DH being really pushy since we had our DC.

[OiYa]

I have two DSC who are lovely and we've always gotten on really well.

They are a bit older now (both late primary) and a transitioning into that pre teen stage of not really spending that much time doing lots of things with us, they prefer to do their own thing and speak with their friends in their bedrooms most of the time now, especially since lockdown as they weren't seeing friends at school.

Since me and DH had our baby (late last year), he's been really pushy with regards to me and DSC. It seems very much like a hint that I'm giving our DC too much attention and not enough to DSC if that makes sense?

So for example, I'll say 'im going to go to bed soon I think' and he will say something like 'make sure you go and say goodnight to DSC' (I always do when passing by their room anyway), or say things like 'will you go and speak to DSC, you've barely seen them today' when they have been in their rooms happily playing with their friends all day.

I think it's because he's worried about them feeling left out but I really don't think it's necessary. We still get on really well and they absolutely love their sibling, they just aren't that bothered about hanging out with us anymore (and weren't before baby was here either).

I just feel like he's constantly wanting me to prove that I still care if that makes sense?

@OiYa

I don't always feel able to bring stuff like this up with him no. He gets very defensive of anything to do with my DSC. Anything that could be perceived as even slightly negative toward them will be taken that way.

OP this is really unhealthy and you need to stand your ground rather than sweep it under the carpet. Especially considering your subsequent post about how much you do off your own back with regards his kids, if he has a poor attitude about any of it then he is majorly taking the piss. You need to start standing up for yourself, tell him he needs to lay off the nagging and if he gets defensive, tell him he is way over the line and it isn't acceptable.

I'm a bit shocked that late primary kids are in their rooms alone all day playing and chatting online. That sounds really unhealthy. His choice, clearly.

I think you should turn this around onto him, every time. Generally, it sounds as though he is aware they need more interaction but can't be bothered to do anything about it himself. You should have a proper conversation about that. In particular, each time he says something like this, you should say calmly that you have always done x, y, z and that hasn't changed. If he wants change, he needs to be the change he wants to see.

I suspect too that, especially since you have had a baby, his view of you has morphed into 'mother of the household', responsible for everything child-related and domestic. It's very, very common.

The thing is you don't need to be negative about the DCS at all. It's about him. He's letting them down.

Reading this OP, I reckon if you looked back before your baby arrived you might see that you shouldered more of the load with your SCs than you realised at the time.

Could it be that now you are busy looking after the baby your DP is having to pick up more of the care for his older kids and he doesn't like it? Maybe they did come downstairs a bit more when you weren't occupied or maybe you did more things together orchestrated by you, and now he's noticing the household interacting less?

Don't mistake me - this is totally on him. It just wouldn't surprise me if actually he's got the hump because you're now busy with your baby, leaving him responsible for managing his older children, as he should be.

I suspect you're right @Bibidy

Agree with @Bibidy and others voicing concern around how little he does and how much time they are on screens, given their young age,

You sounds totally genuine and consistent in your approach and I can understand why his constant comments are annoying. I think I would have ask why he feels the need to mention these things you haven’t stopped doing and see what he says.

He should definitely be getting them outside at weekends.

Who does the cooking and the majority of parenting of them when they are with you?

OP, there are a few questions.

1. what’s changed since the baby arrived? Have you been more consumed with the baby (and therefore less able to cater to his children?). Or has his wider behaviour changed because you now have a baby with him and are (for want of a better word) more ‘committed’ to the family situation?
2. if he and the SDC’s mum parent this way and think it’s healthy? There is nothing you can do. We have all let children hang out on devices a little more at this age during covid, for my Dc it was their only interaction with their friends. But now (as many others have said) things are reopening, the weather is getting better and sports etc have resumed. These kids need to be out / off devices. Bike rides/ day trips/ sports activities, something. But that’s on him to organise/ ensure happens, not on you.
3. don’t be cowed by him getting defensive and start to stand your ground/ raise this with him. Ask him why he’s suddenly started to make these comments and explain the impact it has on you.

These sorts of snarky / insidious comments are deeply irritating and won’t stop. Call him on in.

Think you are spot on there, Bibidy. SO common, too, for young women who are childfree to hook up with a man who has kids and take over a lot of his parenting duties. Sadly if you read the relationship boards it can often take a lot for a woman to end a marriage with the father of her children and all too frequently it's due to a sexist man who thinks donkey work in life is women's work.

I'd be pushing back on him big time and refusing to take over his parenting duties. He doesn't like it, tough.

I’d point out to him that if they constantly hear him telling you to do basics they may start assuming you now need to be told because you’re not bothered anymore. So, he’ll achieve the exact opposite of what he’s aiming for.

*basic manners

he doesn't want you to have that special bond with your own biological child that he allegedly has with his own - THAT is what is behind is patronising and infantilisng behaviour.

He seems to forget that this is his 3rd child and YOUR FIRST CHILD - and there is a BIG difference in that - and he needs to respect that whether he likes it or not.

Stand up for yourself and your baby OP - otherwise YOUR child will not be 'allowed' to have that close relationship with you that the SC enjoy with their own parents.

And if the SC are mostly in their rooms during contact time - he's hardly doing any parenting is he? Or spending quality time with them?
How much of the parenting/housework/baby stuff does he do currently with the baby? Can he even look after the baby on his own for a day and know where everything is and how to bathe/change/feed/enetertain/soothe?