New to this, am I being unreasonable.

[BananaQueen19]

So bit of a back story, my partner and I have been together for 2.5yrs. We blended our families last year, its had its highs and lows. I two children of my own A daughter and son (12&5) and a step daughter(9). My partners ex has always been present in our lives, sharing her options etc. At first I struggled with this but I have slowly worked on myself and learnt to live with it. However, Recently my daughter got into trouble at school, both myself and the school used the police as a threat so my daughter would understand the seriousness of the situation. I did not know that my daughter had confided in my step daughter and told her about being in trouble and the police being involved (again, just a threat never happend). My step daughter told her mum about this, which lead her to then message my partner having a go to say she should of been informed. I'm under impression that there no need for her to be informed of what is happening with my own daughter. I agree if it was something that would effect my step daughter then my partner would inform her. This now lead to her say that the girls shouldn't be sharing a bedroom and my own daughter's behaviour is worrying. The girls sharing a room is our only option at the moment, moving isn't possible just yet. I feel this is a personal attack, I understand that she feels there are concerns for her own daughter but this is something that was blown out of proportion. Just looking for some advice, im not sure on what the "norm" is....

@Fireflygal
I agree with your comments.

Bullying has become a serious problem with serious consequences. It has gone far beyond the kids will be kids concept. If you were to ask school administrators, it would be among the list of the most serious issues that they are facing in schools today. The impact of bullying effects not only the perpetrators and the immediate victim but in some cases have had serious and even deadly impact on the entire school community. Hence the mention of possible police involvement was not an idle threat to frighten the children but a statement of the next step reality.

Probably most parents in the school are unaware of what happened, and there is no reason to alert them.
However the parents of those involved were alerted and the ex falls into the circle of involved parents by virtue of the OP's daughter sharing the information with the 9 year old.

Propriety and a concern of maintenance of good coparenting relationship alone should have promoted the father to share this information with the 9 year old's mother.

Not many parents leave their 9 year old children free to choose friends and manage difficult situations without parental influence and input.

Not many parents would electively choose to encourage or support their 9 year olds in selecting bullies as their friends.

The OP is taking appropriate steps to handle her daughter's issues and yet she is not at all understanding or accepting the right of the 9 year old's mother to take what she views as appropriate steps to manage her daughter's situation.

I would hope that if the 12 year old has an actively involved father that the OP is sharing information about his daughter 's behavior with him.

I do not necessarily believe that the OP had any obligation to share information with the ex. I do believe that her partner had an absolute obligation to make his ex aware of a problem that had the potential to seriously impact their daughter.

The mom's response is not a judgement being passed on the OP's daughter, rather it is a judgement about the situation in which her daughter is being housed and the manner in which information is shared or not shared.

@Tiredoftattler You would discourage your daughter from being friends with somebody you knew had got in trouble in this way, but chances are you wouldn't know and would have no right to know.

I find it interesting that you're all about minding your own business and leaving things for others to manage until it's somebody in "your" position in the equation that wants to be involved.

@Getyourarseofffthequattro

I also tend to think that if this was the other way round, and it was the step child who was in trouble, the parent of the resident child would be told to get a grip.

God, this is so true.

I think this has all been blown way out of proportion, both by this mum and by some people on this thread. Things like this happen with children, the school and OP are dealing with it. Once that has been explained to the mum, that's where it should end.

I can only imagine the grief a stepmum would get if she said she didn't want her stepdaughter sharing a room with her child anymore because SD had been accused of bullying another child at school. The 'charge' is not related to behaviour towards the younger child in this scenario, and they have a totally different relationship to the one OP's daughter has with 'friends' her own age at school.

@aSofaNearYou
Try googling "bullying in UK schools" if you want to know about the growing problem and impact.

I think the mother of the 9 year old has every right to be concerned that the 12 year old felt that the 9 year old had a need or right to know.

The 9 year old then felt the need to share this information with her mom, and yet the dad felt no need to inform his child's mother.

Seemingly, the children in this situation have a better grasp of appropriate communication flow than do the adults in this situation.

Fyi. I live in the States. My brothers children attend a school where a 4th grade student brought a gun to school in response to a situation in which he felt that he was being bullied.

Fortunately, the gun was intercepted before anyone was injured. Bullying is by no means just "kids being kids" or mean girl behavior, nor is the outcome always what the kids intended.

What parent wants to take that risk ?

Again, extreme.

@Tiredoftattler I'm aware that bullying is a problem - though interestingly given your comment I've always got the impression it is a bigger problem in the US. Yes it can go beyond "kids being kids" but it also frequently is just that, however nasty it is. These details sound like the latter.

But my point was, there's a huge amount of "didn't think to tell her" in your comment for someone whose usual line of argument is that people can handle their own affairs and nobody should ever feel the need to be involved in those things, even if it tangentially affects them. It's yet another example where that argument, which you say you apply to everybody, only seems to apply to step parents.

@aSofaNearYou
I think that the when the impact from bullying is significant, it is so unimaginably painful that it is never something that should be treated lightly.

As you suggest, I am a big proponent of both self reliance and knowing your lane.

I don't think that the OP had any obligation to put her daughter's behavior on radio blast.

I do think that the OP's partner had an obligation to alert his daughter's mother to the situation, and I think that the mother had s right to be concerned.

The OP 's daughter to make mistakes is in no way curtailed by the 9 year old's mother wanting her moved to a different room. The 9 year old's mom is not trying to tell the OP how to parent or manage her household. Her only request relates to the placement of her child.

The 9 year old's mother is not broadcasting the 12 year old's business nor is she publicly or privately vilifying the 12 year old. The mom is not even asking that the 9 year old be removed from the house. She has simply said the 9 year old and 12_year old roommate placement may be working to the detriment of her child.

That is neither a vicious or extreme response. In my opinion, it is a tempered response to a regrettable situation. Had the OP's partner alerted the mom to the situation and explained his plan for handling the situation, the mom might have felt that the dad was handling the situation in an appropriate manner.

Instead, the mom was left to be informed by the 9 year old, and none of know how much or how little the situation may have impacted the 9 year old.

Again, what parent does not take an interest in the kind of company that their 9 year olds keep. If your 9 year old had a friend who on a lark or in keeping with his character decided to shop lift in a candy store, I think that we would all agree that this was hardly a serious crime and more likely a childish prank. However, many of us might have reservations and concerns about our child being alone in a store in the company of said child. We would also be much more attentive to the interactions that our child would have with this child.

The mother is simply being attentive and trying to put safeguards in place. We say that the OP is doing the right thing by being attentive and putting proper safeguards in place with her daughter, but we castigate the 9 year old's mom for wanting to do the same.

I would imagine that the OP has alerted her daughter to avoid some of the girls involved in this incident.

@Tiredoftattler Sorry, but that all screams of not staying in your lane. I can think of what feels like one hundred examples of you on threads on here arguing emphatically in response to people saying "why wouldn't I take an interest in x" that it is controlling and invasive to do so. I agree that it is natural for her to be interested in this, but you are exercising in enormous double standards here if you think that interest is the lone example on this forum that makes interference/involvement justified.

And as an aside - simply requesting they move bedrooms is not a casual, non-invasive thing to do, it is actually a highly invasive thing to suggest to another household. Especially by your standards.

@aSofaNearYou
I expressed my opinion on this situation. My opinion is just my opinion. I do not expect my opinion to be accepted or thought of as some kind of universal standard.

I fully acknowledge that I could be wrong in my thinking and you could be absolutely right or we could both be very wrong We are only stating opinions The OP will read and accept or discard at will.

There is no prize or award for the best opinion and the OP probably benefits from reading a variety of thoughts and perspectives.

Perhaps , I am capable of flexible thinking governed by the fact pattern in a given situation as opposed to being absolutely inflexible in my thinking. I certainly hope so.

In any case, it hardly matters what either of us think as neither of us will suffer the impact from this situation. We are only 2 of multiple responders providing their thoughts. It should not be so difficult to read differing opinions. Is there only one allowed line of thought or one acceptable point of view?

I have no Oracle and neither do you or anyone else expressing a point of view.

Perhaps , I am capable of flexible thinking governed by the fact pattern in a given situation as opposed to being absolutely inflexible in my thinking. I certainly hope so.

My point is you are exhibiting the opposite of this. It is always "mind your own business, don't get involved", unless it is the parent, in which case it is not at all controlling to be very involved. I think you are simply predisposed to present a situation where the two parents are heavily involved with with each other's business, while any partners happily have no involvement whatsoever in their partner's affairs (lest they be deemed invasive and controlling), as the only correct way to be.That is the prerogative for many posters on here, but you are the only one that consistently dresses it up as something balanced and unbiased.

@aSofaNearYou
Tbh, I think 2_parents should be heavily involved as relates to their children. I think that the heavy decision making should be theirs and theirs alone. I don't think that a marriage license or a committed relationship gives you standing in a parenting relationship. I think marriage or a committed relationship gives you a supportive observer status as relates to the relationship with children that are not yours.

I think many people make assumptions about what they are entitled to in a relationship without ever confirming that their partner shares that point of view. They then complain about being disrespected
or marginalized in a relationship that has never reached a point of mutual agreement on most of the important issues.

Often you have 2 people living together or dating each with 2 totally different perspectives and expectations, and 1 of them complaining that the other is not following the relationship " rules."

They can't stay in their lane because there has been no real agreement on lanes, goals, or even the actual status of the relationship. It is much like trying to build a house together without a blue print or design. It is just activity without a common goal or purpose .

[quote Tiredoftattler]@aSofaNearYou
Tbh, I think 2_parents should be heavily involved as relates to their children. I think that the heavy decision making should be theirs and theirs alone. I don't think that a marriage license or a committed relationship gives you standing in a parenting relationship. I think marriage or a committed relationship gives you a supportive observer status as relates to the relationship with children that are not yours.

I think many people make assumptions about what they are entitled to in a relationship without ever confirming that their partner shares that point of view. They then complain about being disrespected
or marginalized in a relationship that has never reached a point of mutual agreement on most of the important issues.

Often you have 2 people living together or dating each with 2 totally different perspectives and expectations, and 1 of them complaining that the other is not following the relationship " rules."

They can't stay in their lane because there has been no real agreement on lanes, goals, or even the actual status of the relationship. It is much like trying to build a house together without a blue print or design. It is just activity without a common goal or purpose .[/quote]
God you're so condescending.

@ihavenowords30

I disagree she has no business being involved unless it was your SD on the other end of that bullying, which I'm sure by what you have said is not an issue at all. Your kids are allowed to grow up ana make mistakes without being vilified by another adult

I agree with this. If your daughter was bullying her daughter that's one thing but I think this is absolutely nothing to do with her and you were under absolutely no obligation whatsoever to tell her.

Your child got in trouble at school as lots do, you dealt with it as her parent and she has been disciplined. No one elses business. Certainly not your partners ex.

@Tiredoftattler I know you think parents should be heavily involved with one another. You make that very clear across all your comments. You favour a set up where the parents are heavily involved with each other in raising their joint kids, and any partners they have lead largely seperate lives and are perfectly happy with that as they also have the same set up with their own ex and children. Ie, your set up.

What I find extremely hypocritical about your attitude is that you consistently feel the need to patronize anyone that wants or expects to be involved in anything related to their partners, as if that very interest in something that does not relate solely to themselves makes them controlling, insecure, desperate to change their partner when people cannot and should not change. As another poster said, this is all extremely condescending, but more to the point, if it were genuinely the case when it comes to relationships in general, then you would recognise that the parents being "heavily involved" in the way you describe, and the way you are advocating in OPs situation, is equally controlling and insecure. She should have total faith that he can handle the situation by himself and understand that he will not change his view about how the situation should be handled to suit hers, and she would be extremely controlling to think he should. They just want different things and neither of them are wrong and should be expected to change. BY YOUR OWN LOGIC that you spout on literally EVERY thread you comment on.

If you don't genuinely believe that involving yourself in the actions of others is all of these things, and just want romantic relationships, specifically, to be low maintenance and low involvement, so that parenting relationships can be high maintenance and involvement, then fine, you would be like many of the other posters on this forum. But call a spade a spade. At the moment, posters are bearing the brunt of your repeated condescension about their need to manage their core relationships in a way that is mutually beneficial, when in fact you are being extremely hypocritical as you want exactly the same thing for yourself. You just consider a different relationship to be core.

@aSofaNearYou
No one bears the brunt of a opinion posted on an open forum .Nor one of us has the ability to change the life of anyone by stating our opinions.

If simple or even repeated statements had the ability to force a change. All of the OPs could solve their own problems by simply stating their opinions to the offending parties. Would that life functioned in so simplistic a manner.

[quote Tiredoftattler]@aSofaNearYou
No one bears the brunt of a opinion posted on an open forum .Nor one of us has the ability to change the life of anyone by stating our opinions.

If simple or even repeated statements had the ability to force a change. All of the OPs could solve their own problems by simply stating their opinions to the offending parties. Would that life functioned in so simplistic a manner.[/quote]
Oh Jesus Christ, do you ever say anything other than this and actually address what people are saying to you? OBVIOUSLY us stating our opinions doesn't force any change. Just like the mum in this case stating her opinion should not result in any change. Right?