Older DD ignored by DSDs & Ex in favour of half brother

[Rejoiningperson]

Anyone have experience of this one?

My DD lived with her step sisters for 5 years, they are all older than her, then they went to Uni. They got on fine but steps are a bit of ‘pack’ to themselves.

I had a child at the end of that time, their half brother, call him HB. DSDs weren’t that interested in HB. Since they’ve rarely been in touch with HB. Now I’ve split with Ex and he’s going over the top trying to create a relationship between them to the complete exclusion of his step daughter, my DD who he has cut off completely.

Ex for example buys birthday and Christmas presents for HB from his daughters (so HB opens these presents in front of DD who gets nothing), talking up the few interactions that they have with HB (your sister loves you, when that sister never comes to see him). HB is disabled but notices and asks why the sisters don’t speak to his DD.

I feel it’s quite damaging, divisive and makes DD like she’s been nothing to any of them. DD and her brother are both very close and live together. DD really made an effort for her step sisters at the time. I worry about the effects on DD.

I don’t know how to handle it. Asked Ex to be mindful about DD but he just gets really mad.

If your ex has completely cut off your daughter, how is she seeing these interactions? Is the ex still coming into your house?

As HB is his child the same as your Ex Stepdaughters it's no surprise tbh. Your relationship with him is over, so his link to your DD is over for him.

Your DD needs to understand that SDs are really not her relations and she shouldn't expect anything from him or them. How old is your DD?

Do, your DS is his biological child but your DD isn't?

Tbh if you've separated I don't think it's unusual that he is not maintaining a relationship with her. It's a shame for her, but I think it's kind of to be expected.

Presumably your DD sees her own dad?

Unfortunately I think there's no point telling your ex it's upsetting your daughter. He doesn't have any responsibility towards her and she is nothing to him and her stepsisters unless they want her to be. It is really sad for her.

You will just have to be honest and explain it to them both as calmly as you can. Maybe you could ask your son to be discrete about any presents etc if he brings them to your house? It seems odd that the half-sisters aren't buying the presents themselves if they are adults now.

DD knows because it is quite obvious from cards, presents, phone calls.

It is also doubly sad because Ex has an adopted child who is his step daughter, but not biologically his, and he goes on about how that makes him a really caring inclusive man. But just not DD then... who lived with him for 10 years, most of her childhood...

I do get that DD is not going to be treated the same. But never ever mentioned? Ignored? If Ex is around HB and DD he totally ignores her. Not eye contact, not hello, nothing. Same with the SDs now they will turn up and look straight past DD as DD smiles to say Hello. Not even Hello back. At the very least there should be acknowledgement.

This is like pretending she never, ever existed. It’s like she is wiped off the face of the earth. And I find it much worse that Ex is getting all of his daughters to make such a huge fuss of HB too. And I mean a huge fuss.

I find it all pretty horrible.

I fear that there is resentment from EX that it is DD and HB who have such a good, close relationship and without thinking they are taking it out on DD by being quite so unfriendly and excluding.

It is disgusting behaviour. At least DS is picking up on it though.

How often are they together when EX or stepsisters turn up? Is there a way you can reduces your DDs need to be in contact? You shouldn't have to but I was thinking say if you know DS is being picked up for contact could you encourage DD to go for a walk? Awful to even have to think of doing that though

I wouldn't have them near my house. Can you arrange another pick up point? And give specific times for phone calls when you know your DD won't be around?

What age is your DD and DS?

These gift giving meet ups need to happen without dd around... Explain to ds that dd isn't dh's dd and that's why she is treated differently.. But at home they are indeed db and dsis.. I have dc who's df used to send huge bags of sweets and treats while my younger dc didn't.. Tbh it does get easier and acceptable to the dc that things are not exactly the same for them. No rivalry betweem mine. Older ones went nc with ex anyway. No half sibling references ever. But if course they know the logistics.. Never mentioned.
Make sure you and dd have girlie times. Easier to explain to ds it Girls Time than dd some special time if she is feeling a bit rubbish about things right now..

Why do they all totally ignore her tonight the point they can't even say hello?

Was it an acrimonious split? As I can't understand why they'd be that bad and look through her.

Your ex and his DDs sound a right shower of cunts!
What a vile way to treat your DD, they lived together for years and now cut her dead, I’d not have them in my house.

Why do the ex DDs come to your house?

Can't he take DS out so her nose isn't getting rubbed in it?

Thanks so much, good advice. It does affect how I myself feel about SDs and about Ex. I have stopped being so inclusive myself (I used to tell them all about things HB did, send photos, invite them to things etc, not anymore).

I know we are separated but it has really divided the ‘camps’, where I now in defence am very protective of preserving the very good relationship DD and HB have. I also try make a fuss of DD sometimes just to balance out what must feel like rejection.

Split was acrimonious in that Ex was caught cheating, I tried after that to make it work (partly because HB has high needs) but I think Ex was still cheating (but no proof) and lied a lot to his family that I was controlling so there was a lot of ‘devaluing’ of me which might also have devalued DD. Although he’s a real sweetie and has not offended a soul.

Ex SDs don’t come to the house often at all. In fact they really don’t bother with seeing HB much at all.

Ex has in the past insisted on taking HB to them - but it often wasn’t appropriate as they live in their Mum’s house and she would play Mum with HB - and put photos of him on FB - and tell him weird stuff - and her home just wasnt’ safe enough so there were issues with accidents. He’s disabled and vulnerable so asked Ex if they could go to a cafe, park etc but his SDs cant’ be bothered. They don’t even like meeting up with their Dad much - he’s been ordered to get take away instead and told to go!

@Rejoiningperson

Ex SDs don’t come to the house often at all. In fact they really don’t bother with seeing HB much at all.

Ex has in the past insisted on taking HB to them - but it often wasn’t appropriate as they live in their Mum’s house and she would play Mum with HB - and put photos of him on FB - and tell him weird stuff - and her home just wasnt’ safe enough so there were issues with accidents. He’s disabled and vulnerable so asked Ex if they could go to a cafe, park etc but his SDs cant’ be bothered. They don’t even like meeting up with their Dad much - he’s been ordered to get take away instead and told to go!

You need to be honest to both of them about what they’re doing because eventually it will happen to the HB too. Both need to be prepared for what’s going on.

Honestly in my opinion? Any presents from dad have to be opened in front of his dad - the ex doesn’t get to drop them off at yours and if he does they stay unopened until he meets him again. Tell your DD not to feel she has to be polite to ex and his daughters - and role model this by calling out instances where she’s being ignored. A quick ‘DD said hi, don’t ignore her it’s rude’ is a good way to role model to your son that your dd deserves respect.

Spoil her on her birthdays and Christmas so the interactions are equal between her and HB, even if it means you buy her more / better presents.

I think he needs to give any presents etc... at his, not drop them off with you.

But I don't actually think it's all that surprising that he and his daughters have a relationship with his child and not his ex step child. You aren't with him anymore and sadly your daughter isn't his child, her brother is.

Surely you need to play a part in protecting your daughter by not letting any of these people near your house. It’s not your responsibility to facilitate their contact with your son. Your ex does that - away from your house. He has no responsibility towards your child just as you have none towards his.

This is so sad, what horrible people! I'm very glad you are away from that man relationship-wise.

My advise is to keep them and their nasty tricks as far away as possible. Presents get opened at dad's and contact or pick up is done outside of your house. You've tried your best to reason with him, he's being cruel for the sake of it and you have to protect your daughter.

I'm not surprised the steps don't want to spend time with their dad, he's a selfish manipulative user. Focus on building a happy supportive nest at home and your dd will feel no loss from missing out on stuff from them.

Agree he has no responsibility towards your daughter op. Do you buy his daughters bday and xmas gifts? Do you call them? Of course not.

Does DD not get gifts from her own dads side of the family.