Stepson

[Hardtimes123]

I have a 10 year old step son, who is always rude to me. His parents don’t have any rules or consequences. When I talk to my husband about it he does nothing about it or he will say I don’t have him often. It’s starting to annoy me now. He speaks to every one the same way, his parents, grand parents, friends. I feel a bit sorry for him as he starts secondary school in a few years. Any advice?

You can't change his behaviour if his parents aren't bothered.

You can tell him that if he doesn't talk to you in a polite manner you won't respond. Then don't respond until he is polite to you. However you do risk his father taking his side.

I hope you don't intend to have children with your husband as he is clearly content to have rude children.

If your DH won't step in then you will have to speak up for yourself. Don't engage with him if he is being rude and let him know why.

I agree with PPs. You have a right to not tolerate rudeness towards you. The parents can tolerate as much crap as they like but they have no right to make the decision that everyone else must tolerate it too.

You know you’re going to be the baddie, don’t you?
Id be very wary of committing to this man, especially if you want to have children. Different parenting styles are so hard to overcome.

Oh sorry, I see you said husband.
Well, the first time your stepson is rude, I would announce breezily that you will only respond when spoken to politely.
Then stick to it. Be prepared to be told you’re unkind and he’s only little etc.

This is a husband problem really. There is absolutely nothing you can do if your husband thinks it's fine for his son to be rude. Or is just too lazy to do anything about it. Nothing at all.

@FishyFriday

This is a husband problem really. There is absolutely nothing you can do if your husband thinks it's fine for his son to be rude. Or is just too lazy to do anything about it. Nothing at all.

I sort of disagree there is nothing you can do...

You absolutely can and should call it out yourself. You don't just have to sit there quietly and accept rudeness with a smile just because their parents won't call it out. They should obviously but if they won't then you absolutely can and should.

You can't go through life being rude to people and expecting them not to say anything. If my child was rude to anyone then I'd be quite happy for them to be called out. You don't need to be a parent.

But as per PP I suspect you will be portrayed as the bad guy by your husband and I'd not be able to be with someone who didn't support me. It's not on to sit back and allow your children to be rude to anyone.

Go out when he’s there

@DrFoo the problem is that you try to do anything or even say anything and many lazy fathers will decide you are The Bad Guy. It lets them pretend that you are the problem rather than their children's behaviour. They become very resentful because they don't want to have to do anything about their children's behaviour.

I am very familiar with this because it's exactly what happens in this house. Where I have had to instigate boundaries, it's just fuelled my H's tendency to project everything and to scapegoat me. It's shit.

OP, if your stepson speaks to everyone in the same manner and has never gotten negative feedback from anyone, perhaps others do nor necessarily view his responses as rude or they may simply have taken the stance that this is just the way that he responds.

You may be fighting a losing battle if everyone else in his environment either accepts or has made peace with his personality and manner of communication.

If you are the only one finding his behavior to be off putting, then maybe your solution should be to either minimize occasions were interaction is required or to pull him aside and discuss the responses that you feel to be rude.

You may get blow from the parents if no one else in his immediate or extended environment complains about or views his responses and behavior as rude.