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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Do you spend time as a family without SM SF?

39 replies

MatWalker · 27/04/2021 16:18

Hello everyone, looking for a general poll of answers so I know how much to keep trying with a conversation with the father of my child . We were only in a relationship for a brief period of time when I found out I was pregnant and by that time things had ended (no hard feelings) and we both moved on, I have stayed on my own but he is in a relationship with another woman who is amazing and so good with our DC.
Our DC is 2 now and I have wanted us all to spend time together to show DC that we're happy, we're friends and that DC has one big family who loves them.
The father is now not working whilst he looks for another contract and offered to have DC more in the meantime. I have suggested the two of us take DC out on my non-working days to spend time as a family. He does not want to do this which I think is a real shame for our DC who is missing out on time with both parents together which should make DC feel secure and happy?
Do other separated parents without any acrimony in the split have family days out together?

OP posts:

Love51 · 27/04/2021 16:25

It doesn't matter what we do. If he doesn't want to, he doesn't have to.

Abbycrocker · 27/04/2021 16:42

Even if my OH and his ex were friendly, I don’t think he would go for it. I don’t think I’d want to either tbh. I can imagine it may be slightly confusing for the child as well? You can still exhibit a friendly co parenting relationship without having to actually go on ‘family’ days out together.

RedMarauder · 27/04/2021 16:42

You forget you are only both in touch with each other because you have a joint child and that's why he's cordial to you. It doesn't mean he wants your friendship to go any further.

Lots of separated parents are like this in rl. They are cordial and tolerate each other for the sake of their joint child(ren) but don't spend time together unless it is a significant celebration like a wedding.

RedMarauder · 27/04/2021 16:43

I should add my own parents got to this stage and plenty of my friends' parents are like this even decades later.

namechange30455 · 27/04/2021 16:51

I think it's bizarre that you've put this in stepparenting tbh OP. It's nothing to do with your DC's stepmum? You seem to think that if he wasn't in a relationship with her, your DCs dad would be happy to go on "family days out" with you? Why do you think it's her that has a problem with it - has he said so?

I would be perfectly happy for DP to go on days out with his ex and DC, if he thought it was sensible. But 1) he doesn't, because it would confuse them, and 2) although he is friendly for the sake of the kids he would not want to spend a day with her unless he really had to

ZombeaArthur · 27/04/2021 17:00

My parents did this from time to time when I was growing up and, although I enjoyed it at the time, looking back I think it was quite confusing. The reality was that my parents were divorced and no amount of days out would change that. As an adult it feels quite disrespectful to my stepmother too.

aSofaNearYou · 27/04/2021 17:17

Well I'm the SM in this set up, but my partner and his ex have never done this.

I can see your argument that it would be good for them and it perhaps would for some, but anecdotally I can say that in the early(ish) days of their split, all my DP and his ex being around each other did for DSS was give him hope they would get back together and prolong his sadness about the situation when they were dashed.

And regardless of that, if your ex doesn't want that sort of relationship then you have to accept it isn't going to happen.

NicolaDunsire · 27/04/2021 17:21

Even the super amicable blended families I know only get together for birthdays.

Magda72 · 27/04/2021 17:44

No & in my honest opinion it's a really bad idea & very confusing for children. At the end of the day you're not a family so why pretend to be one.
My dc were 4, 7 & 13 when exh & I split. For about a year we tried to do birthdays & Christmas together 'for the sake of the kids'. Our eldest actually asked us to stop - said it was fake & cringey & made him & his younger brother very uncomfortable. It was also confusing our youngest who struggled then when her df had to go home to his partner - she couldn't understand it.
Your ds's reality is he has two families - there's nothing wrong with that & he's not missing out on anything.
Fwiw my exh, his dw & I are very amicable & can do school stuff & graduations etc. very easily - but we do so as two very distinct units.

Thisnamewasnttaken123 · 27/04/2021 17:46

I don't think it's common.
My friend did it for a little while and it just confused the child, she stopped doing it.
I can see why he said no, it's good to have boundaries there.
I think you should just accept his decision and not push and be respectful of his boundaries in as far as your relationship goes.

Tigertealeaves · 27/04/2021 18:46

Agree 100% with Magda72. It isn't a family day out. He has a family life with his partner.

I can only see it creating confusion for the DC and maybe resentment of the SM as well...

grecianurn82 · 27/04/2021 19:04

I agree it would be confusing for your child, i say this as a parent who has separated from my childrens father. We would never do days out together.

takemetothelakes · 27/04/2021 19:15

There's absolutely no reason to do this and confusing for the child.
I wouldn't have wanted this as a child after my parents divorced and we'd lived as a family. Your child hasn't.

lunar1 · 27/04/2021 19:24

My friend does this and it works really well. The difference is that the step parents are also part of it. The child knows that they have two homes, who sometimes do things together. There is absolutely no bad feelings on any side.

They truly put the child first, parents evenings, school plays etc are a combination of whichever parents or stepparents are free.

What you want to do, having a family day out but without step parents gives the impression of something that will never exist. It could also lead your child to resent his stepmum as she would appear to be the obstacle stopping these special days being the normal.

user648482729 · 27/04/2021 19:39

I can see why you think it’d be nice for your DD but my DH just wouldnt want to spend a day with his DDs mum; when he sees his DD he just wants to spend time with her and it’s normally the 3 of us doing things.

Trixie78 · 27/04/2021 20:09

You're not a family though are you? You and your ex are members of your daughter's family but the 3 of you together are not a family. It would be a wierd and confusing thing to do really.

bogoffmda · 27/04/2021 21:59

OP - as your DC gets older the sort of arrangement you are looking for canexist with caveats.

We have always done b days together and now older very couple of months, EX and I take the DCS out for a meal. They get to discuss family issues plans, etc with both parents present and not have to repeat themselves. Also behaviour issues in either house are up for discussion and we both say the same re discipline and behaviours- no playing one house off against another.

We also all go out with our new DPs and DCS, SDCs etc - it works for us and the DCS know we talk, get on and they can not play us off against each other. Has taken a while.

Playing happy families on days out unless new DPS involved - not happening.

sassbott · 27/04/2021 22:56

Nope. Super amicable with my exh. Children know that/ see that.
Children are thriving within our boundaried but separate relationship. Days out with their dad and I? Would just be cruel actually, and quite confusing.

The only thing that would make this acceptable is if his partner wished to join you. And bluntly? I’m not sure many people would. It’s a bit much.

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/04/2021 23:01

You’re a family with your DC. He’s a family with his partner and DC. You and your ex aren’t a family. It would be confusing for your DC who can benefit from amicable parents who each care for them without blurred boundaries.

Do you have feelings for your ex?

Tiredoftattler · 27/04/2021 23:54

OP, you are family to your daughter. Your ex is family to your daughter.
You and your ex are your daughter's family. You do not have any familial relationship with your ex. And personally, I think it is far more confusing to a child for mom or dad to introduce a partner as a step parent than it is for a child to see divorced parents spending pleasant and agreeable time together. My neighbor has had 3 live- in partners since has divorce 7 years ago , and each of these women have held themselves out to be his kids' step mothers. He was not married to any of these all very pleasant women. I often wondered what his kids believed to be the definition of step mother and how they would ultimately define family?

I attended a wedding recently, where the wife of the father of the bride was not included in the bridal family picture, and she rather loudly announced that she did not come to this event to see her husband play "happy family" with his ex. The bride in turn pointed out that they were not playing happy family but instead were playing "happy parents."

I guess that it is important to be clear in one' understanding of family structure and composition from infancy to adulthood as the definition and structure of family seems to be very fluid concepts.

LifeIsAboutToBeGin · 28/04/2021 09:29

I do know a family that made this work...it took a lot of hard work and very understanding new partners.

Personally, as a once childless new partner to DH, I would have found this extremely difficult.

From the child’s point of view, I’d be worried about blurring boundaries. Children are really black and white and don’t understand relationships like an adult would, you could be opening yourself up to difficult handover when it wasn’t “family time together”.

SandyY2K · 29/04/2021 21:40

Given that you've not been a couple since you had the baby, I don't see the point in doing this. If you're both friendly towards each other as it is, you don't need to spend time together as a family, because you're really not a family in that sense.

CornishGem1975 · 30/04/2021 12:29

God no. I don't think it's normal at all. I am a 'step mum' and a 'mum' so I can see this from both sides. I am friends with my ex but neither of us has the desire to spend time together 'as a family' and also I think my DP would not be on board with that either! (Don't think I would be too receptive if he started doing that with his ex...)

ForThePurposeOfTheTape · 30/04/2021 19:41

Your ex is right. You will confusing the child and creating a fantasy that you hadn't divorced.

dragoncena · 04/05/2021 11:54

I would have loved this growing up. Not because I thought my parents were going to get back together, but because as you say OP, it demonstrates that you can all be a united front and that can only be good for children.
I really don't know why people say these situations are confusing, unless Mummy and Daddy are having a snog on these days out it is perfectly comprehend able to a child that they can still be in the same vicinity but not together.

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