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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

DH being really pushy since we had our DC.

36 replies

OiYa · 18/04/2021 11:14

I have two DSC who are lovely and we've always gotten on really well.

They are a bit older now (both late primary) and a transitioning into that pre teen stage of not really spending that much time doing lots of things with us, they prefer to do their own thing and speak with their friends in their bedrooms most of the time now, especially since lockdown as they weren't seeing friends at school.

Since me and DH had our baby (late last year), he's been really pushy with regards to me and DSC. It seems very much like a hint that I'm giving our DC too much attention and not enough to DSC if that makes sense?

So for example, I'll say 'im going to go to bed soon I think' and he will say something like 'make sure you go and say goodnight to DSC' (I always do when passing by their room anyway), or say things like 'will you go and speak to DSC, you've barely seen them today' when they have been in their rooms happily playing with their friends all day.

I think it's because he's worried about them feeling left out but I really don't think it's necessary. We still get on really well and they absolutely love their sibling, they just aren't that bothered about hanging out with us anymore (and weren't before baby was here either).

I just feel like he's constantly wanting me to prove that I still care if that makes sense?

OP posts:

osbertthesyrianhamster · 18/04/2021 11:16

Tell him to back off!

Milkshake7489 · 18/04/2021 11:19

I think it's good that he's conscious of how his older children might be feeling since the arrival of their new sibling. Can't you just talk to him about this?

Original poster

OiYa · 18/04/2021 11:22

@Milkshake7489

I think it's good that he's conscious of how his older children might be feeling since the arrival of their new sibling. Can't you just talk to him about this?

It is good yes, but it's always me he's nagging to do really unnecessary things (or things I already do!)

OP posts:

Mistressinthetulips · 18/04/2021 11:23

I've a dc that age who would play alone all day if we let him - and we sometimes do, but I'm aware it's not great parenting to do so! Children need points of contact with the adults in the house - they could be enticed down to watch a tv show, or make something, or play outside for a bit. Though should be their dad facilitating this. You don't say how often they're with you but if they come for the weekend and spend all the time alone, there's not much point in it is there?!
Could they do more with their new sibling, they sound old enough to be helpful.

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 18/04/2021 11:23

What does he do with them? Does he tell them good night every night? Does he go up to spend time with them if they've been holed up in their rooms? Does he organise any fun/family time like movies,board games etc?
Does he take them out for walks ,days out(when possible) , spends 1 to 1 time with them?

Original poster

OiYa · 18/04/2021 11:23

I don't always feel able to bring stuff like this up with him no. He gets very defensive of anything to do with my DSC. Anything that could be perceived as even slightly negative toward them will be taken that way.

OP posts:

Elieza · 18/04/2021 11:29

It’s nice he cares about making them feel included. Could this concern come from HIM feeling excluded due to you having to look after your baby? He feels excluded and doesn’t want you making his kids feel like that?

As a pp said, does he engage with all the kids and pull his weight? Or are you an unpaid babysitter while he is out at work and he comes home to expect a perfect family? Having made no effort himself to achieve this.

Do you all eat together at the table or anything that brings you all together, like family movie night on a Friday or whatever? Or would the older ones now not like that?

Terminallysleepdeprived · 18/04/2021 11:30

Shrug it off. He is probably getting grief from their mum about not leaving them out and as such is over compensating. It will die down.

My dsc's mum was a bloody nightmare when I had dd. She decided it was her news to tell not ours (we had already told the kids luckily) and was not thrilled when the kids were excited. One minute she was demanding the kids were involved I.e. through a huge hissy fit because we left them with their grandparents when we went for 20 week scan. Hospital policy is to not allow siblings just in case there are any problems so not our choice. Had we been allowed to take them they would have been there. They were the first people we told we were pregnant and they were the first people to be told we were having a baby girl. But then she through a fit because we involved them in name choices or pram selection.

Your dh is probably in an impossible position and trying (poorly) to please everyone.

Take a breath and a step back and look st it as him being an excellent dad to all the kids.

Original poster

OiYa · 18/04/2021 11:30

@Mistressinthetulips

I've a dc that age who would play alone all day if we let him - and we sometimes do, but I'm aware it's not great parenting to do so! Children need points of contact with the adults in the house - they could be enticed down to watch a tv show, or make something, or play outside for a bit. Though should be their dad facilitating this. You don't say how often they're with you but if they come for the weekend and spend all the time alone, there's not much point in it is there?! Could they do more with their new sibling, they sound old enough to be helpful.

They are here 50:50.

I agree they shouldn't be in their rooms all the time, I have tried to have this conversation as well in the past but neither DH or their Mum (they do the same there apparently) seem to think it's a problem so I've given up.

DH does go up and sit in there for a chat sometimes, I don't but then I never have, it's nothing to do with our DC, we have a chat and a laugh when they come down or when we all eat together etc... I don't feel the need to go and sit in their room to talk with them and I don't think they'd particularly want me to either when they are chatting to their friends!

Whenever we do days out its always me that arranges it.

I think that's why it bugs me so much, because I do make an effort, I always have done, I help in school holidays, I run them to and from school when their parents are stuck, I cook lovely meals for us all, arrange fun times out with them because DH never would etc..

They do come down the odd time and ask for a cuddle with baby but I don't expect them to help out with them. They love their sibling but babies aren't the most interesting things after a while to two older children who's friends are waiting on Minecraft upstairs for them 🤣 I just let them have as much involvement as they want to have.

OP posts:

ElderMillennial · 18/04/2021 11:32

I don't think it's necessary and for him to keep going on at you to make an effort is likely to cause more problems.

You need to all be able to relax and be natural.

Original poster

OiYa · 18/04/2021 11:34

@ElderMillennial

I don't think it's necessary and for him to keep going on at you to make an effort is likely to cause more problems.

You need to all be able to relax and be natural.

Exactly this is how I feel.

Genuinely I feel like nothing has changed in my interactions with DSC. And honestly nothing has changed in their interactions with me either. They seem perfectly happy, love their sibling but aren't all that interested because... It's a baby who doesn't really do anything yet which I don't think is that surprising and just prefer being left alone a bit more now. I admit I think they are probably left alone to play Xbox a bit too much but I struggle with what to do about that because it's not my choice at the end of the day. But none of this is since our DC was born, it's the same as it's been for a while now.

OP posts:

osbertthesyrianhamster · 18/04/2021 11:34

I cook lovely meals for us all, arrange fun times out with them because DH never would etc..

Why not? He gets pushy with you to parent his kids and yet defensive when you say anything he perceives as negative but has you doing donkey work? Why are these men so common?

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 18/04/2021 11:35

@OiYa I suspected that might be the case. He has some idea/insight of how things should be, but it must you who does it and fits around everyone else. Fuck that.

If he actually cared about his kids feelings he'd put the effort in not delegate the work to you.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 18/04/2021 11:36

[quote AccidentallyOnPurpose]@OiYa I suspected that might be the case. He has some idea/insight of how things should be, but it must you who does it and fits around everyone else. Fuck that.

If he actually cared about his kids feelings he'd put the effort in not delegate the work to you.[/quote]
Yep.

Carbara · 18/04/2021 11:39

Wow, he doesn’t bother taking his kids out or doing anything with them? What a shit father. At least now you know what to expect with your kid in the future. Don’t allow him to make digs at you, shut that down completely.

Mistressinthetulips · 18/04/2021 11:44

With better weather it's perfect for walks, bike rides, is there a zoo or a trampoline place open near you? Children that age will want to spend a lot of time gaming, I'm not suggesting a constant round of activity but at least one thing planned per weekend to get them away from their room. Old enough to bake too.
If your dh is being pushing about your interactions, maybe you need to turn it back to him - when are you taking the girls out? Etc

ContessaVerde · 18/04/2021 11:52

This is a massive problem. It will rot away your relationship if you don’t find ways to communicate.

The DSC stuff is not the problem. The problem is that you guys can’t talk to each other.

KoalaOok · 18/04/2021 13:17

If he has 50:50 contact then there's no need to make a special effort when they are with you. They aren't special visitors. Also the contact time is for him and his children.

Tiredoftattler · 18/04/2021 14:50

OP, you should tell your husband how you feel about his constant reminders and then let it go. You should then view his constant reminders as unnecessary PSAs.

Perhaps, he is feeling insecure about his own parenting and is deflecting his insecurities on to you. There is little that you can do if that is the case.

It seems as though you have a positive relationship with the children that is not broken and there is nothing to be fixed.

GrumpyHoonMain · 19/04/2021 07:59

Keep reminding him they aren’t your kids and not here to see you. Rinse and repeat

Quincie · 19/04/2021 08:05

Suggest you all do something together each day as you are losing touch. I'm sure this would go down as a lead balloon but not seeing your DCs as they are in their bedroom doesn't sound v healthy for them or the DPs.
So let the DCs decide - half an hour of monopoly, walk to the park, teach them poker??, something each day or at least every weekend. You might find you enjoy it.
Obviously DH too - hopefully it's something he hates

Fireflygal · 19/04/2021 08:26

I think you need to push back. Tell him you don't need prompts how to manage the relationship , ask him if he is worried.

My concern is that he has decided he is the boss of the house (especially since you've had a baby so commited) and can dictate what you do.

SandyY2K · 19/04/2021 08:38

It's a problem that you're not able to communicate his you feel about it to him.

You should be able to say something like, I've noticed since we had DC you tell me to do x any y with DSC...I've never stopped doing these things. I just think the kids are at that age they like to be of their own. As you know I'm the one who has always arranged days out for all of us and made the effort, so I do find it somewhat [insert your feelings here] as I'm getting the impression you think I'm excluding or ignoring SC and that's not the case. That's not something I would do, so you don't need to worry about that.

CherryDocsInYrBalls · 19/04/2021 08:47

Nagging you to do unnecessary things while he sits on his arse and doesn't do the necessary things? He's got himself a nice little set up, 50/50 but probably doing less than 10% of the actual parenting work. What would he do if you weren't there running them around, cooking lovely meals and planning days out? Entitled men like this everywhere, and if I were you I'd be having a think if this is what I wanted.

Youseethethingis · 19/04/2021 09:02

My DH and I generally a very good team but occasionally he slips into a sort of default setting Man Bubble.
He will ask “have you done” or “can you do” or “why haven’t you” when he’s watched me running around like a blue arsed fly.
I hold a mirror up to him and say “have you?” “Can you do it if you really really try?” or “why haven’t you?”
It’s hard to argue with that because if he’d shift his arse and do his fucking share then he wouldn’t have to ask in the first place.
Thankfully this is pretty rare and to be perfectly honest I’d divorce him if he was like it normally.
Anyway, maybe hold a mirror up to your DH the same way? No need to get into any sort of conversation about it.
“Go talk to my kids” “why don’t you go talk to your kids” and walk away.
Whatever you do, don’t pander to him. You’ve got a nice relationship with the kids it seems so I wouldn’t be suddenly changing to appease him and his insecurities.

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