It's not getting any better

[Sillysandy]

This will probably be long. I would really appreciate some advice.

To start; I hold my hands up and admit I made some naive decisions.

I met my partner four years ago. He has three children and had been broken up with their mother for two years. We moved in together very quickly, more for logistical reasons than anything else. The children (teens) had no opportunity to get to know me nor me then.

We muddled along quite well for a while. Despite me not having children of my own I think I have a lot of empathy and patience. But we had not planned adequately and were trying to figure out things along the way. I never felt like a stepmum, just dad's girlfriend (which I was) and that was fine. The kids liked me even if they didn't like the situation.

His children are not easy and the breakup with their mother was appallingly acrimonious. I felt I played mediator a lot and felt worn out with it. His eldest two are now NC with him. He has tried therapy with them and got nowhere. They believe a lot of stuff which isn't true (I can say firsthand) and then there is a complicated emotional overhang from the marital breakup which I have lots of opinions on but I didn't know them then so it's purely speculation on my part.

He and I have a child of our own now. His youngest (she is now 14) does talk and visit but is very demanding, very rude and very self entitled.

I know life is not perfect for her but we truly try our best to give her a secure home, space of her own, time with her dad, sensitivity around the arrival of a new 'youngest'. I get it's been hard. I don't expect it to be all sunshine and rainbows.

But, it's not getting any better. She is horrible to our daughter, her sister. It's nearly three years now since the baby was born and she hasn't warmed to her at all. We cannot leave them alone at all as my DSD would not pick her up if she fell or communicate with her at all. Even leaving the room briefly I've overheard very harsh tellings off, stealing her baby sister's food. If I ever say something like "help her onto the seat, she's slipping" she will calmly remind me it was my choice to have a child and if I wasn't prepared to take responsibility for her I shouldn't have had her. I find this unusual wording for a teen and like she is repeating another adult's words.

My daughter adores her big sister, follows her around and if she got a hug (it has never ever happened) she would probably explode with excitement. I do insist my DSD says hello back to her but that is as far as it goes. She openly insults her. Thankfully as this stage my daughter doesn't seem too bothered but I've noticed she is getting shy about approaching her and will whisper to me to go and see her sister with her. My DSD never held her as a baby except when instructed to by her father and would hold her out away from her body in protest.

I really don't know what to do. I'm not sure what I'm looking for here. I've tried to talk to her. She simply says "it's fine" and shuts down.

The sad reality is I know I'm the adult in this situation but it is so hard to rise above it. I find it hard not to dislike her. She is very demanding, opinionated, critical in general and I find myself snapping at her or engaging in arguments which is frankly pathetic. I know she's young, I know she's trying to find her place in the new setup, I know she's been let down by adults and keen to protect herself.

I am just struggling so much. I'm so tired. I've been critically ill for a year and am in recovery but it's a long slow road. I buried a parent last year. His family are religious and traditional and do not approve of his second family so treat me like a second class citizen. None of his children or family sent me condolences or a get well message. Plus I feel like I put so much into the initial arrangement when all three stepkids were here and got horrendous abuse and treatment that I just wanna prioritise myself and my daughter now.

I’m sitting here imagining how wounding it would be to see my son reaching out to DSD only to be rejected.
It took my breath away. Just awful.
Protect her from this girl at all costs. Even at the cost of your relationship if that’s what you decide it will take. She doesn’t deserve this and will only become more aware of it as she gets older, and more hurt by it.

I wouldn’t be allowing my 3 year old to be anywhere near the SD, sorry but a 3 year old needs protecting from that kind of behaviour.

I agree with the PP post - "The reality is that you moved into and then had a child in an already disfunctional family"

I know you admit to being naive but bringing another child into this mess was always going to breed more resentment and unhappiness.

Your dd is young and precious and needs her mum to be authentic, happy, in a good place. The seething away I just couldn’t live with. I just couldn’t. Your DP either gets DSD to start behaving respectfully to everyone. Or you go. I can’t see any other solution.

Do you have RL support? Step mum stuff can be super isolating.

Can you go to a friend? To your mum? Have a breather?

It must have been very hard for everyone -including your dsd - this past year, with you being so ill and lockdown at the same time. But this has to change now. You have to make it clear to your dh that either he expects dsd to stop taking out her anger at the adults in her life on her little sister, or you will have to remove the little sister from such an unhappy home.

I feel for dsd too, it sounds as though she is carrying so much pain and distress, but she needs to be helped, not pandered to - for her own benefit as much as you and your dd.

Im afraid I can't help but think poorly of your dp here, but I wont rehash as that's been said upthread. But if your dp really can't see how awful this is for everyone, and accept that he has to step up and do everything in his power to help all his children (and i don't have advice on exactly w hat, but it's not just ignoring the situation) then im not sure there is much hope for your relationship.

Perhaps acknowledging to dsd how hard it has been for her with your illness taking her dad's attention and energy (im sure this has added significantly to the tension?) might be a placd for you and him to start? Just a thought.

I have to be honest, I'd be insisting his contact took place outside my home. I'd say different if we were talking about a younger stepchild but at 14 she is old enough to know how spiteful and hurtful she's being to a tiny child. Could his parents accommodate this?

Your dd is precious op. His dd is a totally different kind of precious.
Don't ever confuse the 2 or allow him to.
Better get out now before dd is old enough to realise... Leaving them in the same room never must but be draining.. Any incidents in the future I can't imagine dh standing by you and your small dd can you?

I was a PIA at fourteen, it isn't unusual! One day, I came down in the morning to a large dent in the washing machine. Gave my dad a puzzled look, and he said 'just be glad that wasn't you'. I'd pissed my SM (more Sound of Music than Snow White) off mightily, and the white goods got used as target practice

Just saying that even if SD was a DD, you might still get some horrendous behaviour at that age. No advice though, just sympathy.

How awful OP, this made me so sad to read, especially the bit about her telling her off and taking her food! I would REALLY struggle but I think I'd be distancing myself and the little one and allowing your DP to have time alone with her, whilst escaping the difficult nature of being in her company with your daughter for yourself! Xx

My dbro (full sibling) bullied me from as far as I can remember, he was 5 years older than me.The stuff he did was awful because he was jealous of my very existence being the youngest and the only girl. He shattered my confidence and because of that I didn't feel happy or secure in my home. He was very sneeky about it but it dented my confidence considerably I became within drawn and closed off. I have zero happy memories with him and as an adult I'm NC. As a full sibling I dint have an escape but your witnessing poor behaviour towards your dd please protect her and leave.

I get that DSD seems to have issues possibly from shitty parenting and that’s a real shame.

Her issues are manifesting in awful behaviour and there is no way I’d expose my child to it.

Dad doesn’t sound the greatest and quite frankly I’d put my child first and leave.

Avoiding DSD is an option but also sounds like I’m doing so DD is hidden?

So I’d call time on this family. I agree with a previous poster - it sounds dysfunctional and I’ll be damned to become a part of that.

I'm sorry OP I have to agree with others, the thought of my DS being treated like that by his siblings makes me feel so sad.

Your DSD has understandable issues and I think you know it wasn't initially dealt with in the best way, you moving in so quickly etc... But quite honestly all of that would be completely secondary to now prioritising my own child's happiness.

And of course you find yourself disliking her, she doesn't sound very likeable.

The day tour DD was born was the best day of your life. It's hard to conceive it but it was probably the worse for your DSD.

Not only did she had to adjust with no say to you taking a it more away of the reduced attention she had from her dad, but before she knew it, she had to give even more away to a baby she knew her dad was overjoyed to get.

That's a lot to expect from a just turned teenager. Some are naturally attracted to babies and that makes up a bit for it, but some just see babies as nothing but pests.

You need to accept this OP. You can't make her live your DD, be excited that she is part of her life and enjoy her presence.

Things will likely get better. She is at a difficult age where teenagers especially think the world revolve around them. In the meantime just keep your DD away from her. It is sad for her, but you can't force what's not there.

Thanks for all the replies. They vary wildly and it's good to see all the different perspectives.

OP , it may be time for you and your husband to seek professional help and counseling to deal with the dysfunction in your home.

Much of the dysfunction probably stems from the manner and timing of your introduction into the home, but that is water under the bridge and cannot be changed.

It is apparent that for reasons of your own , you are unwilling to exit this situation The remaining solution is to seek help that involves your husband In trying to find a way in which you can better navigate the situation.

Any effective solution must involve buy-in from your husband , and tbh his past actions have not demonstrated much respect for his children or for you.

Your husband has managed to alienate 50,% of his children and may be working towards alienating 75% of his children. This trend should give you pause to think what effect his callous and self centered decision making will likely have on child #4.

You owe to your daughter to try and create a better environment, and even if you were able to ban the 14 year old from her life, she would still be living with a father who thought and likely still thinks that it was acceptable to move a woman that he barely knew and to whom his children had never been introduced into his home. Is this the kind of thinking and decision making that you wish to have guiding your daughter's life?

@Pumpkyumpkyumpkin

I have to be honest, I'd be insisting his contact took place outside my home. I'd say different if we were talking about a younger stepchild but at 14 she is old enough to know how spiteful and hurtful she's being to a tiny child. Could his parents accommodate this?

So would I.

She sounds like she doesn't even want to be there, and at 14 isn't she old enough to make that choice?

I'm ignoring all the posters saying your husband is basically shit at parenting as his children are NC. It's NEVER that straightforward and often things occur because of the influence of the other parent. I have witnessed this in several friends and family relationships (on both sides of the fence...one of my friends poisoned her daughter against her ex).

There's no way I have my child treated like that in their own home. I have my issues with my SC but they dote on our DC.

Agree that ther other parent (the mother of the teen) is implicated in this wider situation.

But it’s not anything to do with the OP.

The dad as usual is key and as so often happens seems unable to insist on minimum standards of respectful behaviour in this particular home. And that is ALL - 100% - on him.