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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Unappreciated step parent

41 replies

GiorgiaSoph · 16/04/2021 21:46

Needing some advice.

I'm in my 20's and have been with my partner for nearly 10 years. He has a teenage daughter (14). I have gradually taken on most of the jobs around the house over the last 10 years, including cleaning before his daughter coming round, all the washing and cooking, shopping etc.
I don't think (apart from the odd dishwasher/living room tidy up), he's ever cleaned or tidied anything without being directly asked.
I work full time, as does he, and I help him with his business too. His job is extremely labour intensive though.
I feel totally unappreciated for all I do, especially when it comes to his child, when I have purposefully not had any children of my own when I wasn't ready for the responsibility.
Every time I say this to him he says I should have known what I was getting myself into when I met him and his daughter.
I think this is unfair but struggle to make him understand.

I can't not cook nice food and have a clean house (especially when his daughter is here), but struggle with the mental load of it when it's not appreciated.

Advice please??

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 16/04/2021 21:55

I have gradually taken on most of the jobs around the house over the last 10 years, including cleaning before his daughter coming round

Why doesa special cleaning need doing whensge comesand why can't he be part of the cleaning process.

all the washing and cooking, shopping etc.

You need some balance here.

Is his daughter actually creating a lot of work for you? As it sounds like he's just very lazy around the house and you'd have these issues without her existence.

How often is she there?

Tiredoftattler · 16/04/2021 22:58

Why should his daughter appreciate the fact that her father provides her with a clean home and cooked food? Those are basic things that all children should be able to expect from their parent.

The person who should show appreciation is her father if you are doing all of the chores and at the same time contributing your fair share to the household expenses.

If he carries the larger share of the household expenses, he may consider cooking or cleaning to be an in kind contribution.

Hopefully, you are in your late 20s. If not, you have wasted some of what should have been another the best years of your life doing his drudge work.

katy1213 · 16/04/2021 23:36

I shouldn't think most 14-year-old girls would notice whether you've cleaned or not.
But stop. Let him clean her room if he wants it clean. (Or better still, let her clean it herself.) And let him doing the shopping/cooking for all that nice food. Otherwise, you're either making an omelette for one or you've booked a table in the pub.
It's not your responsibility to make sure his daughter has a good time, or to facilitate his relationship with her. You're the one who's childfree! He should have realised that when he got together with you!

excelledyourself · 16/04/2021 23:56

I read it the partner doesn't appreciate what OP does.

OP, put your foot down. Even if there was no DSD, he should still be doing an equal share of the household chores. The fact he has a child just means he should be doing more. And his DD should be taking a turn also. The two of them going for he shopping will get it done quicker than just you!

How often is she there?

Aquamarine1029 · 16/04/2021 23:58

Run for your life and find a man without children. You're too young to waste your life on this.

LouiseTrees · 17/04/2021 00:06

@Aquamarine1029

Run for your life and find a man without children. You're too young to waste your life on this.
The issue isn’t this guy has children it’s that he thinks a women should do all the housework, all the mental load and all the parenting. It’s a him problem not an all men problem. I agree though leave him.
mrwalkensir · 17/04/2021 00:15

So you both work full time, but you also do all the home stuff. Then he tells you it's your fault as when (as a teenager) you met him, you "knew" what you were taking on. Unless you can really give him a massive kick up the bum and he'll get the message, you need to get out. He's getting everything he wants and you're getting nothing...

MrsTerryPratchett · 17/04/2021 00:21

So a bloke with a child picked up a teenager to do his shit work.

You're older now so you can't make different choices.

Tinty · 17/04/2021 01:06

You're older now so you can make different choices. I think that is what the previous poster meant to say.

I can tell you for certain that the older you get the more you will resent doing everything, and if you have dc with him you will run yourself ragged for a man who doesn’t care, because you knew what you were getting into!.

Get out now Op whilst you are still young.

MrsTerryPratchett · 17/04/2021 01:16

I did @Tinty

Thanks!

HollowTalk · 17/04/2021 01:24

You are in your twenties and in the prime of your life. Why on earth are you spending your precious life with this man?

ExitChasedByAnImposter · 17/04/2021 01:25

Do you think if he gave positive words of affirmation, this would somehow make the mental load and actual physical workload any easier? I highly doubt it. There doesn’t seem to be much of a team effort. There should be some kind chore chart so he does his fair share. Fair enough, his job is labour intensive, but this doesn’t mean you have to tell him to do each and everything. That must be exhausting and eventually it will lead to harbouring resentments towards each other - him because he expects you to do it and you’re somehow supposed to have known what you were getting yourself into when you met him and his daughter and you because you’re pretty much holding down the fort here.

I’m not sure how old you were when you got together but clearly there seems to be a significant age gap if he already has a 14 year old and you are still in your 20s. You didn’t say mid or late or early so I have no idea how old you are. Suffice to say, regardless of your age or the age gap, there is a huge discrepancy on the amount of effort you are putting than what you are receiving in return.

You already work full time and you help him with his business and your doing pretty much all the legwork. What are you really getting out of return?

Don’t waste your youth on something that will never change. If it hasn’t changed before, it certainly won’t now seeing as it’s close to a decade. Who knows the thought of losing you, might be the kick he really needs to appreciate what you are doing but then again do you really need to do that for someone to be appreciative? Just ask yourself if you can see yourself doing the same for another decade? But this time with kids to take care of added on to everything else.

DinoHat · 17/04/2021 07:44

Start centering the workload around yourself. You like a clean house so clean, but leave DSD’s and DH’s washing to them.

Your DH’s statement that you knew he has a daughter is pretty irrelevant to the shared load in the house.

aSofaNearYou · 17/04/2021 08:30

You "knew what you were getting into" as a teenager?? How old is he? Run a million miles away OP, he sounds like a creep, and an absolutely misogynist POS. You can do so much better than this set up.

Baileyshotchocolate · 17/04/2021 08:39

Make him pay for a cleaner, I got sick of DP working long hours and not helping out or can you bribe DC with pocket money for chores?

I’m also in the exact same position as you and currently questioning if I should continue with the relationship.

Sending hugs as I know it’s a hard situation to be in 💐

Mumbo1234 · 17/04/2021 08:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

rookiemere · 17/04/2021 08:47

You're very young and you'd be much better finding someone younger without their own DCs.
In the interim start pulling back. Don't tidy up for SD being there, stop doing so much. Don't expect SD to notice - teens aren't overly appreciative- and tbh it's on your DP to thank and notice not a teen.

Original poster
GiorgiaSoph · 17/04/2021 10:34

Thanks all for the responses!

I'd like to confirm that I was certainly not referring to the teenager being grateful for the tidying/shopping etc, of course not! I would never expect that. It's more my other half expecting it all and never appreciating it.

Thanks for all your advice, I'll try and give him a kick up the bum and see what happens

OP posts:
OmniversalSpecies2021 · 21/04/2021 12:58

he chose you to be his unpaid childcare, cook, cleaner and a free shag - TO YOUR OWN DETRIMENT and YOU have consciously chosen to allow this to happen to you!

Are you seriously that desperate for a man that you would allow one to walk all over you?!!!!
Just as well that you haven't had any children with him - he's hardly parent material just cos he knows how to shoot his load.

OmniversalSpecies2021 · 21/04/2021 12:59

and a skivvy to help him in his business - unpaid......the mind boggles...........

CorianderBee · 21/04/2021 13:06

10 years and you're in your 20s and he has a 14yo? How old were you both when you met?

Sounds like he's using you as a skivvy.

dorris88 · 21/04/2021 14:46

@OmniversalSpecies2021 you are so rude LOL

I cant even believe you wasted that time in your life to write such an unhelpful, unnecessary and belittling response.

I think you need a shag Daffodil

dorris88 · 21/04/2021 14:49

OP I do think you possess a man who has very arrogant mindset because they earn a decent wage. My dad was very much like this with my mum, in fact the scenario is so similar instead my mum was silly enough to have me (lol) with him.

He will never change. You are young enough to find better. Please do Flowers

Guavafish · 21/04/2021 14:51

Can you get a cleaner and ask you partner to pay for one every fortnight?

RedMarauder · 21/04/2021 15:13

@aSofaNearYou

You "knew what you were getting into" as a teenager?? How old is he? Run a million miles away OP, he sounds like a creep, and an absolutely misogynist POS. You can do so much better than this set up.
This with bells and whistles on it.
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