Step Parenting, Abortions, Advice - AM I BEING UNREASONABLE AIBU?

[HereToLetOffBurdens]

WARNING - LENGTHY POST. THOUGHT ID PROVIDE THE BACKSTORY.
Sorry if i ramble, I'm just so upset and need to talk.

I am here for a bit of advice really about how I'm feeling. Im sure its common, but still, I need to get everything off my chest and I need to hear others thoughts and opinions.

14 months ago, I had an abortion. It was a complete accident of a pregnancy, I had no intentions of having children, and I even made my partner aware that should an accident happen so early, I wouldn't go through with it. He was very upset about this, being as he had a 1.5 yr old daughter from previous relationship at the time. Anyway, find out I'm pregnant, very little reaction from him, we sit and talk about it, and agree that we hadn't even been on our first holiday together, the house is a bit small, we wanted to make more memories together, Im young (23 at the time, 24 now) so we wouldn't go ahead. Now I will admit, I was heartbroken. I don't know why as I knew everything was saying that it was common sense to wait, but still, I was very upset.

For months I went down the toxic slippery slope of guilt, despair, meltdowns, outbursts of anger and upset. I caused countless arguments, I had many emotional breakdowns. I figured it was grieving and it would get better with time, which to a degree, it has. However even now I'm not the same, I get bitter when I see others announce pregnancies, I can't go on social media without seeing a pregnancy or baby and getting upset, I constantly get anxiety because i'll think about the whole situation and start to worry, I feel sick with dread.

A bit more back story, which may make my feelings a little more clear. OH has a daughter, now 3, from previous. This has been the biggest issue for me. I constantly tore into him and beat myself up - why did he have her child and not me? Why am i so different? Does he not want kids with me? - i asked myself these things daily. Now, I'm 50/50 all the time. Part of me knows this is all irrational - is it because his previous experience has made him genuinely want to wait incase he ends up in this situation again? is it that he genuinely wants to make memories with me before we settle down? I honestly can't think straight.

The hard part i suppose, is being a step mom every weekend. Its living that mom life on a weekend, when I know this child is not mine. When I know i could be doing all this, but with my own child. Again, I'm so split between rational and irrational thoughts that Im like "maybe he doesn't ever want kids with me" and "don't be silly, he just doesn't want to rush"

I don't regret my abortion, because I know it was the right thing to do, Im young and I have time to do that, but then I worry because my partner is 30, and feel pushed for time as I want two of my own. I just can't live with the guilt, can't live with the what ifs, can't live with seeing everyone be this happy family when I am not. His parents are only ever bothered about their grandchild, of course i get it, but then that hurts because I'm like "I could have gave them another one of those". I constantly compare myself to his ex in terms if fitting into their family, and feel I will never be as welcomed and as important as she is, because she has given them something that can't be replaced.

He doesn't understand my emotions, and i know its not normal to still feel this way on a year down the line. I am awaiting a referral from the doctors for counselling and to look into PTSD, but i still feel I'm going out of mind. OH doesn't really know what to say, he's one of these that keeps all his emotions bottled up and gets on with it, which is the type of person I cannot be.

We have spoken about children, and he has said it will happen one day, but I still am not convinced. I feel like he is so happy in his little bubble with his little girl that I am just completely forgotten about, myself and a child I could provide are completely pushed to the back of his mind, because he has his little princess and no one or nothing will ever compare.

Honestly, Im just lost. I just don't know how to feel. I have days where all is good, and days where everything falls apart.

Firstly, you are not being unreasonable.

Secondly, abortion is hard. Whatever your feelings on it - whether it was 100% the right decision at the time, it doesn't go hand-in-hand that you won't struggle with your emotions sometimes. I had an abortion decades ago now and I STILL struggle with it on occasions. (I was younger than you, I was 17). It is completely normal for you to still be having emotions like this - please don't let him tell you otherwise. Everybody responds differently and just because 14 months have passed it does not mean that your feelings aren't valid.

Thirdly, being in a step-parent situation (I say 'situation' as someone is clearly going to bound in and correct you and tell you you're not a SP as you're not married...) That is also a very very tough thing to navigate, and even tougher right now because of your emotions surrounding the abortion.

You're in a really complicated situation, one I can empathise with quite a lot. I don't want to put too much on here as it could be outing but feel free to DM me if you want to chat x

@cornishgem1975

Thankyou, yes I will message if you don't mind

@HereToLetOffBurdens feel free to dm me too. I too understand what you're feeling.

@HereToLetOffBurdens

This sounds a very sad situation to be in for you. I hope counselling helps you.

I think if I was you I'd leave the relationship, but that's very easy for me to say as I'm not the one living it.

[quote Shinesun14]@HereToLetOffBurdens

This sounds a very sad situation to be in for you. I hope counselling helps you.

I think if I was you I'd leave the relationship, but that's very easy for me to say as I'm not the one living it.[/quote]
I would too; I certainly wouldn't want a child with this man who already had a very small child at the start of the relationship.

You are young, you don't need this man or his baby - particularly not the latter.

It reads to me that like you do actually regret the abortion. It’s one thing to decide an abortion is best with your head and have all the logical reasons, but as you’ve said, you were “heart broken” and grieving after you went through with it.

And your questions about why didn’t your partner want the baby, why are you different from his ex that he did have a baby with has me thinking perhaps when you had that discussion with him about the pregnancy, part of you expected your partner to say he wanted the baby, but instead he agreed with you and all your reasons right away. So I think you are questioning his motives. Did he agree with you thinking that was the support you wanted and needed, or because of some other reason?

So, yes you definitely need therapy to get to the root of this. There is nothing wrong with regretting a decision. No one can know how abortion or even childbirth/motherhood will affect them until after they go through with it. And as bad as you feel now, the abortion was probably the best choice for you. You are a step mother and you and your partner are parenting a 3yr old, as fun and nice as that is, you cannot compare that to what would have been if you’d had the baby. It would in reality be a completely different and more stressful life to be handling a toddler plus a baby!

You’re not unreasonable at all but I can’t see how your relationship will ever work. Step parenting is hard enough, you’re young and his child is very young. You have years and years of unhappy step parenting ahead of you. I’d cut and run and find a man without children. I wish I had run when I discovered how horrific the situation was with my then partner’s children. The signs were there from very early, it only got worse and worse. We’re separated now and it’s wholly down to how his children (and their mother to some extent) behave.

You are way too young to be in this situation. At your age you have lots of time to find a man who doesn't have any kids and who you will experience all your 'firsts' together.

Where you don't have to compare yourself or your relationship with the inlaws to his Ex.

I have a daughter 3 years younger than you and I'd be devastated if she was in your situation now or in 3 years time and settling for this kind of relationship.

It's one thing when time is against you as a woman and your options are limited to older men with kids, but you have a lot on your side and have a high place in the dating market.

Don't settle for less or sell yourself short...not as 24.

Aw OP, this is so awful for you but we can all only make the right decisions for us at the time. You sound like it genuinely was what you thought was right when you made that decision, so please don't beat yourself up.

At 24, I definitely don't think you need to be worried about running out of time to have 2 children. Even if your partner is 30, lots of people aren't even having their first child these days until a good while past that. I also don't think it sounds like your partner doesn't want a baby with you, just that you both agreed it wasn't right at that particular time. One of my friends ended a pregnancy with her boyfriend a few years ago because it just wasn't the right time....that same couple now have a 3 month old together, so it doesn't mean it will never be right for you . I wonder if some of the thoughts you're having are telling you that maybe you would like to think about having a child of your own sometime soon?

I won't tell you you are too young to be with someone with a child as I was only 26 myself when I got together with my DP (2 children). But just know it's a hard road, especially when you look around at friends who are living the more 'normal' 20-something life of going out, taking lovely holidays, moving in with partners etc.

I was in the same situation and have had the same thoughts as you. Just because it wasn't the right time doesn't mean there won't be a right time.

It does sound like you are in a vulnerable place and your thoughts are all over - for instance, you really need to stop thinking of it as the child you could "provide" for him, and needing to have kids to prove yourself worthy to him and his family. You are internalizing a lot of misogyny there and you should not feel you need to prove yourself to him. If anything, given the baggage he brings, he needs to prove himself to you.

I really feel being in a relationship with this man is not the right thing for you right now. Being around his child is not pleasant for you due to your experience, and his situation seems to make you feel really insecure. I think the best thing for you would be to put him behind you, focus on yourself and perhaps getting some counselling for how you are feeling, and ultimately, finding someone who doesn't have kids so you don't have to deal with any of the things you've mentioned. From what you've described here, I think that would be the best thing for you even if the abortion had never happened. That's not a shameful thing, dating people with kids almost always comes with drawbacks and sacrifices that are best avoided.