How hard is it REALLY to be a step parent?

[SarahScone]

Just that, really. My DP is fabulous, great dad to four year old DS, super supportive of me. We want to have our own baby and I’ve been doing some reading about blended families etc. I’m worried about becoming resentful of DSD. We do get on well and her dad really supports my interactions with her. There are a couple of areas where I sometimes feel like I’d like to have more say (ie I think she has too much sugar) but hold back because she’s not my daughter to raise. I’m worried about the ‘blend’ of a DSD and a DC. I know I can be a bit of a control freak and I am learning to chill out a bit.

I suppose I would like to hear some of the success stories. It’s very easy to find the horror stories so anyone who’s had positive experiences, I would love to hear your thoughts!

(Also - for info, DPs ex causes absolutely minimal issues, they co parent 50/50 and niggles are essentially minimal).

Do you live together? How long for? I’d want at least a full year of living together and properly being a family before deciding whether this was the family I wanted to have and raise my own baby in.

OP, my experience of SP amongst my friends and colleagues is a positive experience. SMs don't live their SCs as they do their own in most cases but do care a lot for their SCs and are happy to have them in their life.

There are some niggles and issues but in the whole, these are not much different to those experiences by most parents with their own children.

You've got a partner who seemed receptive to your views, who doesn't expect you to act as a mum of baby sitter, an ex who is fine, a child who doesn't seem to have major issues, and you come across as self reflective and prepare to adapt your ways to fit within the set up.

In all likelihood, you'll be absolutely fine.

I agree with the others that, in this forum, you see a view skewed towards difficult situations.
My situation has been up and down. DSD’s mother can be a big problem, but at the moment, she’s low key. Long may that last.
Life with a child that’s not my own involves lots of compromise and sacrifice from me. And it can be frustrating as, at the end of the day, I have no parental responsibility so I cannot communicate directly with her teacher for example.
But I try to balance things out. We get along very well and I consider her a net positive in my life :-)

OP - your final comment - Also - for info, DPs ex causes absolutely minimal issues, they co parent 50/50 and niggles are essentially minimal)

If anyone goes in with the attitude that is is always the EX of either gender that causes the problems - then life will be difficult. What one side sees a sensible solution that suits them may not be viewed in the same way by the other side. I think in many cases each side oes not full understand the impact of changes make - for example - I needed to work 1in every 6 weekends all weekend with a rolling annual rota do dates available 2 years+ in advance. Now on the EOW pattern that was fine and worked perfectly, but when contact was unilaterally dropped to 1 WE per month it became more problematic - I adapted by swapping my weekend, when it then dropped to they flexibly wanted to choose the weekend they might have DCs and changing on a Friday at 1400 - then life became difficult. They saw me as being inflexible and I found them a bunch of controlling PITA. It ended up with me being told they were doing me a favour in having DCS for my weekend of work and I need to be more flexible!! Different points of view!

Oh and by the way - I was in the right and not being unreasonable!! ( In my view of course!)

I’m worried about becoming resentful of DSD.

That is worrying. what would she do that would cause resentment from you? If you have a baby it would be her brother or sister and no doubt she would want to be involved.

Be careful. Resentment is a nasty trait.

My DSD is lovely and I love being her step parent; there are a few irritations but she’s a child and I’d expect that as kids can do irritating things at times. I really enjoy weekends with her and always have.
The difficulty is her mum and at times there is no getting round how much stress is caused by her. Generally I think a lot of whether step parenting is hard or straight forward is based a lot on the ex and your DP so if things are good with the ex then chances are things will be relatively smooth (as smooth as things are with kids as there’s always things come up)

I would just speak from my experience, I found myself reasonably lucky because SD is a good girl and ex isnt a big deal, we've never even met. She does change arrangements occasionally which frustrates me but there seem to be much, much worse exs from stories told on here.

My feelings completely changed once my own baby came and i wasnt expecting it at all. I also feel as though DP over compensates even more with SD once new baby came. He wont admit it but i think he feels guilt hes had another child who lives with us full time etc and gets more attention from me.

Every situation is different and i think being with someone who has a child / children with someone else brings up extremely complex feelings but seeing as your partner and SD seem decent you'll get through it. But i do see it that way, getting through it! Rather than just living easily which may happen if we were a 'nuclear' family.

Just remember that however you feel its valid and shouldnt be dismissed by anyone x

@UhtredRagnarson

Do you live together? How long for? I’d want at least a full year of living together and properly being a family before deciding whether this was the family I wanted to have and raise my own baby in.

I would agree with this.

I am in a similar position OP, except I've been with my DP longer. I can honestly say it's only since we've lived together that I've been able to fully envisage what life might look like with a child in common and feel like I'm going into it with my eyes open.

It may sound silly, but it's just little things like my DP letting his son stay up past midnight in the room where we need to sleep, or the amount of junk he's happy to let the SCs eat when they're with us. It just means I'm that little bit more prepared for topics I'll need to tackle when we have a baby of our own, so that it doesn't cause major ructions down the line.

The main thing to remember is that most issues come from your DP rather than the children, so the more experience you can get of watching how he parents them and what his expectations are of you the better off you will be.

I've moved in with DP and his 4 lovely kids about a year ago- after a short 'courtship' Mine have grown up and left home.
It's quite a challenge sometimes as I feel like at almost 50 I've done my share of parenting - yet the kids don't have a 'real' mum around due to unfortunate circumstances. So I try to treat the kids like I did / do my own kids.
They are lovely but sometimes challenging. I suppose it's all a learning process for all of us still. But it's hard work sometimes. I don't have any regrets - just would love some more me or own time. Instead I'm looking for nits and washing bedding too often 😂❤️