Is this a red flag? (Dh's ex's new partner)

[CovidMadeMeCarefree]

My husband has a 9-year old son. He has been divorced from his ex for 8 years. They don't get on, and mostly communicate via text or a mediator.

Over the years, my husband and his ex have often disagreed with each other's parenting styles. For example, my step son has no set bedtime at his mum's house (and never has), which my husband disagrees with.

About 18 months ago, DH's ex told my husband that she had a new boyfriend and was planning on moving in with said boyfriend ASAP. They moved in together after about 6 months of dating. My husband has met this man once. He said that the man was polite but didn't give away any details about his life. For example, he wouldn't say where he worked or what role he does, just the field he worked in.

Since this man has moved in with my stepson, my stepson has not mentioned this man once. Whenever I, or my husband, ask stepson what he did last week/ at the weekend/ whatever, he never ever mentions this man. It's as if this man doesn't exist. However, this new boyfriend definitely does exist as we often see him/ his car when dropping stepson off at his mum's.

Both my husband and I don't want to pry as it isn't really our business what happens at his ex's house, but it just seems a bit off?

My stepson talks about me to his mum all the time (I think she asks him about me). Over the years, she has often criticised the things I do to my husband. For example, she doesn't like some of the food I cook for stepson.

To be clear, stepson shows no signs of abuse/ neglect, so we aren't worried about that angle.

Is there any need for that? Just here for your hobby I see

So if the OP had said ‘the ex thinks it’s a red flag that I am unwilling to give her my life story’, what do you think the response would have been? That she should prove herself by telling a stranger whatever it is they want to hear so that she isn’t branded ‘unsafe’ in some way around children? Or do you think there would have been a chorus of ‘none of her business’. The expectation of many, many step parents is that they can do whatever they want when it comes to their relationship but when the ex has a relationship, all sorts of expectations are placed upon her (and him). She is perfectly capable of caring for her children - as the OP has recognised herself - so why look for problems?

Why don’t you casually mention him in conversation with DSS, ‘have you and mum and Bob done anything nice this week?’ see how he reacts 🤷🏼‍♀️

@EnoughnowIthink

Is there any need for that? Just here for your hobby I see

So if the OP had said ‘the ex thinks it’s a red flag that I am unwilling to give her my life story’, what do you think the response would have been? That she should prove herself by telling a stranger whatever it is they want to hear so that she isn’t branded ‘unsafe’ in some way around children? Or do you think there would have been a chorus of ‘none of her business’. The expectation of many, many step parents is that they can do whatever they want when it comes to their relationship but when the ex has a relationship, all sorts of expectations are placed upon her (and him). She is perfectly capable of caring for her children - as the OP has recognised herself - so why look for problems?

I don't think that's the ops problem at all to be honest. I think you're deliberately misunderstanding.

My DS acted similar when she first met his now SM. He actually seems to really like her but even at that young age he seemed to feel guilty about talking about her to me, like some kind of loyalty.
Scary how much they pick up at a young age.

I actually said to my DS that I was happy if he was happy and I wanted him to like his SM as long as she was treating him well.
I actually kept dropping her name into the convo too like if we were eating sweets as a treat I'd say "oh what's XX fave sweet?" Obviously kept it light hearted questions rather than an interrogation.

He now speaks openly about her

Don't get me wrong, it wasn't easy but best for my DSs sake. Maybe your SC just needs some reassurance that it's ok?

@GrumpyHoonMain

Kids often don’t tell the nrp when they like or have fun with their RP’s new partner due to a lack of comfort. Whereas they are much more likely to be open to the RP about the NRP’s failings.

It’s just how it is. Your DH needs to understand the limitations of being a NRP and not push his son to share when he’s clearly not comfortable, but he could ask general questions

Often? Why is that?

@AnneLovesGilbert I think some kids with separated parent just pick up so easily on the parents and partners all feel about each other. It's like they have a 6th sense for it and are so sensitive.

Like I said below, my DS initially wouldn't speak about his new SM until I went out my way to show him I was okay with it and happy for him to have fun with her etc. I think he felt like he was betraying me. I hated this and made such an effort to make sure he knew I was happy with it as long as he was happy.

His SM hasn't quite made the same effort. In the past he has said he was missing me etc and DS said she doesn't like him talking about me. I asked if she'd said that to him. He said she hadnt said it directly but she gets grumpy when my name is mentioned. He's also said that SM doesn't like me and I said "what makes you think that?" And he said "just the way he doesn't like it when I talk about something I've done with you"

I raised it with ExH and he said he's definitely never been told that but accepted that if he's picked up on it then it's obviously the impression that it's being created. I could tell by his response that he knew my DS had picked up on something and said they'd be more conscious of it.

They're so so perceptive.

OP could it be that his mum doesn't like hearing about you so he's assumed you & his dad doesn't want to hear about his stepdad, ie it's an unspoken rule that you don't talk about each other?

To be honest, I would hate the thought of my child living with someone I didn't know, but I suppose that's what happens when relationships break down so badly.

@Ginger1982

To be honest, I would hate the thought of my child living with someone I didn't know, but I suppose that's what happens when relationships break down so badly.

It's the hardest thing ever. Unfortunately once you've split you can't stop it happening and my exH had a year longer affair and left so I didn't have much choice.

I still struggle with my DS staying with another woman a couple to nights a week but you've got to put the DCs first. If I let DS know my true feelings he wouldn't be as happy and I doubt he'd want to go so you need to put on a brave face for them.

My DS is far too young to know what went on but my only priority is his happiness so I just need to suck it up!

There's lot of good points being made here. The idea that dss thinks my husband may be jealous of the new boyfriend is certainly plausible as he has a fairly romantic view of his mum and dad. For example, he has a photo of them on their wedding day by his bed (his choice!).

By the way, my husband isn't a NRP. He has a 50/50 split with his ex, but he usually has his son a bit more due to his ex's shift patterns. It normally works out that dss is with us 60% of the month.

I don’t think it’s that weird at all. My two DS’s have lived with my DP for 5 years now but I’d be surprised if they ever mentioned him in conversation. There’s a bit of distance there, not in a hostile way, just separate. I can imagine plenty of people could talk to them and think they just lived with their mum.

Like you said, it's not of your business.

Her ex, your DP moved on with you. His ex is perfectly entitled to do the same. It's no different.

No not a red flag. Which isn’t to say you shouldn’t keep your eye on it. Sometimes just a feeling is worth monitoring.

My DSDs step dad is similarly cagey about his life as is DSDs mum; we get the small amount of info we have from DSD. I don’t really understand why he’s so cagey as although i wouldn’t exactly tell her mum personal things I don’t mind her knowing about my life as I spend a lot of time with her daughter. When he first came into DSDs life she very rarely mentioned him and I think that was because she felt a bit awkward about it all/worried DH would think he was being replaced. We tried to make it ok to talk about him by asking after him in a polite way - like how’s your mum, how’s *name and when she talked about doing things ask who sigh and be positive saying how nice that is. We didn’t interrogate her but just when we saw her ask a couple of questions