Step daughter told me she loves me more than her Dad...

[TinyJac]

So that’s it really. Sitting and playing a game one night, just the two of us, my stepdaughter (aged 7) told me she loves me to the moon and back but only loves her Dad “11” and asked me not to say anything but she wanted me to know.

I wasn’t quite sure how to react so made a little joke of it and asked why she loves her Dad 11 (I’m not sure out of how many!). She said that he gets mad at her too easily and she feels like he’s angry. I tried to reassure her whilst reminding her that her Dad loves her very much.

They had a disagreement earlier in the evening with her not being a very good loser with playing games and he does have a tendency to lose his temper with her. Nothing violent but equally not the way I treat her or would treat a child of my own.

I’m not sure what to do... Do I tell him? How much do I tell him? Do I keep quiet?
It’s a difficult position made even harder by the fact I don’t like how easily he can get frustrated and the patterns of behaviour that that has created so I do see where she is coming from.

I wouldn't mention about her saying she loved you more, or loved him 11 - this has the potential to make him feel jealous or hurt, but I would definitely bring up that she mentioned how he makes her feel. He should know that and be taking steps to fix it.

Or was said in confidence so not good to tell your DP. But I would drop in a word casually that maybe his behaviour will have an impact on DD. And he should lessen to send the message across without scaring her.

Agree, don’t tell him about the loving you more thing. That’s hurtful and unnecessary for him to know.
I might carefully tell him what she said about his temper. You’ll need to word it carefully.
How much input does he normally like from you with regards to his daughter?

Definitely speak to him about the way he treats DD but also think about the fact that if you have DC with him, he will treat them like he treats DD and it will probably be worse as he will have them all the time. Is the way he treats Dd, the way you want him to treat your joint children if you decide to have them?

I wouldnt over think it. When i was with DP (now ex) my kids (who were similar age at the time) told him they loved him more than me... he was fun, new and didnt need to discipline them. It didnt last long! I was happy that they got on, we were together for 5 years and they always got on but loved me more really!!

I don't think you should read too much into what 7 year olds say. I remember telling my mum I loved my auntie more because she didn't tell me off in a bid to get my mum to let me do whatever I wanted. It didn't work and I most definitely did not love my auntie more ....

I wouldn’t read into it too much, my son tells my friend he loves him more than me, what he really means is “I love that when you look after me I eat loads of chocolate and get away with absolute murder”.

It's great that she loves you snd it's great that she can talk to you

I definitely wouldn't tell him what she said, but I would say DSD gets really scared & upset when you lose your temper. She's 7 & much smaller than you, you need to remember that or she won't want to come here anymore
AND I don't like the way you lose your temper with her OR me. If you can't control
It, maybe an Anger Management course would be helpful.

Honestly.. Im sure at other times it'll be her dad she prefers. But it's great she feels so confident and happy with you and will tell you things. Big pat on the back for doing a great job... Not many children are lucky enough to have that relationship
I'd just talk to her Dad about how he makes her feel.

Thanks everyone, that’s what I was thinking so I’m glad that’s the consensus.

I’ll have a tactful chat at a suitable time and hopefully it’ll be received in the manner intended.

Thank you also for the nice comments about our relationship. I do feel lucky that she has accepted me and I’m under no illusion that I am loved “to the moon and back” because I don’t have to do the tough bits of parenting!

Really appreciate your responses.

J

Could you also say something about your own observations of how he gets frustrated and behaves...and the way a child could perceive that. You'll need to tread carefully when you say it, or he'll just get defensive if he perceives it as a criticism.

This is fairly common, I get similar from my partners daughter who is the same age. She also asked if she can call me mum (argh).

Girls gravitate towards woman often at that age.

My parents separated when I was young. I loved my mum more she was there and was a constant. My daughter tells me she loves me more than daddy. I'm guessing for the same reasons. I pick up from school. Wash her hair organise her birthday party etc etc.

Even if you were together children have a favourite parent? The softer one?

My ex is shouty and aggressive. No intervention made him parent different when we were together. So me saying anything now wouldn't make a difference except likely the kids get it in the neck and not feel they can confide in me. My eldest stopped going my youngest isn't far behind. You reap what you sow. But everyone's situation is different if you feel you can have that conversation then do. Hopefully you get a positive outcome.

I think it’s very important to respect the confidences of children. Oftentimes, it seems adults don’t take children’s privacy as seriously as they do that for other adults. If she asked you not to tell, don’t tell. Children learn quickly who they can trust and who they don’t trust, to respect private conversations. It’s wonderful that you respect her this way.

The obvious exception is when children’s safety is at stake.

A carefully thought out comment to your husband how you’ve noticed his anger upsets his daughter would be appropriate, though.

@KylieKoKo

I don't think you should read too much into what 7 year olds say. I remember telling my mum I loved my auntie more because she didn't tell me off in a bid to get my mum to let me do whatever I wanted. It didn't work and I most definitely did not love my auntie more ....

My mum likes to remind me of the time I told her I loved my auntie more than her 'because she buys me sweets from the shop'.

Obviously as a child I'd no appreciation for the fact that my Mum (and Dad) bought me absolutely everything I owned, ate, drank and wore 🤣 and yes, I absolutely didn't love my auntie more.