How hard is it REALLY to be a step parent?

[SarahScone]

Just that, really. My DP is fabulous, great dad to four year old DS, super supportive of me. We want to have our own baby and I’ve been doing some reading about blended families etc. I’m worried about becoming resentful of DSD. We do get on well and her dad really supports my interactions with her. There are a couple of areas where I sometimes feel like I’d like to have more say (ie I think she has too much sugar) but hold back because she’s not my daughter to raise. I’m worried about the ‘blend’ of a DSD and a DC. I know I can be a bit of a control freak and I am learning to chill out a bit.

I suppose I would like to hear some of the success stories. It’s very easy to find the horror stories so anyone who’s had positive experiences, I would love to hear your thoughts!

(Also - for info, DPs ex causes absolutely minimal issues, they co parent 50/50 and niggles are essentially minimal).

I think that this forum paints step parenting very negatively.
That's natural as people will post when they are having troubles and not helped by the posters who like to post on here to kick step mothers when they are down.

I have a great relationship with my DSDs and for the most part I am very happy.

I think you just have to find a dynamic that works for all of you. I think issues can arise when people have differing expectations of what roles they and other people should play.

What works for me is to not try to be a parent like figure to them. I am more like a fun auntie and leave the parenting to DP. If I do feel frustrated with anything I leave the situation and let DP sort it out and I certainly don't pick up after them or do any of the drudgery of parenting. I can see that might not be possible if you have your own child there too.

It's a beautiful experience and a complete privilege.

My problems have all been because of a Disney Dad. He’s staggeringly blind to them as people and I was endlessly frustrated at his lack of actual parenting. They’re adults now, but with hindsight I wouldn’t have got involved. It’s always been a sadness to me, because I thought it would be great.

If you get on with your dh's ex, and don't have insecurities about their relationship it helps enormously.
I think having a respect for how difficult it is for the ex is important. It's an honour and responsibility to look after their child, and it seems to me that your situation is one in which everyone could be very happy.

I think it depends entirely on the people involved. Are you and your DP on the same page when it comes to parenting? The biggest issue I could see coming, is if you wanted to parent your joint child differently to how he parents his daughter that could cause a lot of friction, between you, and the DC when they are older. Maybe that is something to talk through before you decide to go ahead?

Why don’t you raise the sugar thing as a litmus test? Ask him what he thinks, is he concerned at all, if so then discuss ways you could maybe cut it down and encourage better habits etc. It’s not like it’s a particularly personal issue like attitude or behaviour so hopefully a good subject to start with.
I’d do this not in the expectation that he should immediately jump to attention and do as you say, but to see what his reaction is. Even “oh I hadn’t noticed but I’ll pay more attention, you might be right, not sure” is more of a positive than the defensive rage that some SMs seem to be faced with when they raise a concern.
He should be happy you care enough about his child to even notice this, never mind actually raise it with him. After all it’s not your child’s body you’re worried about - it’s his!
Anyway, if he’s open to discussion and respects your thoughts/opinions (respect is not the same as agreeing completely) then it bodes well if you do have a child with him I’d say.
I know my DH has listened and respected me when I’ve spoken to him about DSD, even if it sometimes takes him a while to realise I was right all along
Hence we now have DS together.

Once you adjust to the idea that although you may care about them, if your relationship ended tomorrow you may never see the children again it gets a lot easier. Don't get overly invested in their school work/manners etc, just things that will directly affect you. I enjoy it as I can just chat to them and they know I'm not going to tell them what to do etc.

If you don't see eye to eye on parenting issues, you certainly don't want to have a child with him. Take some time to see where he stands on certain issues and end it if you can see lots of conflict ahead.

How hard is it?

Is suppose it’s the same question as:

‘How long is a piece of string?’

Too many variables!

It sounds like everyone gets on, which is a good start.

And you’ve seen his parenting. Also a good start.

If all you’re worried about is the sugar intake I would say things are optimistic. Provided you’ve been together for more than 5 minutes. And provided he is doing the actual parenting.

Thanks everyone. Food for thought.

We’ve been together around a year, so it’s not ages and ages. But I’d like to think we are both reasonably well adjusted and have learnt a lot from our respective previous marriages (though only he has DC).

I think I’m very aware that if there are going to be problems, they are going to be of my own making. I mentioned that I like to have control of things and this can sometimes be unhealthy. I do manage it well and I manage it myself; my partner is aware and we talk about it but while he supports me we both acknowledge that it is my issue to own and address. So with that kind of predisposition I am trying to gather as MUCH info as I can so I can be well prepared for any pitfalls.
DSD is only 4 and a lovely little girl. My partner is such a good man. I just feel like it’s all a bit too good to be true!

It's hard but nothing to do with kids mostly it's dp and exw that normally cause issues if there are any.
I adore the kids, who are all fabulous.

Varies immensely and is so dependent on the characters involved.

Realising that your new DP has a big factor to play in it all and that not everything you are told about the EX is true and they are not all eveil money grabbing bitches.

First year fractious on many levels his, mine, DCS and SDCs despite 5 yrs between parents splits before we actually met. Now 2.5 yrs in - great relationship with 2 SDCs, third is variable - sometimes fab and in the blink of an eye can be bloody awful!

Lot of deep breaths and a lot of "it is a phase and it too will pass moments"

Overall: good but requires work, compromise and a sense of humour!

FWIW. My SS(9) says he has three parents, his mum, his dad, and me....I've been around since he was 2. Didn't join in with 'parenting' until he was 5, just talked to my OH about things which I thought might help etc and we gradually developed things. We have a great relationship and he is a fantastic big brother. If my husband has done or allowed things with him in the past and I've disagreed then I've said 'just know that when we have a child they won't be doing that' means I'm telling him I disagree without controlling everything and laying the foundations for joint children.
Relationship with the ex has been turbulent over the years, parenting is 50/50. We make it work.

Like a precious poster said, step parenting is definitely 'how long is a piece of string?' Because no two families are the same

We've got a relatively great set up. I keep my nose out of arrangements between DH and EX (unless DH feels they concern me - he's very good).

They have a very basic relationship, my relationship with ex is better than theirs 😅!

I disagree however that you can't speak to your DP in regards to the sugar thing etc. I suggest better techniques to my DH but I guess me and him have a great relationship and see ourselves as team so it's never considered negative. I wouldn't ever do it in-front of DSD.

We have a DD together too and there were parenting niggles that had to change in order for me to want to have a child with him.

I don't know how it would work if you didn't have the same 'family values' and the SC were treated differently just because? An example of which is my DSD when DH and I first got together used to be totally spoilt which, since having my own, I realise I easily done haha. However it became obviously apparent we went to a caravan holiday and she screamed across the arcade 'dad give me a tenner now' and he did 😅 and I was like woah... I can't be with someone who thinks that's ok. He realised he wasn't teaching her something we both valued as important, and it changed so quickly. I wouldn't have had children with him otherwise.

If you have an emotionally intelligent husband who is not driven by guilt, well-adjusted DSCs with good boundaries, a well-balanced ex who has moved on with her life, and enough money, then I have no doubt it’s a doddle.

If you have the opposite of any one of those then things get harder. Many SMs on here have the opposite of many or all those things. And very often none of this was apparent when they were ‘getting into’ the relationship.

So it’s a pretty big spectrum 😀

If you start to resent the money and the time needed to make it work then you are going to have problems.

First SM to my DCs - resented both, had never appreciated, I earned as much as EX. When she did realise, she resented any of his money going to his 2 DCS and felt I could afford everything. Then resented the time - EOW lasted 4 months as it was too much for him to drive there and back - 2 hrs- so after 2 months I did but then just did not want DCS in their house and after that was max 6 weekends per annum and so many let downs for the DCS - I lost count. Second SM - just gets it- love her!

SDCs mum no resentment on monies, she works and like me is financially independent and time is flexible.

Don't do it!
You may or may not have "control issues" but it's your partner who has a child and it's the biggest, hardest complication to the relationship there could be!!
If you "both" already acknowledge it's "your issue to own" I call BS.
Nothing wrong with needing to have control of your own life, it's not an "issue".
Bring the suger up, say in your house you want less junk to be eaten and see what happens. If your partner dismisses you chances are he will feed any potential child you have with junk too and you will be labelled a control freak for having different standards.

That’s a disappointingly negative response.
I have spoken with DP about the sugar and said I was worried about her diet. He agrees (he doesn’t apply the same level of priority but that’s obvious already, otherwise she wouldn’t have so much of it) and has already committed to looking at healthy ways to address the balance, he has suggested being more prepared about snacks etc so she doesn’t automatically get high sugar stuff.
Honestly, I’m a bit anxious about the responsibility of step parenting, I specifically asked for positive experiences, I genuinely think our relationship is good and strong and the one thing I have concerns about (sugar) is hardly a deal breaker, IMO.
“Don’t do it” is unsubstantiated and I would assume drawn from your own negative experience.

Luckily the ex is pretty stable. She has a new partner and largely everything is fine so hopefully there won’t be too much need to ignore anything.
I just want to go into this with my eyes wide open but equally, I don’t want to dread it!

I would say it has its ups and downs like many things. DSS is a sweet caring kid which makes it easy. I would say watch out for things like Disney dad. Its dads responsability to parent his child but you have the right to enforce rules as well so be firm but fair with any child or they walk all over you.
Sounds like you wont have much ex drama which is great.

Think of her as a niece whom you’re fond of who stays regularly in your home. You feel a kindly responsibility towards her but she already has two parents so apart from asking for some basic manners - don’t smash up the house etc - you don’t micromanage her life. You do everything you can do facilitate her and your DP being able to see each other in a harmonious environment, sometimes with you there and sometimes just the two of them, which means you occasionally take a step back without needing to take it personally. Remember that the older she gets the less you will gradually see of her and the more you’ll have DP to yourself. You sound considerate and thoughtful and that’s a good start.

Hi

My advice would be think about her as a friends child or as someone says a niece.

Don’t try to parent them - leave that to the father. Just try to have fun and do positive things together to make memories. You have no parental responsibility so there no pressure on you.

If there is an issue and you think something is not right you should speak to the father so he can correct the behaviour. Make sure he parents his child!

Be very patient and don’t involve your self with the ex-wife/ex-partner. Keep contact minimal, but if friendly keep it so!

Be aware you’ll never be number one, things like holidaying will be difficult alone and a lot of your life will revolve around his child’s timetable. In some cases you’ll have to do things alone with your child.

Also good communication is essential especially if you feel resentment is building up.

I’m a bit anxious about the responsibility of step parenting
That’s something else to chat about. How much responsibility does your DP want/expect you to have?
I’ve always been a bit more of a fun auntie type character, any parental type concerns I’ve taken up with DH away from DSD.
He has said he doesn’t even think of me as a step mother as his ex does more than enough mothering so there’s just no need.
Problems start when expectations do not align IMO.