New to this, am I being unreasonable.

[BananaQueen19]

So bit of a back story, my partner and I have been together for 2.5yrs. We blended our families last year, its had its highs and lows. I two children of my own A daughter and son (12&5) and a step daughter(9). My partners ex has always been present in our lives, sharing her options etc. At first I struggled with this but I have slowly worked on myself and learnt to live with it. However, Recently my daughter got into trouble at school, both myself and the school used the police as a threat so my daughter would understand the seriousness of the situation. I did not know that my daughter had confided in my step daughter and told her about being in trouble and the police being involved (again, just a threat never happend). My step daughter told her mum about this, which lead her to then message my partner having a go to say she should of been informed. I'm under impression that there no need for her to be informed of what is happening with my own daughter. I agree if it was something that would effect my step daughter then my partner would inform her. This now lead to her say that the girls shouldn't be sharing a bedroom and my own daughter's behaviour is worrying. The girls sharing a room is our only option at the moment, moving isn't possible just yet. I feel this is a personal attack, I understand that she feels there are concerns for her own daughter but this is something that was blown out of proportion. Just looking for some advice, im not sure on what the "norm" is....

Have you actually clarified with the mum what happened because at the moment you seemed clear why she doesn't want her child sharing with yours when she has had 3rd hand info from her own child. In trying not to share information about your DD you're just turning it into a bigger thing. If you call her up and clarify what took place and that there was actually no police involvement, it was more of an empty threat, she may feel differently

@blackcat86

Have you actually clarified with the mum what happened because at the moment you seemed clear why she doesn't want her child sharing with yours when she has had 3rd hand info from her own child. In trying not to share information about your DD you're just turning it into a bigger thing. If you call her up and clarify what took place and that there was actually no police involvement, it was more of an empty threat, she may feel differently

I agree with this, communication is the answer here. She’s probably panicking because she’s only heard half the story, and her mind will be imagining the worst when trying to fill in the blanks. Just talk to her, or get your husband to, and explain in a matter of fact way exactly what happened, so she has all the information.

I don't blame her mum tbh, I would have expected to have been told and I would probably have been concerned at the speed in which you started living together and expecting the girls to share a room.

A similar incident happened at my daughter's school (she wasn't part of it) but heard about it and was shown messages from the group chat. She was also the target of in another incident. These things are often minimized yet are profoundly damaging. I wouldn't want her exposed to anything like that in a home environment.

I would be worried if I heard this story 3rd hand from my daughter. I'd feel I should have at least been told such to be prepared for any comments made by DD. I'm sorry I also wouldn't want her sharing a room.

No experience of this situation, but I think it might be worth explaining to the mother that you didn't think it was something that would come up between the girls or that is was relevant - it was essentially a bullying incident in school that was dealt with.

However, now you know your DD confides in her step-sister, it does make you aware that actually she could be exposed to quite a lot. At 9, if she's hearing/being shown things your 12 year old is being sent in chats, it could have a bad effect.

I would be tempted to a) make sure mother was v clear on what happened, b) explain that you didn't think it would have any impact on her dd and c) accept that if something does come up again that could effect her DD you will discuss it. And think seriously about what that might be. I think its also important to make clear the content, and that the policy were largely used as a threat rather than, as one poster assumed there being indecent photos etc. She may feel you are still concealing things from her.

I agree she doesn't get to have a say on how you parent your child. but I think the fact your DD is discussing things like this with her DD blurs the lines a bit, as she could potentially be exposed to a lot she's too young for.

I think with the nature of the behaviour, YANBU. Kids being mean to each other isn't a threat, as long as DSD doesn't show any signs of feeling bullied by DD. I can see how the mention of police involvement might have rang alarm bells out of context, but with the explanation, I don't think you've done anything wrong.

If it was a full sibling living together there would be no other option but to spend time together so I think it is an over-reaction. I don't choose what happens in my exes house with my child and if the child is being properly punished which is sounds like she is then there is no issue. Pre-teens can be horrid. The ex will work this out when she has a pre-teen herself. Luckily mine lives in a world of her own but some of the stories she comes back with from girls are unreal!

I wouldn’t feel I needed to share that kind of information with DSDs mum and the room sharing is not her choice.

Sorry but some of these replies are CRAZY!!

The police have been threatened by OP and the school as a deterrent, not because OP's 12yo daughter is a master criminal or sharing pictures of children?! Presumably OP's DP has explained the situation which got OP's daughter into trouble - if that has been outlined to the ex that really should be enough.

I don't agree that this needed to be disclosed to DAD'S mum. It concerns your DD and has been dealt with. She's not a danger to society at large or to her stepsister.

As a child, it's not nice to know your parents have told others when you've been in trouble.

The important thing, is for your DD to understand the serious of her actions and not only the consequences for her, but the impact on the victims/those being name called. Its also important that she understands that as DSDs mum knows, she's concerned about her DD around your DD. This will help her understand, that parents aren't keen on their kids being around people who don't behave nicely....it's seen as a bad influence. This isn't to make your DD feel bad....just to get her to understand how far-reaching her actions are.

If you feel assured that sgechas learnt her lesson, then just have your DH tell his Ex.

For DSDs mum, she might be worried your DD will bully DSD.

Some of these replies are extreme. Personally because it's not something that does or would affect dsd I don't think it's any of mum's business. I can see why she's heard the word police and freaked but come on, it's girls being mean not indecent images of children as helpfully suggested above it's been dealt with and hopefully she knows better than to do it again.

I wouldn't have the ex trying to get involved like that I really wouldn't. Dsd has a responsible parent in your household, she doesn't need to get involved.

“If it was a full sibling living together there would be no other option but to spend time together so I think it is an over-reaction.”

But this isn’t a full-sibling. It isn’t even a sibling. It’s two completely unrelated children sharing a room. That can work, but to claim that it is anyway similar to a sibling relationship is disingenuous. These are just random people forced together because their parents decided to share a home.

@Pinkpaisley

“If it was a full sibling living together there would be no other option but to spend time together so I think it is an over-reaction.”

But this isn’t a full-sibling. It isn’t even a sibling. It’s two completely unrelated children sharing a room. That can work, but to claim that it is anyway similar to a sibling relationship is disingenuous. These are just random people forced together because their parents decided to share a home.

This. And if they were full siblings then all of the involved parents would be in the house and in control of how the situation is handled. This mother isn’t in the house and has no ability to monitor things between the girl and her daughter going forward. Of course it’s different!

I wouldn’t feel I needed to share that kind of information with DSDs mum and the room sharing is not her choice

You’d be happy, then, with your 9 year old spending what is a significant portion of her time when with her other parent on her own in a room with someone 3 years older who has been proven to viciously bully others? Doesn’t matter what kind of ‘not her business’ you try to spin it with, it absolutely is something that shouldn’t have been allowed to come from the daughter. If there isn’t anything to be concerned about, on what basis was it sensible to keep it quiet?

Sorry, OP, I don’t mean to be rude about your daughter because I know these things happen and that in the heat of the moment and peer pressure, young people do stuff they shouldn’t. I am still not sure, however, that there would be much you could say at this point that would make it better for me, as the parent of a younger child having to spend time with your child, I do think up front honesty would have helped enormously here.

I understand why dsd's mum would have reacted like that when she heard her 9 year old tell her this story. (Assuming that it's accurate in the first place)

Dsd's mum didn't really need to know but since dsd knows about this, dsd's mum needs to know too. She needs to be told what was said and that you're dealing with things because dsd's mum will be worried about her dd learning or reading this kind of thing and repeating that behaviour herself. She may be also worried that dsd has heard a gentler version of the story because a 12 year old might not want to admit to the language used (especially if the 9yo might not know the words)

Treat them like your own... Except, don't, ever because they are just random people forced together.

Bullying has become a major problem in many schools going far beyond the mean girl behavior. There have been many instances of students seriously harming themselves as a result of having been bullied. This is not behavior to be treated lightly.

The mom has every right to be concerned about her daughter being exposed to someone who willingly engages in bullying behavior.

I would actively discourage my daughter from choosing friends who engaged in this kind of behavior and I can understand a mother having reservations about her daughter being forced to share s room with someone who engages in that type of behavior.

The OP has no obligation to discuss her daughter with her partner's ex. The ex however has every right expect the dad to be mindful and diligent about the kind of environment in which he is willing to place their daughter.

What if the bullying had resulted in the child being bullied attempting suicide? Sadly, this has happened in a number of schools. Would the answer still be a cavalier attitude of the ex has no right to know the behavior of the child with whom her daughter is sharing a room?

It seems to me that this is a situation that would cause a level of concern for many parents, and I would expect the solution to be something a bit more involved than we will separate the kids when finances permit.

I agree with you OP. Sounds like unfortunate but typical teenage behaviour. You dealt with it well. The girls get along fine. Mum had no need to be informed by your OH and make it an official matter.

I do have to wonder if those saying they wouldn’t be happy have ever met or had a 12 year old girl? Or boy for that matter?

This is very common, with social media now kids do silly things without realising how serious it could be!

I don’t think it’s any of the exes business unless as someone else said that DSD was on the receiving end of the behaviour.

What your DD did is not nice but is by no stretch uncommon, just so happens she was caught. This goes on daily without people ever finding out about it. Kids with phone who aren’t really responsible enough to use them sensibly, but this is life these days.

My own DC and DSC share a room and It’s our only option too.

I think the ex can ask about it given she’s been told but she can’t dictate what happens or demand other info. She has to trust her DCs parent would be responsible enough to act if the concerns warranted them not sharing a room anymore.

“If it was a full sibling living together there would be no other option but to spend time together so I think it is an over-reaction.”

But this isn’t a full-sibling. It isn’t even a sibling. It’s two completely unrelated children sharing a room. That can work, but to claim that it is anyway similar to a sibling relationship is disingenuous. These are just random people forced together because their parents decided to share a home.

But full siblings are 2 children forced together because parents decided to have another child without express permission from the other child!

Are half siblings ok though? Or what if the child lives full time with a step sibling? Then they shouldn't be in the same room to sleep?

My 2 step children have different mums but share a room. What do I do if one of them acts up? Just so I know what the rules are here appointed by MN?

Honestly mental responses! Haha

All it would have taken was a word to the mother along the lines of
"By the way, this has happened, we are dealing with it" and most likely all would have been fine. Wouldn't have even required all the gory details.
We tell DSDs mum stuff that's not really her business because it means that
A) she knows what's going on in her daughter's life with us
B) she knows she can trust us to be honest
C) we can control how things are communicated (ie. Not leaving her to get half a story with emphasis on all the wrong points from a 9 year old and fill in all the blanks herself, catastrophise and panic about her child's wellbeing)

By no means have things always been good between DH and his ex but I'm so glad they have got to a point where they can work together.

I do have to wonder if those saying they wouldn’t be happy have ever met or had a 12 year old girl? Or boy for that matter?

When your oldest is in primary, a secondary school age child in comparison seems so much older and knowledgeable about the world. People may balk at a 9 and 12 yo sharing precisely because they know what 12 year olds are like based on their school at 12.

I totally understand the point that this is a one off and it's being handled. My kids are older than 12 and personally I've only heard of police being involved if there's extreme content like nudes or videos of someone being beaten up or something. Plus there's the possibility that the 9yo hasn't got all the facts so her retelling sounds more alarming than reality.

On top of that kids on here are sometimes the most shielded in life. I've seen parents on here say that sex education in year 5 (age 9-10) is frightening and ruining childhood innocence.

I also tend to think that if this was the other way round, and it was the step child who was in trouble, the parent of the resident child would be told to get a grip.

@Getyourarseofffthequattro I completely agree. If my 2 step kids mess up they are still welcome to spend time with us. I wouldn't be refusing to let them spend time with mine. Kids make mistakes and how you respond to them shapes who they are we wouldn't judge them for mistakes. God knows we all made them in our pasts as kids. I think people forget this.

I understand that she feels there are concerns for her own daughter but..

Take the "But" out of that statement...there is no BUT (as that is invalidating to the mum)

The mother is being protective and if the shoe was on the other foot what would you realistically want to happen? Most reasonable people would want their concerns heard, details of actions taken and reassurances given that your Sd will be listened to. Let her know that you don't support your daughters behaviour and its alien to your values so understand why she is so concerned. Talk about the sanctions on your daughter and what you are doing to ensure she knows she has to respect the age difference of SD.

At the moment your daughter isn't a good role model, even if they get on, that's not relevant. I hope it's a blip but you have to accept she hasn't shown herself in a good light and has damaged trust. The 9 year old is way too young to be able to have boundaries around an older child.

It absolute matters that they are unrelated as it means the adults involved don't share the same values and this is why it's become emotive. Reassure the mum and listen to her...Time will fix this and if you are in the relationship for a long time then its worth making the effort with the Ex.

You are not unreasonable if you allow the mum to be reassured. You are unreasonable if you refuse to validate her worries.