Do you spend time as a family without SM SF?

[MatWalker]

Hello everyone, looking for a general poll of answers so I know how much to keep trying with a conversation with the father of my child . We were only in a relationship for a brief period of time when I found out I was pregnant and by that time things had ended (no hard feelings) and we both moved on, I have stayed on my own but he is in a relationship with another woman who is amazing and so good with our DC.
Our DC is 2 now and I have wanted us all to spend time together to show DC that we're happy, we're friends and that DC has one big family who loves them.
The father is now not working whilst he looks for another contract and offered to have DC more in the meantime. I have suggested the two of us take DC out on my non-working days to spend time as a family. He does not want to do this which I think is a real shame for our DC who is missing out on time with both parents together which should make DC feel secure and happy?
Do other separated parents without any acrimony in the split have family days out together?

@dragoncena

I would have loved this growing up. Not because I thought my parents were going to get back together, but because as you say OP, it demonstrates that you can all be a united front and that can only be good for children. I really don't know why people say these situations are confusing, unless Mummy and Daddy are having a snog on these days out it is perfectly comprehend able to a child that they can still be in the same vicinity but not together.

I imagine it depends on the child on their age. Obviously it would be nice if my DSSs parents could be around each other without him hoping this, but the reality is that he did. With all the best intentions, the experience of many is that it simply does confuse them. Whilst young they are still forming their idea of what a romantic relationship even is, what a family is etc. They often get confused.

I would much prefer a nicer atmosphere between both sets of parents for the kids because a it's very awkward for them at events / parents evening / sports day/ awards ceremony as either one set doesn't go or if both attend we do not speak at all so they wander to and fro between us both.
Parents evening are the worst as my mum and my DH both attend ana go round together without even making eye contact 🙈

Tbh OP, I don't really see why this would be good for your son - it's just giving him a taste of something that he doesn't have and never will. It creates confusion and has the potential to upset him.

I am an SM and I wouldn't be happy for my partner to do this with his ex. He does attend things like schools plays and sports days with her, and at pick ups/drop offs the kids see them getting on fine so they know their parents aren't at war.

I do think it's important, where possible, for children to see parents and step-parents getting along/being civil, but not for the parents to do things at the exclusion of the SP when one parent is in a serious relationship.

But days out as a 'family'?? Tbh my DP and his ex wouldn't even want to do this with each other really.

@dragoncena

I would have loved this growing up. Not because I thought my parents were going to get back together, but because as you say OP, it demonstrates that you can all be a united front and that can only be good for children. I really don't know why people say these situations are confusing, unless Mummy and Daddy are having a snog on these days out it is perfectly comprehend able to a child that they can still be in the same vicinity but not together.

See in my experience, it genuinely can be upsetting and confusing for a young child.

My DP's ex moved far away and as a result when the children have a birthday party/sports event to attend he goes up and stays in their house, and their mum goes and stays with her parents round the corner but might come back to sort bits out during the day while DP takes the kids out etc. On a few occasions, my SD (7) has got upset - to the point of tears - after DP leaves to come home because it has been so nice for her to have both parents under the same roof, however fleetingly.

SD has never experienced that in her life until these occasions, and I'd say that she never needed to experience that loss to this extent because her parents split when she was one. So in my experience it definitely has caused confusion and pain for her.

She has seen her mum and DP, and her mum, DP and me all chat together in a friendly manner on a number of occasions so knows everything is OK. To me, I think that's enough. Because unfortunately both she and her brother will never again be in a position where their parents are together, and to me, giving them a small taste of it but then snatching it away again is harsh.

@dragoncena

I would have loved this growing up. Not because I thought my parents were going to get back together, but because as you say OP, it demonstrates that you can all be a united front and that can only be good for children. I really don't know why people say these situations are confusing, unless Mummy and Daddy are having a snog on these days out it is perfectly comprehend able to a child that they can still be in the same vicinity but not together.

Also think it changes things if one parent has a new partner in the picture as it may lead the child to think that it's the new partner's fault that they can't have mummy and daddy together at the same time, since they only get that when new partner isn't around.

@dragoncena

I would have loved this growing up. Not because I thought my parents were going to get back together, but because as you say OP, it demonstrates that you can all be a united front and that can only be good for children. I really don't know why people say these situations are confusing, unless Mummy and Daddy are having a snog on these days out it is perfectly comprehend able to a child that they can still be in the same vicinity but not together.

I think it inevitably leads to the kids wishing that their parents new partners weren't in the picture because in a child's mind if they weren't with their new partners then they would be with each other.

ForThePurposeOfTheTape, exactly! It creates the idea that the child can have their parents 'together' when the new partner isn't around.

But you're NOT "one big family", and it's unfair to your child and everyone else to pretend that you are. You're two separate families, and your child is a member of both. That's the reality of divorce and re-marriage.

I think it would be kinder to your child for you to get your head around the fact that the two families are separate now - you're going to need to support your child in his feelings about straddling two households as he grows up, and you won't be very good at that if you yourself are clinging to the "one big family" idea. However you slice it, divorce and remarriage etc is tough on developing children and it's vital that there are clear boundaries so that relationships don't become more fraught than they need to be. Your ex doesn't want that, I imagine the last thing he wants is "family days out" with his ex and without his partner there, and I don't blame him.

I do know one couple who do it for birthdays and visiting Santa each year. Its a big occasion visiting Santa so both go. That's it. But as the couple haven't been together since the little one was very young they both struggle a bit as to how each one deals with situations. How they parent. Overall they enjoy both days but it's about all they could manage. They are very friendly at pick ups etc and very amiable around decisions to be made. Their dc seems very contented.

OP, I promise this is meant kindly... if you have been single all of DC's life, I am wondering if you are yearning for family time. I think the majority consensus here is this idea isn't actually best for DC, plus your ex doesn't want it and I'm sure his gf wouldn't!

But do you have enough company/support and could days out idea work with a family member or friend, if not? Please do ignore if not helpful...

I think in reality though most children do wish that their parent's partner wasn't around! As nice as they may be it isn't their other parent, and I think most children certainly wouldn't choose to live between two households.

But you’re not a family. It doesn’t sound like you were ever a family. If you want to be a family with the father of your child you have to be in a long term relationship with them. I’m completely baffled as to why you’re implicating your ex’s new girlfriend in this!

I think in reality though most children do wish that their parent's partner wasn't around! As nice as they may be it isn't their other parent, and I think most children certainly wouldn't choose to live between two households.

I don’t think it’s the new partner they begrudge (or it shouldn’t be) but I agree most children would prefer not to live between two households. The new partner doesn’t really have much to do with that, likelihood is that their parents wouldn’t be together whether or not they had met someone else. I’d like to think most SP make a real effort for SC regardless of their feelings towards the situation.

I think meeting up to play happy families gives the child the wrong message. It shows that child that they are the family and new partner is an outsiders, which probably will cause resentment.

The reality is that the child’s parents are separated. While it’s probably not what you’d choose, it’s not going to change and pretending otherwise isn’t going to change that but instead add confusion.

I have to be honest OP this seems like a straight up example of you trying to dictate what your ex's boundaries should be which is an issue that comes up on this forum time and time again.

You have suggested something and your ex said no and instead of respecting that you are canvassing opinions in the hopes that we all tell you he is wrong instead of respecting this. Why is this?