started to putting into place, like doing things with dd to get her out the room etc. Next step probably would have been setting "singing" and "quiet" times. But sadly we haven't had a chance to implement it.

OP posts:

mynameisbrian · 08/05/2021 14:54

Sounds like your DSD moving in hasnt been good for your DD. She has gone from being a on only DC to now having to sharing her room with another girl two years older. Was it discussed when your DP simply said yes to his daughters request? Is it your home? as in did he move in with you? It would be helpful to know how long DP has been in your life prior to living together.

mynameisbrian · 08/05/2021 15:05

As your post look familiar i did a bad thing a searched your old threads

From looking at your old threads you have 3 DD, who will be around, 17,12,11, there dad was useless, the older DC having anxiety and depression, issues with the 12yr old and the younger one having issues around weight. It is unclear when there dad left as you were still together in 2018. So i worry despite your DC having issues you have brought a new man in to there home and then landed a 4 th DC to add to the mix. Maybe you should have kept the DC home there safe place

FinallyHere · 08/05/2021 16:38

Having to share a bedroom with siblings with whom one has grown up is of course not ideal but sometimes necessary.

Sharing a bedroom with a largely unknown step sibling but be pretty horrible.

Could you afford your own place until your children are grown up?

Tiredoftattler · 08/05/2021 16:54

OP
This experience can be turned into a learning experience for both girls.

You daughter can see that when she attempts to insist that her preferences control the environment that people with different preferences and options will choose to leave and not want to be around her.

You step daughter can see that the environment that she initially found to be so intolerable is proving to be a better fit for her personality and activities preferences.

Both girls can learn that compatibility and flexibility are things that are essential aspects of a healthy living environment.

Thisnamewasnttaken123 · 08/05/2021 17:17

I think if she moved out of her Mum's because she had a falling out with her she was probably always going to go back, she's at a tricky age.

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