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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Second time round dads- are there better

25 replies

Britsmums11 · 07/05/2021 18:51

Following on from a conversation with the hubby , he shared his thoughts on fatherhood. He had a son in his 20's and in a relationship that didn't work out and was short lived . He met me and we have a 12 year old son now. He was very honest about being a better dad the second time round. Due to being older , more settled and more sure of himself. And priorities were different. I was wondering if any step mums with kids with their partner have heard similar sentiments.

OP posts:

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funinthesun19 · 07/05/2021 19:18

I do see what he’s saying. The circumstances were better when he had his second child, so that is naturally going to make the experience different and better. I don’t think that’s a bad thing.

Willyoujustbequiet · 07/05/2021 19:51

Not in my experience no. Generally the same issues/character flaws that contributed to the breakdown of the first marriage continue.

ThatIsMyPotato · 07/05/2021 20:25

Yes although there was a lot of fear on his part that I'd take the baby and leave him for someone else as that is what happened with his other children.

Bibidy · 07/05/2021 21:21

I think my OP could be 'better' next time around in terms of having had experience of looking after babies and children which he obviously didn't have with his first child.

However, both of his children were planned and within a relationship so not the same situation as your DP. I can completely see why someone who had a child in a bad relationship or as the result of a fling would have a better experience when doing it with someone they love.

KylieKoKo · 07/05/2021 21:42

I would say that most people get more mature as they get older and learn from their mistakes so I imagine a lot of dads are better second time round. I imagine that a lot of mums are too. It's the way people work.

Footloosefancyfree · 07/05/2021 21:43

I'd say ds dad has matured and got alot better than when we first had ds at 21.

excelledyourself · 07/05/2021 21:50

According to your last thread, his son is only 11 and you have an 18month old together?

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/05/2021 22:26

Your other thread was very recent. How old is your child now?

ihavenowords30 · 07/05/2021 22:27

100% my DH has a step son then in very quick concession 2 other children under a year apart with his ex in his early 20s they were together 10 years or so, I met him 8 years ago and we have a 3 year old he has said on many occasions he feels more responsible, ready and present this time round.

For the record they were both stupid having 2 children so close together when they barely knew each other so not bashing the mum here.

It's little things like he cannot remember there birth weights or if they were early or late. He didn't get as hands in with them as mum took over that and he worked so with our son he oddly was in a similar spot to me with feeling a lot of firsts.
He's a great dad to all the kids but it was very different second time around

Tiredoftattler · 07/05/2021 22:57

@ihavenowords30
My ex and I realized that we knew very little about romantic love , unconditional love and parenting, and the elasticity of love until we had our children.

When we held our daughter for the first time we realized what it meant to love someone instantly and unconditionally.

Going forward we would joke that romantic love was just currency love. You loved a man or woman because of x y or z. You child , you just loved and nothing could ever change that love.

Several years later when I became pregnant with my second child, we worried about our capacity to love another child because every inch and space in our hearts belonged so completely to our daughter.

When we held our second child it was the exact same feelings that we had with the first - instant unconditional love and an awareness that from that instant on this child too owned our hearts. We realized then the elastic quality of real love. Even though we are divorced, we still joke about the second child making us better and more informed parents.

Maybe because we are approaching Mothers Day, I was thinking just how amazing it is to hold a child for the first time and realize in that moment a love so intense that you would in that very moment give up your life if necessary to protect a child that moments before you had never seen. The realization still leaves me in awe.

WhatWouldPhyllisCraneDo · 07/05/2021 23:18

@excelledyourself

According to your last thread, his son is only 11 and you have an 18month old together?

That's what I was thinking 🤔

unicornsarereal72 · 08/05/2021 07:55

Everyone's experience will be different. My ex was early 20's when we had our children. We were in a secure relationship home and work etc. He was very hands off. Did his own sweet thing and controlling. Shouting etc.

I do wonder if he has learnt from how he was with us. He is approaching 40 now but with a younger women so another child is a possibility. I hope he is a better person/parent if this does happen. But his personality won't of changed. I don't give it any head space.

FishyFriday · 08/05/2021 10:39

I agree that it will vary enormously with individuals. I know that I am a better parent to DS3 than I was able to be to DS1 for a whole host of reasons: circumstances, maturity, and so on. That's pretty standard I think - you learn as you parent.

My H is not a better father to DS3 than to his other children. He's probably worse if anything. Tbh, I'm not sure he's cut out for fatherhood at all. As far as I can tell, he likes the idea of himself as a father and doing some fun bits when it suits him so long as someone else does the hard work. With hindsight, I suspect his ex would agree with that description of him.

Happycat1212 · 08/05/2021 10:54

Sadly not for me, my ex has an older child he doesn’t see, now he doesn’t see ours 🤷‍♀️

UhtredRagnarson · 08/05/2021 10:58

Well most people are better the second time they do something. They have more experienced, can learn from previous mistakes, are perhaps older and more mature.

ConfusedAdultFemale · 08/05/2021 10:59

I’m not a step mum, but I had my older children young with ex and 8 years later my youngest with DP. I am definitely a better mum now than I was back then and for the same reasons your DH said. I’ve more experience, confidence, stability in life etc.

MarkUp · 08/05/2021 13:07

It depends what you mean by better.

If someone is a terrible parent first time round, they will likely be the same the second time.

But I can see your husband's points. It's not that he was a bad father before, he is just more mature now which leads itself to being a better Dad generally.

We've had similar conversations in terms of things like stability, finances etc... with DH being in a much better position when his youngest was born than his eldest. He wasn't / isn't a bad Dad but he does feel he can offer a "better" (for want of a better word) life to his youngest from the day they were born than he could of done for his eldest 12 years ago as a young 20 something with a min wage job, living at mum and dad's, iyswim.

harryclr · 09/05/2021 09:33

Not in my case. My DP is a good dad but i do basically everything for our son, because im his mother and i like to do it all but because SD mother isnt great he does everything for her, bedtime, homework, always taking her out etc so if you look at who does what for who day to day, hes a better dad to her, he most likely wont be doing those things for our son when hes older because i will.

I find its the 'original' kids that probably get the best version of dad, because they just get all the good bits

BornIn78 · 09/05/2021 09:38

What he probably actually means, but doesn’t/won’t acknowledge is - you’ve stuck around to do most of the parenting on his behalf, unlike his ex.

So he can pat himself on the back and tell himself he’s been great this time around.

Maybe83 · 09/05/2021 10:44

Yes DH and I are better parents second time round.

We are older and more mature and have a stable home and relationship. That means we are also better parents to our older children than we were when they were younger as well as our youngest dd.

I dont think that is something that parents only experience if they have children in subsequent relationships. I think that it happens to alot of parents as you get older you have a better perspective on life and you are more comfortable in your parenting.

aSofaNearYou · 09/05/2021 12:26

Yes second time has definitely been better for DP, but tbh this is a big part of why I was even willing to be in the relationship. His was a typical case of relationship with ex was wrong from the start, only got worse when DSS was born, separated quite early on. All far too young. I don't think I would have been interested if he had years of happy marriage and happy family under his belt.

KylieKoKo · 09/05/2021 12:32

I can imagine it must be quite difficult for ex wives/partners to witness their exes being a better dad to subsequent children with someone else.

Liliolla · 09/05/2021 13:02

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eggsfor1 · 09/05/2021 14:30

@Willyoujustbequiet

Not in my experience no. Generally the same issues/character flaws that contributed to the breakdown of the first marriage continue.

My experience also

user47000000000 · 09/05/2021 21:01

My DP is a better Dad to our kids than the kids from his first marriage.

Part of this is because his ex isn’t an effective parent and I am so he’s learnt a lot from me.

I know that sounds a bit arrogant but he does say that he’s learnt so many effective parenting strategies from me.

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