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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

At my wits end with DSD mum

45 replies

NatureWalk · 13/04/2021 04:09

There's a whole load of back story etc about dh and his ex but I'll try and keep this brief.

Dsd mum (ill call her A) is causing all sorts of issues for dsd and neither she or her partner are even willing to listen to us. Im not even sure where to begin with this whole mess.

A has some pretty serious MH issues but refuses to see anyone, gp and MH professionals were involved but she's stopped her appointments with them. As a result she won't speak to DH or myself, everything about DSD goes through her partner (ill call him B). She claims DH was abusive and hurt her and DSD obviously I wasn't there but DH is the most loving and gental man I've ever met. I was in a nasty relationship before I met DH and he's never once given me cause for concern about how he treats me DSD or any of my 3 kids. He does however have photos etc of when she smashed a glass in his face and dislocated his elbow among other things.

Things have been escalating recently and I'm at my wits end about how to protect DSD. DSD is about to turn 4 and start school, her mum didn't want to potty train her as 'it's too hard with a newborn' so DH and I worked hard to potty train her which was made harder by the fact she went straight back into nappies when back at her mums. Eventually A&B got on side and DSD was potty trained, obviously there were accidents then DH and I started to notice DSDs bowel movements were odd so we contacted the gp who prescribed laxatives. For weeks the issues went on until one day I took her to the toilet and she had a but of an accident and she started screaming about being a bad girl and mummy would get cross etc. It took a long time to calm her down. I cleaned her up and sat her down to talk to her and she told me she doesn't want the poo to come out because if it comes out before she can get to the toilet then mummy shouts and says she's a dirty and bad girl. I spoke with DH and he rang B. B basically said yea A's MH is bad again and she's taking it out on the kids, then told DH about their toddler climbing on the coffee table and falling off and hurting himself and she yelled at him he was stupid etc. B willingly tells us stuff like this but when we say he needs to get A some help he defends her and says we are being dramatic. This is just the tip of the iceberg there's been so many other concerning things too (dsd only leaves the house to go to nursery when at her mums, other than that A won't leave the house and even then it's usually B who takes her unless he's working. DSD has said she gets scared when coming to us because mummy says she needs her there because it makes her feel better because mummy's always sad. I could go on and on). I honestly don't know how to fix things for DSD my heart breaks for her, she's such a wonderful little girl but she's got so many emotional problems and I just want to take the pain away and I cant.

OP posts:

babypinkelephant · 13/04/2021 04:18

It's up The dad to sort this out. What is he planning on doing about the situation?

PawPatrolGalore · 13/04/2021 04:25

Why isn’t her father protecting her? His child is in an abusive home, he shouldn’t be letting her back there at all without court ordered contact for the mother.

PawPatrolGalore · 13/04/2021 04:26

Sorry I don’t mean that to minimise how much you clearly love the wee girl, you sound wonderful. But there’s nothing you personally can do, her father needs to protect her and refuse to return her, go to court ASAP and get a residency order.

Original poster

NatureWalk · 13/04/2021 04:26

He is trying. He has mediation set up. He started court proceedings before we met to get main custody but stopped. He doesnt really know what else to do.

OP posts:

PawPatrolGalore · 13/04/2021 04:30

Why did he stop? Is there a possibility of starting proceedings again? I’m sorry but your DSD’s mother sounds actively emotionally and mentally abusive, it would be neglect and condoning the behaviour to leave her there. Especially since they seem to be so blasé about taking MH problems out on children, more than likely means they don’t see anything wrong with that kind of abuse and it can escalate into physical abuse

babypinkelephant · 13/04/2021 04:32

@NatureWalk

He is trying. He has mediation set up. He started court proceedings before we met to get main custody but stopped. He doesnt really know what else to do.

He needs to restart it again then

Original poster

NatureWalk · 13/04/2021 04:39

@PawPatrolGalore he's got it in his head that a child needs their mother no matter how bad that mother is. It's actually caused a couple of arguments because I say she doesn't need to be around that kind of behaviour and he says he doesn't want to deprive her of her mum. He's starting to see her for what she is now though.

OP posts:

user77hjjy · 13/04/2021 05:03

Call social services.

Keep a record of everything snd all B says.

BlueDahlia69 · 13/04/2021 05:03

he's got it in his head that a child needs their mother no matter how bad that mother is.

why does he believe this ? this makes no sense, and how can a Father think it's reasonable to leave his child in this abusive situation.

Original poster

NatureWalk · 13/04/2021 05:09

@BlueDahlia69 he's always said to me that he knew he should have left her years ago before they had a child but he felt he needed to look after her because of her MH so he stayed, I think its a similar thing, that he's worried court etc will effect her MH.

He also bases it in the fact he's super close with his mum and he says he wants DSD to have the same relationship with her mum. Which is never going to happen.

OP posts:

MyOtherProfile · 13/04/2021 05:17

DH really needs to wake up before things get any worse. Please log everything with dates and then read it all back to him. Time to push things forward.

blackcat86 · 13/04/2021 05:25

You need to tell him to call his local children's services or you will. When will your partner start placing DSDs needs before her mothers? The child's welfare comes first always. Adults are standing around whilst this child is abused because it may upset mum and that's simply not OK. Has anyone spoken to nursery to get their take. They have a duty to report concerns and may do so without anyone else involved so its far better for your partner to get the ball rolling. It's not about denying DSD a relationship with her mother but about keeping her safe so maybe mum needs her own treatment, parenting classes or a contact centre for now.

BlueDahlia69 · 13/04/2021 05:30

He really should be focusing on the best interests of his child. If not him, then you OP, need to make the call to social services. You sound like a good person who is seeing things with much more clarity, ie a child is being abused.

Make the call lady.

Original poster

NatureWalk · 13/04/2021 05:32

@blackcat86 things came to a bit of a head yesterday and I've told dh that I'm calling the children's centre and gp in the morning because things need to change. I feel at the shit its going to cause but if it helps dsd then it'll be worth it .

OP posts:

BlueDahlia69 · 13/04/2021 05:42

You're doing the right thing, you're getting the child help, and it'll be safe.

You cannot wait any longer, every moment counts.

I would also do as someone upthread suggested, write down as much event detail as possible, it all helps support assessing the situation, to help with specifics to look at.

OP this child is lucky to have you, she may not understand or realise now, but thank goodness she has you. 🌸

SushiYum · 13/04/2021 06:13

Please call social services and explain everything you just wrote. Also tell them what her partner told you. Your DSD and her toddler sibling are in danger.

trappedsincesundaymorn · 13/04/2021 06:18

I don't know if you can (or want to), do what we and my (now ex),H did when we had the same issues with his DC's mum.
When we picked up DSD one day she came out with all sorts of things so matter-of-factly that there was no question in our minds that she was telling the truth. The main one being that her mother had gone out and left her alone with her 2 year old half brother because "I'm a big girl now so I don't need a babysitter". The next morning we got an emergency appointment with a solicitor and the mother was informed that DSD would not be returned until we were satisfied that her home was safe. We the applied for an emergency court order for interim custody.
After 6 months of social workers, police reports and other stuff (by which time DSD had started school ), it was court ordered that she remain with us. It was a shitty time but it had to be done for the sake of that 4 year old girl. I don't regret doing it for 1 second and, 30 years later. she is married ( 11 years now), has 3 lovely kids and living very happily in Canada (her DH is Canadian). To this day I shudder to think how different her life would have been had we not done anything.

babypinkelephant · 13/04/2021 06:42

I wonder if it should be him that calls social services. Wouldn't it look a bit dodgy that you called instead of a biological parent (not diminishing your role or anything, but I would be wondering why). The excuse of a child should have their mother isn't good enough

GeorgiaGirl52 · 13/04/2021 06:51

he's got it in his head that a child needs their mother no matter how bad that mother is. It's actually caused a couple of arguments because I say she doesn't need to be around that kind of behaviour and he says he doesn't want to deprive her of her mum.

    My uncle had the same stupid belief.  He left their children in her care even though he knew she was a drug and alcohol addict and a neglectful mother.  Things changed one Christmas when he called them to say Merry Christmas and the oldest said mother was asleep on the floor and they couldn't wake her up.  Both of the children now have life-long PTSD and emotional problems.  Not to mention very bad memories of Christmas.

Original poster

NatureWalk · 13/04/2021 07:07

@babypinkelephant he won't do it though. I've been begging him to for months. He's finally agreed I can but he said he can't bring himself to do it.

I've been awake alright stressing and crying about it all but I know it's the right thing to do.

OP posts:

PawPatrolGalore · 13/04/2021 07:09

Poor girl, let down by both of her parents i honestly commend you for how much you want to help her OP. That can’t be an easy situation to have to sit and watch at all

KoalaOok · 13/04/2021 08:16

Even if this ends to the end of your relationship please know you have done the right thing OP.

Mumbo1234 · 13/04/2021 09:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RedMarauder · 13/04/2021 10:51

@babypinkelephant if the father calls social services it could be seen to be malicious so it is better that the OP does. Though in truth it would be even better if a neighbour, nursery worker or other childcare professional did as the OP isn't impartial.

Original poster

NatureWalk · 13/04/2021 11:16

I've rung ss and they've sent me a load of forms. Unfortunately DH rang this morning to get some info about medication and A&B took Offence and said we can't have her back on our designated day. DH is currently trying to push mediation through quicker and I'm researching our options.

OP posts:

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