What are your top tips to being a happy Stepmum?

[Rainydays55]

How to get the balance between having your own time, quality time just with your partner and time together as a family with the stepchildren? How involved are you with the parenting? Looking back is there anything you would’ve done different in the first few years?
As a fellow stepmum just looking for any tips I can pick up to help me stop stressing the small things!

I’d have ran a mile. HTH.

I wouldn't have gone down that road.
Part of the reason for splitting is the way he expected my dc to behave /do chores/reward them was not the same as the way he expected his dc to act. His dc were put on a pedastal and didn't have the same rules. Dc became spoilt dc with multiple behavioural issues and I felt very sorry for all dc but I couldn't do anything to help his dc so felt the best thing to do was protect my dc.
I would not date anyone with dc especially those parented by Disney dad's.

Happy Step-mum here!

OP this thread is likely to be derailed by people who are unhappy telling you to run so try not to let it get you down look out for the happy posts.

I think my situation works because

DSCs are nice kids and DPs ex is reasonable. This is the most important thing.

DP and his ex co-parent well and are flexible with each other. DSCs mum treats him as an equal parent with equal input into decisions so a Disney parent dynamic hasn't developed.

I am not in parenting role, more like a fun auntie. DP does the of grunt work of parenting and I am not expected to provide childcare while he swans off out at contact time. If I am not in the mood at contact times I will go out with friends (pre-covid) or take myself off to curl up with a book or have a soak in the bath. If DSCs behaviour frustrates me I remove myself from the situation rather than trying to wade in.

We live close by which means there is no issue with talking DSD to their various social activities if the are here at the time.

Let their parents do a the parenting. Don't end up doing a load of housework/parenting tasks for them as that can easily lead to resentment.

I’m happy now I’m not a stepmum 😂

Go out when they're here and keep topped up with wine.

Joking aside, I don't get involved with parenting them - it's not my job, I have my own children. I don't agree with a lot of how he parents but I don't have to, so I have stoped fretting over that and let him get on with it. I only intervene if it affects me or my children.

Also, I take myself off for peace when I need it. I find it really hard to spend a lot of time with other people's children (Playdates in my home are my idea of hell) and DP understands that I don't want to be around them all the time.

More helpfully I’d say the most important thing that would have helped with being a stepmum would be my ex being more reasonable about expectations of the stepmum role and also if he’d actually parented in any way rather than never disciplining or correcting breathtaking levels of rudeness... and didn’t seem to think basic manners were worth teaching (please/thankyou etc). It was just awful.

Detach, detach, detach!

My DSDs are lovely but I do no parenting of them whatsoever. Agree with the fun auntie vibe PP suggested. We bake, watch YouTube, play board games, shop online but bedtime, cooking, washing for them is nowt to do with me! I'm very lucky that my DH is an excellent parent and there's no Disney dadding. I also ensure that they have time with their dad on their own as well as with me, because I don't want them to feel they have to share him all the time. I'm very happy in the bath with wine and a book while they take the dogs out.

DH ex is a piece of work and I have nothing to do with her. Makes it far simpler and seeing I don't parent, she has no reason to contact me or I her. Definitely the simplest way.

Another happy Stepmother here

I'm different to other posters in that I do parent - both the good and bad. I have an excellent relationship with DSD's DM, and I don't think twice about disciplining/making rules etc, the same as I do with my own child with DH. But on a positive note, I also attend parents evenings and sports days and birthday parties and all the fun things!

We have DSD 50% of the time, and DH is an excellent, hands-on father who treats the children the same, no Disney Dad here. I have no issue providing childcare when DSD is here, DH is free to go out as he pleases, as am I. We just arrange it between ourselves, albeit with the DC in mind, but DSD is always happy to be here with me and her sibling.

We're very much one big family, and although it took us time to get here it really is lovely.

Have separate houses 😂
Seriously DH & I kept separate homes even though we were and still are married 22y years this year
I had one boy & DH had 2 boys all similar ages .We were both lucky that we could afford to do this and we were both in agreement of doing this but I highly recommend it 😂
On the weekends that he had his kids he would spend Friday night with them on his own at his flat .
Saturdays we would sometimes meet up and go swimming or hang out and then he would come back to my house late Sat evening
In the week he would pick them up and take them out to tea .
We did holidays abroad but always booked as separate families 😂 so we always had a room each, most of the time the kids would all share one room and we would have our own room - bliss
All the kids are grown up now and his old place is rented out . Neither of us wanted to give up or merge money together to buy a bigger place as what we had was perfect for us and our kids.

Just to say despite my post I am happy in my marriage. Having my own DC has helped in many ways but in others made things more difficult - unlike @KylieKoKo I can’t just disappear if I find I need some space anymore but I am more tolerant of my DSS now I have kids of my own and also understand DH’s POV a bit better.

Detach is a good stance and don’t try and be Wonder Woman, you’ll tie yourself up in knots.

Mine are all older now and were 18 and 10 when I met them.

Best advice is let the parents parent and try to be a friendly, non judgemental ear to give advice they probably won't take.

Having said that, mine have never lived with me so I only see the best sides of them and they only see the best sides of me.

We've rubbed along fine and they are both very loved by me and I hope they love me too.

For those of you who have mentioned your step kids are now older, how do you maintain a good relationship with them as they become teens and older? This is the bit that worries me quite a bit, the teenage attitudes!

Two things.

1. You and your DH need to be on the same page.

1. Boundaries - have them, communicate them to DH and keep them.

Being "on the same page" for DH and I meant we have house rules.

Simple things like respect for individual space/privacy. Doing age appropriate chores. Being polite/kind to each other.

Breaking the rules has consequences that everyone understands, so it doesn't matter who disciplines the child in question having broken them.

There's no "red carpet" for the non- resident child. They are part of the family (and family rules) and treated like everyone else.

We holiday as a family (all of us) but don't expect that every activity has to be centred around access, because SC's also do nice things with their other parent at weekends.

DH has never penny pinched with maintenance. It's (well) above what he "should" pay but within his means and I think that's a good thing - who wants to be married to a man who won't appropriately support his ExP and child?

For my part I don't suffer in silence. If there's an issue DH and I discuss it like the adults we are and agree a solution (rare occurrence but has happened occasionally).

Fundamentally the biggest factor imho as a SM is how your partner/husband handles things.

If he's going to be a Disney dad or worse a deadbeat dad then run away.

@Rainydays55

For those of you who have mentioned your step kids are now older, how do you maintain a good relationship with them as they become teens and older? This is the bit that worries me quite a bit, the teenage attitudes!

Yes I do

Sorry you asked how...

Simply liking stuff they post on social media (assuming I do like it!), texting them when they achieve something, making sure they know they (Covid restrictions permitted) can come round any time.

In Covid times, making some favourite food they liked (that they they only the way I make it) and doing a socially distanced drop off to let them know I'm thinking about them.

To my SDCs - I try to be an extra aunt. Take no bad manners and rudeness - cheeky is fine and they know I have limits. I enforce their parents rules.
All Exs get on - we go out for meals with repsective exs and our own children - so DCs realise Mum and Dad are all on the same page and they can discuss issues once not twice.

Also a lot of deep breaths and realise this is not personal with middle SDC and more kicking against the situation rather than the individual and you are easier to kick than parents you love but hate for doing this to then

I'm a happy SM. DH is a happy SF. We have havent had the easiest of relationships with our exs so certainly hasn't been without out challenges. We have a child together.

We don't take the not my responsibility approach in our home. We see them all as our responsibility financially, time etc. We didn't get worked up about who did which child's washing or dinner. Or who had to do a drop of and collection. We just saw it as give and take.

Ours are young adults now. They still want to spend time with us for family dinners, holidays etc. We have great relationships and fun with them.

We do mixes of things with each of the kids individually and together. We have no problem taking time away from each other or them. If the kids were all here when younger and the other had to go out or had plans. They stayed and just got on with what ever we was going on in the house.

We take the this is how we do things in this family approach. That took awhile to stop being so impacted by the behaviour of our exs. So did the competitive nature that comes with parenting. We just said we didn't want it in our relationship.

Once we did we just accepted early on in our relationship that our family life would be busy, chaotic and challenging at times. We don't take things to seriously or get wound up by the little things and laugh alot.

To support that we made sure to have alone time. With plenty of ranting and some swearing with alcohol! I actually think like any relationship with children it's important that you invest in quality time together. For us we just learnt over the years to make the most of the time we could have just the two of us. That actually was much easier before we had our dd because she is resident with us full time.

Step mum of a teen and a 20 year old here, the experience couldn't be any more different with each.

SS is a lovely lad. Fun, affectionate, considerate. He's always full of hugs and helps around the house without needing to be asked etc.

SD and I will never be in the same room again after rounds and rounds of nastiness escalated and she made it clear that after nearly a decade of being in her life and me going above and beyond, she considered me to be a 3rd party citizen in our family.

My advice would be don't over invest, detach slightly and you'll be fine. In a step family it's really important to do everything you can to get on but if I could take myself back to the start I'd step back a bit.

Don’t over involve yourself, let their father parent them and deal with all the DC issues. Feel free to do your own thing when they’re around, go out when they are over and spend time with them for meals or fun stuff when you feel like it. Respect their relationship with their father and allow them the freedom to have time together without you always hanging around. It always seems to go wrong when step mums get too involved and end up trying to parent the children. It’s harder if they live with you full time though. I am very fond of my DSC but I wouldn’t have coped living with them full time, or even 50/50 to be honest.

I’m 8 years in and the biggest thing I’ve learnt is to take an emotional step back from the drama created by DSDs mum and not get caught up in it. The hardest thing I had to learn was that the decisions made by DSDs mum effect me and my DC so it’s nowhere near as simple as just having DSD in my life. I had to learn to detach from it and not let plans be scuppered or spoiled.
After I had my own DC I also realised that I didn’t need to try and mother DSD when she was with us; she has her own mum who does that and she has a dad to do the parenting when she’s with us. If I have DSD while DH is working then I’ll look after her obviously but if he’s there then I expect him to do the parenting ie: set boundaries, discipline etc. I then get to do the fun things and I’m often the one making plans for things. The PPs comment about extra aunt is probably more my role these days
We also talk about things as there’s things that bother me at times and we’ll work out how to addresss it.
We’ve just entered the teenage years and so far DH is getting the attitude and me not so much; I make a joke out of it and if it goes too far DH pulls her up on it. It’s hard when they’re so self centred at that age but it is what it is.

Make time for yourself. I always get time alone when SC are here. We make sure I have time alone with my DC. We plot in child free nights. I read a book called skirts at war which makes me understand I cannot change the ex and she has her own issues that don't affect us which really helps. I don't get involved with parenting but facilitate time. I am more the fun aunt role now and I feel much better for it. I don't do pick ups/drop offs etc any more. The kids are here to see their dad. We get on well but they don't need another mum. My DH is an amazing dad and step dad. We are very happy. Kids are still youngish so not sure what happens when they hit teens or if they will still want to come. They are always welcome we just work around what they want.

I had a terrible time as step mum. Don’t do my mistakes...

• dont’ move into the family home
• keep your own friends, job or family near. You need the support.
• don’t be their friend or their parent. Just be benign background at first. Anything good will grow. Don’t force anything.
• do nice things, every now and then, saying something nice or whatever to your step kids, just to remind them you are not a witch. Do this even if they are awful
• don’t expect them to love you. Give them loads of space. Give yourself loads of space. And have as plenty of time just you and your partner.

I'm happy - my partner has the kids 50/50 and is very involved parent so no disney parenting. Also like other posters I don't 'parent' the DSC but see myself as more of an auntie.

I have a DS whose dad is not involved and so is with us all the time. DS adores my partner's children so that helps massively.