How often do you have your step children?

[Rainydays55]

How often do you have your step children? Has it changed the older they have got?

@Mumbo1234 Can't you take her to Birthday parties and dance classes etc?

EOW, sometimes less. They are 14 and 11 and make up their own minds about what they want to do.

Same with my DD - she's almost 15 and sees her Dad when she wants to, so sometimes it's less than EOW if she's made plans with her mates. Other times she will want to go for the full week in school hols etc.

Basically the schedule on both sides is largely dictated by the kids now due to their ages.

Dd used to go to her father's eow. They moved 4 hours away, so now she sees him for about 20 days a year in school holidays.

@Mumbo1234 I think the only things you can do are move closer or accept doing a lot of driving or she will want to see you less. It's not her fault that her parents don't live near each other so really it's for them to accommodate. Is moving an option for you at the moment?

[quote KylieKoKo]@Mumbo1234 I think the only things you can do are move closer or accept doing a lot of driving or she will want to see you less. It's not her fault that her parents don't live near each other so really it's for them to accommodate. Is moving an option for you at the moment?[/quote]
I think there is a balancing act. We've never lived near DS's Dad and he's always refused to take DS to parties/sporting activities. Now DS is 17 he chooses when he sees his Dad, and it isn't often. I feel that if his Dad had tried to be more accommodating to DS's wants and needs when younger, DS would have more time for him now. It wasn't that he couldn't take him to stuff, he just felt it was his right to always say no

That in mind, I do think there has to be a balance and DS had to understand he couldn't go to everything.

EOW Friday to Sunday evening, and they come for dinner on Tuesdays.

Tbh that would never be enough for me, if I was their parent but they, and DH, seem happy enough with this arrangement. I think men often have a different kind of bond with their dc than women do.

I think I have this perspective as dp and his ex commited to living near each other until the children have grown up and now they are young teens I can't see how it would work otherwise. My parents also separated but always lived close by and I know but teenage years would have been much worse if one of them had decided to move away.

Mumbo - because your posts are about how lockdown means you have not been inconvenienced by x,y and z.

That the new DCs will get less time with their DF because he works during the week but EOW is depriving them of too much!

Driving time is I agree a great time to talk but seriously you are now bringing in the driving time as a reason for reducing contact. This child is 4/5 this is not about her social life yet - it will be and contact will reduce even further.

Your issues with providing child care for her are with your DP not with her.

It is difficult - my DP and I split activities - I drive his 16 yr old to her weekend drama class 50 mins away and he drives mine to rugby 40 mins away and watches. I go to the gym whilst she does drama having joined a gym that lets you access other gyms aside from your main one.

To be honest - you work it out but what you do not do is make thinly veiled excuses for finding it hard.

Friends would agree it definitely changes in the teen years. When young you just do what you are told re contact. As a teen and certainly as an adult you figure out for yourself if little time and effort is made and can decide for yourself whether to maintain contact.

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

Friends would agree it definitely changes in the teen years. When young you just do what you are told re contact. As a teen and certainly as an adult you figure out for yourself if little time and effort is made and can decide for yourself whether to maintain contact.

It's not just if little time and effort is made - things change naturally in the teen years regardless. My DD's dad has always been very involved and spent a lot of time maintaining a good relationship with her. But she often chooses not to go on a planned weekend if her mates are doing something more interesting. It's a natural developmental process a lot of the time.

@gerbilfur

EOW Friday to Sunday evening, and they come for dinner on Tuesdays.

Tbh that would never be enough for me, if I was their parent but they, and DH, seem happy enough with this arrangement. I think men often have a different kind of bond with their dc than women do.

Strange isn't it?! DS's Dad has often gone several weeks between seeing DS - including when he was little and had no phone to speak to him etc. It baffles me, there's no way I could see my children so little. It's not that he couldn't see him, or he was stopped, he just isn't that interested.

@Mumbo1234 can he not work elsewhere? Or commute an hour? A lot of people do. It does seem a bit like you aren't prepared to change anything to keep up the contact so the consequence is likely to be that DSDs relationship with her dad suffers. If you continue to make the choice to live far away your options are see her less or spend a lot of time driving her around.

Every Monday night and every other weekend from Friday evening to Tuesday morning.

I feel like Mumbo1234 is coming in for a lot of unnecessary flak here.. she literally ended her query with the words:

"We want to see her but don’t want her missing out on a social life?

Any advice welcomed."

I can't see how that could be interpreted any other way than she is a considerate SM who is seeking out solutions to facilitate what is best for SD, SD's relationship with her siblings, father and SD's own social life??

Definitely another common case of undair accusations running rife once there is any hint of the second family potentially finding things difficult and seeking support to keep all the plates spinning.

Of course Mumbo1234 doesn't want to negatively impact her own kids' life and relationship with their father, and was looking here for suggestions on how to keep everyone (else) happy. Not tips on how to cut her SD out like a wicked stepmother?!

Damned if you do...

Not a step parent but a RP....
Pre covid DC saw their Dad for about 6 hours on a Saturday. Unless Dad had something better to do. Or step mum needed the car. Or they were having a "family" day out. These cancelled days were never rearranged for another day. No extra days in the holidays. No over nights.

Since covid he's seen them on the doorstep 3 times for 5 mins each time. Obviously he wants to see them more but Boris made it illegal dontcha know.

Oh and he lives a 10 min bus ride/ 20ish min bike ride away. He has a push bike and 2motor bikes. So even when his DW needs the car there's no excuse. :(

Sorry @Mumbo1234 I wasn't trying to have a go at you. I just think it's move or drive a lot in these situations. And by parents I meant your partner and her mum, not you. It's their responsibility to ensure that their split doesn't adversely affect her more than it needs to not yours.

I imagine that her mum constantly moving might need to change once she gets older and is established at school which might make it easier to plan for the future.

@WhatWouldPhyllisCraneDo he sounds a bit useless!