Argument over how to make will with stepchild involved. Help.

[curlywurlywee]

My dh and I have just had a row over making a will. Scenario is: He is my second husband and I have a teenager from my previous marriage. We also have a 4 year old together.

When dh bought the house we live in, he put 40K in and I put 10K in. We also have a joint mortgage.

dh does not want to leave anything of his to my dd, which I can understand. My idea was that my dd should get the 10K and joint dd should get 40K, added to 50% of the equity in the house. dh thinks this means that my dd will get too much.

Does anyone have experience of this and give me some ideas of what's fair. Not sure at mo whether I'm expecting too much.

This can be such a minefield within a step family and I don't think there's any one "right" answer .... so much depends on how you view "joint" assets, and whether children stand to inherit from other parents etc.

Looks like in your case you've effectively decided to ringfence the deposits you put in, i.e. His is his, and yours in yours. That's fine if you'e both happy with that but, for example, other couples view jointly owned property as equally owned irrespective of who put however much deposit in.

Since then, you're suggesting any equity which has accrued is split 50:50 between the girls. I suppose what your DH might be getting at is that (maybe ?) your DD also stands to inherit (potentially) from her biological dad, so she'd then get 10K + 50% + an unknown sum (.... which might be nothing) ....... whereas your joint DD will "only" inherit from the pair of you - therefore her inheritance will only ever be 40K + 50%.

I don't understand how DD can be said to be getting "too much" unless there is an expectation she'll be getting another significant sum from her dad. If that's the case, I do sort of see where DH is coming from, but I also think that it's pretty near impossible to "equalise" inheritances in these situations because you're speculating about what other people may or may not do at some point in the future. It could also be the case (in theory) that both you & DH could die young, yet if DD's dad lived to a ripe old age she'd have to wait years for the "rest" of her inheritance, while watching her younger sister "enjoy" having more money in the meantime.

one option is that the equity after the ringfenced amount is split 50/50 - you split your 50% between both of your children and your dh can split his however he sees fit.

Personally I'd regard all marital assets as 50:50 - and that's what the law uses as a starting point in divorce cases. So your dds should both be treated the same. Doesn't matter if one isn't his biological daughter, they are both children of the marriage living in this house. If he didn't want to treat your dd equally, then he shouldn't have married her mother. Selfish git, IMO.

My DH and his DB are actually half brothers. FIL is only the father of one of them but MIL is the mother of both of them.

MIL and FIL have made their wills out 50/50 for DH and his DB.

Each of you will have a separate will, and you can allocate it however you want, presumably?

Is this for the scenario where you both die together, as otherwise I would expect you to inherit from each other, or are you creating some sort of trust (i.e. if you die your children inherit but your dh gets the right to stay in the home - very common on the continent)?

I have 2 half sibs whose dad is quite wealthy so my mum has put certain assets in my name and left others to be divided equally. They still stand to inherit much more than me overall but I will get more from her iyswim. I wouldn't expect to get anything from sf (he's already contributed plenty to my upbringing)

The way I 'see' it is that

DH owns £40K plus 50% of house & leaves that to his DD

You own £10K plus 50% of house - so you can leave that to whoever you want (but your little DD might be upset that you won't leave any of your money to her) - in your situation I would leave half to each child (5K plus 25%) - but that's just me

Totally agree with Katymac...that sounds the fairest.

I would like to add that maybe it depends on your older DD's father (is he leaving her any money etc?).

When you and DH are "gone", what is left behind is two girls who are sisters and equals. It would be strange for them if they were treated unequally and that is why I am asking if your older DD's father is going to leave her any money. That would then make it understandable if your younger DD is having a bigger share of your and DH current house. My gut feeling, however, is that 50/50 is the best way to go.

Agree with Edam.

Thanks for all your great advice. My dh does want to ringfence 50% of the equity for our dd together. If he died before me, I would have only 50% of the equity but would be allowed to live in the house until I died, just like ib said. My dd will get a good sum from her natural father eventually so maybe the 10K + 25% would be a good idea.

It's also an emotional thing because I want to protect my dd and she doesn't get on well with sf. They are definitiely not treated equally for many reasons.

It's such a minefield and I suppose I want what's fair but feel that because I don't work and he pays the mortgage, I'm not entitled to 50% - which I know is ridiculous but his family are so precious about their "family money".

we don't have a will for exactly the same reason - we can't agree. DH who has a son from his first marriage thinks everything should be split 3 ways. I think as katymac says I should be able to split my 50% between our two boys and he should be able to split his 50% between his 3 boys. Especially as ss's mother is loaded and grandparents are millionaires a few times over on paper and he will inherit that eventually (that's a given not an assumption).

We have argued for 11 years, hope you sort it sooner

Sibble, sounds like a nightmare. How do you feel about it and is it a major problem or just a niggle?

I think your idea sounds good and fair. I have a feeling it will be a long time before we agree aswell!

There are two points that occur to me.

Firstly the time value of money. £10k in 50 years' time is likely to be a meaninglessly small amount of money. £40k probably not much more. The real value of that money is what it bought you in terms of the property, and this should hopefully increase out of all proportion to the original deposit.

So my suggestion would be leave the house entirely divided in terms of percentages. Take a house with a total cost of £100k - unlikely I know but the arithmetic is easy.

£10k or 10% would belong to your teenager. £40k or 40% would belong to your little one. Say you agree to split the remainder 50:50 this would mean that half the value of the house should go to each daughter, so 25% each. So your teenager would get 35% of the value of the house and your little one 65%.

You have not said so, but I wonder if your DH's objection arises from him paying the majority of the mortgage? If he is paying all/most of it, he may object to leaving 50% to someone who is not biologically his daughter. Is that it?

If you are a stay at home mom, you work...just not in an office. Give yourself the credit you deserve. If you are married and he pays the mortgage and you look after the home then apart from the initial money down....they house should be owned equally by the two of you.
Having said all of that, it sounds like you have some deeper issues. Maybe a family counselor might help. Perhaps things will also improve when your daughter is no longer a teenager. They are enough to drive anyone crazy; I have 3 teenage stepchildren who I am avoiding until they grow older (easy because they live in another country) and dh is now avoiding because he can't handle them on his own. I'm sure it will improve.

curlywurlywee - it's only a problem when we talk about it if that makes sense! it comes up when we renew the mortgage etc.... I know we should have a will a friend my age has recently been diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer - it makes you think. I think dh is after events over the past year ready to rethink though....

ss's been expelled from a few schools, sent to live with his grandparents as his mother couldn't cope any more (he wouldn't come here, he doesn't cope well with house rules), has run away from his grandparents house as they were too strict with him (made him do his homework, go to school and had a hissy fit when he was too hung over to go to school ). Is into drugs etc and his daft mother panders to him and indirectly funds it all. We get emails every now and then asking for money to bail him out or pay for some new whim (surf boards, guitars, week retreats because he's a bit run down ) dh said last week enough was enough he needs to get a saturday job, go to school etc.... we havn't heard from either of them since. Now seems a good time to raise the subject of the will He needs to learn values, respect and responsibility not know that should something happen to both of us he'll be getting another batch of money to do what he wants with. I have to say we're not rich, but we are comfortable we made quite a bit of money selling our house in the UK and moving to NZ so now have a nice lifestyle but both dh and I grew up to single mothers in state housing, everything we have we have worked bloody hard for and I object to leaving it to somebody who thinks money's easy come easy go etc...

Maybe it's more of a sore subject than I thought

i think what you've suggested is fine but could you suggest 5k plus 50% of the equity?

also if there was no will how would a court settle this does anyone know?

As a step daughter myself I know when my Dad dies (which I presume will be bfore my stepmum) everything he owns will go to her and she will make sure that her daughter gets 90% of evrything leaving myself and my 3 brothers with 10% between us.

I really couldn't care less how much I got money wise as long as we all got the same, knowing that this wont happen and knowing that my step sister has always been favoured sickens me, not just because my stepmum does it so openly but because my Dad is to cowardly to do anything about it.

Tread carefully, if you must give differing amounts then make sure you make it quite clear why don't leave your children guessing why one got more than the other.

Personally without wanting to be offensive, your other half sounds really selfish, when you got togther he took on you and your daughter and your children should be teated equally!

Perhaps I should also add that I have a step dad myself. I have no idea how my parents have written their will but would understand (obviously) if iw was written in the way I want to write mine.

The other option we have discussed is to have the 'assets' valued at the time either of us die and that is the value that is divided according to our living will when the remaining partner dies. This stops it becoming even more of a nightmare if either of us meets somebody new and the scenario starts again.

My understanding is if either dies without a will the money automatically goes to the surviving partner who can then do what they want with it. Meaning that children can get left out of an inheritance. It all sounds so cold - tahnk God I'm not rich and famous and have to do a pre-nup as well. At least we only did a lets sell my flat, your flat and buy a house now how do we split it

If it's any help this is what I have done...

My dh has 3 children from previous relationships in addition to the 2 we have together. When we married, he had nothing and I had a significant amount of assets and stand to inherit a significant amount of money from my parents. We then bought and eventually sold property (down payment and mortgage financed by my parents and myself), but worked on by dh (he was a builder). I have made a will that leaves everything to my children (dh is their father) for them to get when they are 35 (to make sure that they get jobs in the meantime) and for dh (and our kids) to live off the proceeds in the meantime (to be managed by my parents). In addition I made a joint will with dh for when we both die that leaves a significant (stated) sum to each of my stepchildren (his children) when they turn 18 (not my battle to make sure they become working productive members of society) so that there is no question about whether there is part of "my" estate that may belong to dh. In addition to that, I have made a side written agreement with dh that states that a specified percentage of the money and property (that is all in my name) is his. Having said all of that, I have made a point of not telling my stepchildren that there is anything in my will for them because they hate and resent me and I don't really want them to have any additional reason (besides my mere existance on earth) to wish me dead.

Thanks for all this. It's very interesting to hear all the different view points. SofiaAmes yours sounds very complicated but I guess it has to be if there is a lot of money involved. Feel very sad for you that your stepchildren don't like you. Why is this? It's so difficult isn't it and a source of loads of tension. Do they live with you?

JW your lot seems unfair. This is what I'm afraid of with my dd - I don't want her to feel second best, which I know she does feel from my dh - not from me at all, in fact I'm always defending her.

Like your suggestion QC - seems fairer. My dh is determined that my dd will not get any of what he thinks of as his money - mostly because he knows her dad is reasonably well off and also because they don't get on well. Makes me feel I'm in the middle of constant conflict - which I am. It's hardwork being part of a step family isn't it.