How often do you have your step children?

[Rainydays55]

How often do you have your step children? Has it changed the older they have got?

@Mumbo1234 that sounds tricky.

My dad lived about 45mins away when I was a child. If a party/ dance class/ dance exam/am dram rehearsal fell on "his" time then he took me. But he didn't have other children. (Other than my brothers anyway)

I guess for me, as a RP, the excuse of "but the other DC need to see him too doesn't wash. Because they do see him. Every day. They see him far more than my Dc do. But my ex doesn't work so is always at home with his younger DC.

*I've used the word 'excuse' because I can't think of a better one right now. I'm sure it is a valid reason for a lot of families. Obviously my view is skewed by my own/my DCs experience.

[quote KylieKoKo]@WhatWouldPhyllisCraneDo he sounds a bit useless![/quote]
Understatement of the century! He also doesn't pay any maintenance

Only thing I would say is DC aren't stupid. They know which parent has put in all the hard work. Hint. It's not their dad!

I agree with @jessstan2, punctuation is necessary. The 2nd post on this thread is incomprehensible due to the lack of punctuation. I gave up reading it.

Ds14 goes to his dad every other weekend. It is awkward sometimes because dad isn’t willing to facilitate friendships or classes, so ds does miss out on those things. I think dad will now let him chat online to his friends on his weekends, but I don’t think that was always the case. When he was younger he pulled him out of swimming lessons, rather than making the effort to make it work. He will swap weekends occasionally if we’re invited to eg a wedding, but otherwise he does expect his time to take precedence.

@Mumbo1234 I can't imagine it's easy juggling all the DC! I hope your didn't feel like I was getting at you. That wasn't my intention. I think the fact that you have your DSD every weekend makes a difference to if it were EOW.

Just don't ask mum to swap on weekends when there are activities and parties you don't want to bother travelling for. I work all week and my time at the weekends with my children is just as important as the time they spend with their dad on his weekends. I really don't see why I should be expected to pick up every party or activity whilst he gets unencumbered time with them. And don't expect mum to provide cards and presents when they are going to parties on dad's time either.

I don't live with DP but he has then me 50/50 and usually more, we are together probably 75% of that 50% blended

@gerbilfur

EOW Friday to Sunday evening, and they come for dinner on Tuesdays.

Tbh that would never be enough for me, if I was their parent but they, and DH, seem happy enough with this arrangement. I think men often have a different kind of bond with their dc than women do.

My DP hates that we only have DSS 40 % of the time. We would both love if he lived here full time but there is no way his mother would allow that. The level of contact we currently have was only achieved when DP when to a solicitor and started legal preceeding. This made her realise that DSS was not just her son but that his dad has a say as well. I will give it to you that there are many cases of deadbeat dads but there are also many mothers who restrict or refuse visitation. This leaves NRP fighting for what time they can get.

We have DSS every other weekend, a night in the week and any opportunity for more, we take it.

He has his set routine and then if one weekend his mums busy, and were going out etc we have him more. Flexible but DP, and me to be honest, appreciate seeing him as much as he wants to.

He's getting older (8) and we dread the day he wants to stay home cos his friends are going out etc. Also, DD loves having her brother around.

@dorris88 , I think if you show a level of flexibility now you may find your DSS is keener to spend time with you as he gets older. I know it's definitely the case in my DS's case, his Dad showed zero flexibility or understanding and so now DS doesnt have much time for him, it works both ways.

I wish my DS's ex stepmum was like you! X

I think flexibility is key to everyone being happy. It allows both parents to get on with their lives and allows the children to have some choice when they get older.

I've never understood parents who arrange childcare rather than ask the other parent to be flexible, of course barring situations like a history of abuse where they have reason to believe that their ex will use it to control or gain information on their whereabouts.

Mumbo - you may say you want DSD around but you are moaning about what will be 52 days per annum and how hard that will be on your other DCs

" It was one day a week...it’s now three days EOW but that will go down to EOWeekend once school starts "

You may be asking for solutions but 52/365 is not going to deprive your DCs excessively as their DF will be there on those 52 days and surprise surprise you may do somethings as a family so they do not miss out.

52 days of the year you DP is going to have drive 2hrs per day - not ideal but not a killer either. Soemtimes you have to make compromises nd this looks like it will be your families

They're with us 50/50 and we live 5 mins walk away from their mum's. So they can easily pop over to either house as and when and see friends etc.

We used to swap mid week and then went to every other week. Now they're late teens 3 weeks in each house in turn is working well. Seems to give more stability and means we can all relax into a routine for a bit.

[quote Mumbo1234]@bogoffmda
You’re clearly not reading each of my posts on the thread.

DH works long hours, he barely sees any of the children in the week. One child already only sees her dad EOW, I don’t want anymore children to have to go through that. Neither does DH.

It’s over an hour (90 mins). DH will not be able to attend the activity/party with DSD. DSD mum will take her. He’ll have to hang around waiting.

It’s less time DC get to spend with DSD. Less time for young children to build a relationship, never mind extended family.

I’d love to spend those 52 days doing something as a family. That’s what my original post was about...asking how other people have managed it.

I’m well aware you have to make compromises in life, most step parents are well aware of this. Out of interest are you an step parent, ex or neither?

I’m not really sure what your problem is. I’ve not once complained about it but asked for advice via other people’s experiences. You’ve not provided advice, just sniped and insulted. Why bother commenting at all if that’s the case?

I hope you feel better after taking your distinct bitterness out on me.[/quote]
Wouldn’t expect anything else from this poster tbh. Axe to grind and never offers anything of value. Ignore them OP, hopefully they’ll get the message and go away.

Mumbo - I am reading your posts very clearly - you clearly are not reading mine!

I am an ex and I am an SM to 3! Hence my post where I said I take my DPs DD, my DSD to her activity and he takes my DS his DSS to rugby. Also no bitterness - my DCS have had one dire SM and now have a fab SM - so I know what good and bad looks like.

I have offered advice - which is compromises have to happen, as many of us have said and I have pointed out that you are unhappy over 52 days of the year. DSD is not going to have 52 parties and these will get less as she gets older so you will get family time.

My issue with you is you are complaining and it has not happened yet and already finding reasons on how 52/365 means your DCS will suffer. They will know no different, it is how you portray it to all of them. That you are already resenting and only looking at the negative aspects suggests a mindset that is not looking for solutions for the whole of your family. It is a very slippery slope where EOW becomes Once per Month because the impact and time away from the new family is deemed unacceptable.

Would not suggest the EX did what i did which was drive everytime myself to maintain contact but a more flexible if she has a party that weekend she is with Mum and the weekends are more flexibly arranged to suit.

Am sure you will find the moving around will stop one DSD is in school and child care becomes more stable. Hey she could get a contract close to you and your DP !

I see mine every weekend. Apart from today when they are out with their dad and i am in bed still watching Netflix.

DSS used to come over on Wednesday nights and every second weekend. His mum is recently retraining to become a teacher and needs more support as she has three other kids too (but only DSS with my DH). So we now have him every weekend as well as the Wednesday. His relationship with mine and DHs son has blossomed as a result. He is ten soon and my son is 2.

Does that answer your question OP? Weird topic for a thread.
How often do you all blow your noses?
How often do you go to the library?
🥴

@Carbara

Does that answer your question OP? Weird topic for a thread. How often do you all blow your noses? How often do you go to the library? 🥴

Weird response. People could have valid reasons to ask either of those things. Sometimes people want to know things.

Eow, two teatimes a week and half of all holidays. Hasn’t changed since the order was made 6 years ago.
His mother has tried her best to reduce contact any way she can, even claiming he doesn’t want to stay here a full week e.g Easter and summer. Well he always seems to enjoy himself while here so we put it down to his mum trying to exert control. They recently moved to a house within 10 mins of us (having previously lived 45 mins away) and we were excited thinking contact would be more flexible and DH would be able to do school run on a Monday but nope. Mums made sure it doesn’t happen.