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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Is this a red flag? (Dh's ex's new partner)

39 replies

CovidMadeMeCarefree · 16/04/2021 10:13

My husband has a 9-year old son. He has been divorced from his ex for 8 years. They don't get on, and mostly communicate via text or a mediator.

Over the years, my husband and his ex have often disagreed with each other's parenting styles. For example, my step son has no set bedtime at his mum's house (and never has), which my husband disagrees with.

About 18 months ago, DH's ex told my husband that she had a new boyfriend and was planning on moving in with said boyfriend ASAP. They moved in together after about 6 months of dating. My husband has met this man once. He said that the man was polite but didn't give away any details about his life. For example, he wouldn't say where he worked or what role he does, just the field he worked in.

Since this man has moved in with my stepson, my stepson has not mentioned this man once. Whenever I, or my husband, ask stepson what he did last week/ at the weekend/ whatever, he never ever mentions this man. It's as if this man doesn't exist. However, this new boyfriend definitely does exist as we often see him/ his car when dropping stepson off at his mum's.

Both my husband and I don't want to pry as it isn't really our business what happens at his ex's house, but it just seems a bit off?

My stepson talks about me to his mum all the time (I think she asks him about me). Over the years, she has often criticised the things I do to my husband. For example, she doesn't like some of the food I cook for stepson.

To be clear, stepson shows no signs of abuse/ neglect, so we aren't worried about that angle.

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 16/04/2021 11:12

Hmmm, well I wouldn't be concerned about him not talking about his job or your step son not talking about him much. They may just rub along quietly but not have much to say.

But why not just ask step son about him, to shed some light on how he feels?

Leaninghouse · 16/04/2021 11:22

Like you say it's not really any of your business. Why do you need to know his job role?

SnowAllSpring · 16/04/2021 11:45

Is what a red flag? none of this is any of your business.

lunar1 · 16/04/2021 11:48

I do think it's something to keep an eye on, children shouldn't be brought up feeling like they have two lives. Adults need to make children feel comfortable talking about both homes wherever they are. If the can't it's usually because of adults causing divided feelings.

I'd worry he's been told he can't talk about certain things.

Overdueanamechange · 16/04/2021 11:50

I can't see a red flag. His having no set bedtime at his mum's isn't an issue, as long he is getting enough quality sleep - its his home, not boot camp. The new man's occupation etc isn't anything to do with your DH. I'm wondering if your DH is a bit territorial?

Original poster
CovidMadeMeCarefree · 16/04/2021 11:56

Thanks for the responses.

The man not stating his job was just one example of how cagey the man was. He was polite to my dh when they met, but he didn't/ wouldn't tell my husband anything about his life at all.

I think (although I obviously could be wrong) that my stepson has been told not to say anything about this man to us. Again, it's none of our business, but I just find it a bit concerning.

As mentioned, my stepson talks to his mum about DH and I all the time. His mum often criticises the life of my husband and I (such as the food we cook/ lack of TV time, and so on), so she's obviously listening. It's just odd that stepson rarely talks about his life with his mum.

OP posts:
clpsmum · 16/04/2021 11:56

Which part do you think is a red flag?

aSofaNearYou · 16/04/2021 12:01

He might just be a private person and not want his partner's ex knowing much about him. Or, if your gut is genuinely telling you something is off, it could be something more sinister, best bet would be to start asking your step son the odd question.

In terms of her criticising your parenting, annoying as it is, this double standard may be a gender thing. Her partner may not do much for/with your step son which would explain why there isn't much to talk about.

Mumbo1234 · 16/04/2021 12:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bananalanacake · 16/04/2021 12:02

She doesn't like some of the food you cook for stepson. Well tell her to send over boxes of food she does like.

EnoughnowIthink · 16/04/2021 12:04

so really, you're just looking for a problem that quite clearly doesn't exist? why? do you enjoy the conflict? or do you need everyone to tell you how much better you are at parenting than her?

SnoozyBoozy · 16/04/2021 12:05

Ah ok, so are you thinking that because the man hasn't given any information about himself and your dss also isn't talking about him it might be that he's a bit dodgy and they've asked your dss not to say anything about him to you?

I guess that would be possible, if a little far fetched, but I guess you could gently ask him questions like 'did you have a nice time with your mum and Bob last week at X' and see if he says 'Bob wasn't there' it whatever. But I wouldn't be jumping to conclusions yet, plenty of step parents don't want the other family to know much about them, it could just be they don't want you knowing their business.

dontdoubtyourself · 16/04/2021 12:34

It's really not your business is it?

lunar1 · 16/04/2021 12:40

I completely disagree with the majority of this thread to be honest.

Child protection is everybody's business, @CovidMadeMeCarefree isn't over stepping in any way by questioning something that she finds uncomfortable. It's when we start putting limits on who can raise questions that abuse and neglect can go unchecked.

There may be nothing to it, but at least the op and her husband can keep an eye on the situation.

I think anyone living with a child automatically gives up the right to a certain amount of privacy. Children talk about the people they live with, it's natural. While we raise them to respect privacy and boundaries it's a learning curve for them.

Did I particularly want my eldest to tell his reception teacher and class about my tattoo, not particularly.

You can't live with children and ask them to keep secrets, and while that might not be happening it is a possibility that should be considered.

dontdisturbmenow · 16/04/2021 12:43

He was polite to my dh when they met, but he didn't/ wouldn't tell my husband anything about his life at all
Of course he didn't. His new partner doesn't along with her ex, he isn't going to become paly with him and tell him anything about him to give him ammunition to give his partner even more of a grad time -thiscfrom there perspective of course.

Yes, it's highly likely he's been told not to mention him but your OH didn't help my matters by asking him about his job and whatever else on meeting him. That was incredibly rude and out if order so I don't blame them for not wanting your SC to share any info.

Maybe83 · 16/04/2021 12:43

My ss keeps his sides of the family fairly separate.

His mam would definitely of questioned him when he was younger about dh etc. As he has gotten older he is shares more probably as I get on better with his mam than DH ex did.

Maybe he doesn't want to open him self up to being questioned in your home like he is by his mam.

I aways ask ss how his mam and siblings, nanny etc are and have since he was younger. I didnt want him to feel that it was like they didn't exist in our home. Just general light questions. He would have clammed up when he was younger but now we chat about them easily as we would attend events etc together.

Original poster
CovidMadeMeCarefree · 16/04/2021 13:47

Thanks everyone. It is good to hear other perspectives. I'm actually glad to hear that most people don't consider this man a red flag.

When I met DH's ex a few years ago, she asked me many many personal questions. She wanted to know where I worked, who my family were, and so on. I answered all of these questions no problem. I understood that she just wanted to see who her son was now living with. That was fine by me as I have nothing to hide.

When my husband met his ex's current boyfriend, the boyfriend said nothing at all. They went to a coffee shop with his ex, and the man just sat there quietly. My husband was just trying to make polite conversation with him when he asked the man what his job was. It certainly was not meant in a rude or judgemental way. However, I can appreciate that it may have come across badly.

OP posts:
DinoHat · 16/04/2021 13:58

Have you googled the man?

I think it’s likely this man hasn’t been very forthcoming because your DH and his ex don’t get along. Not really set the scene for an open and honest relationship.

I don’t think it’s any concern, in fact I’d probably prefer the distance.

RedMarauder · 16/04/2021 13:58

The boy is 9 unless he isn't NT then he will be acutely aware by now that his parents don't get on.

He will also be aware that when he talks to about you to his mum it causes issues. So he has decided for his own piece of mind not to talk about his mum's partner to his dad.

Just ensure your SS is aware at all times if there is any issues with any adults in his households he can talk to other safe adults like his teachers or other adults that aren't you, his father, his mum or her partner.

aSofaNearYou · 16/04/2021 14:10

@CovidMadeMeCarefree

Thanks everyone. It is good to hear other perspectives. I'm actually glad to hear that most people don't consider this man a red flag.

When I met DH's ex a few years ago, she asked me many many personal questions. She wanted to know where I worked, who my family were, and so on. I answered all of these questions no problem. I understood that she just wanted to see who her son was now living with. That was fine by me as I have nothing to hide.

When my husband met his ex's current boyfriend, the boyfriend said nothing at all. They went to a coffee shop with his ex, and the man just sat there quietly. My husband was just trying to make polite conversation with him when he asked the man what his job was. It certainly was not meant in a rude or judgemental way. However, I can appreciate that it may have come across badly.

See, this is exactly why I say hell no on threads about "insisting on meeting exes new partner first". I think this new guy has it right tbh, the grilling she gave you was intrusive and weird. Incidentally, she sounds like a piece of work and is exhibiting several double standards, but still I don't think it's wrong of him to have boundaries.
ginoclocksomewhere · 16/04/2021 14:11

OP you completely sound reasonable to me- I understand your concern, if he's generally chatty about home life just not the new partner. As someone else has suggested maybe just prompt him by asking how his week with Mum and XYZ was, just see how he responds. Not necessarily to get I go about them, but more so to gauge SS's reaction?

Hopefully just a case of he's not really interested! :)

I think some have read about her not liking your food etc and missed the point a little.

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/04/2021 15:32

I think you’re judging this based on what you were put through by the ex when you got together. (By your DP probably as if he hadn’t thought his ex deserved a right to question you it wouldn’t have happened...)

DH and I have been married years, I’ve known my DSC well over half their lives, we’ve got a shared child, and I’ve never officially met his ex or agreed to be interrogated by her. My job, family, cooking style are nothing to do with her at all. DH and she don’t get on terribly well but it’s far less frosty than you describe this being. I still haven’t met her, DH didn’t meet the boyfriend she had for a while.

You didn’t have to meet her, it’s not normal to be quizzed like that, so maybe you’re projecting that onto the situation with this man.

As long as SS seems happy and well I wouldn’t give this a second thought. He knows his parents loathe each other and probably hates her asking him about you so he’s avoiding further angst and possibly the fear of upsetting his dad by just not mentioning this man.

GrumpyHoonMain · 16/04/2021 15:37

Kids often don’t tell the nrp when they like or have fun with their RP’s new partner due to a lack of comfort. Whereas they are much more likely to be open to the RP about the NRP’s failings.

It’s just how it is. Your DH needs to understand the limitations of being a NRP and not push his son to share when he’s clearly not comfortable, but he could ask general questions

TrustTheGeneGenie · 16/04/2021 15:43

@EnoughnowIthink

so really, you're just looking for a problem that quite clearly doesn't exist? why? do you enjoy the conflict? or do you need everyone to tell you how much better you are at parenting than her?
Is there any need for that? Just here for your hobby I see.
KoalaOok · 16/04/2021 15:51

I don't want to give my partners ex all the ins and outs of my life. She doesn't need to know my exact job, she can pick up whatever the stepchildren tell her. My life is none of her business unless it affects her children. I imagine he feels the same.