Who pays for contact?

[alittlebitofgin]

I am asking for a friend of mine. Her child has recently gone to live with her dad and at first ex who drop her off at mums and then collect her afterwards. However I think he got fed up with my friend expecting it and then changing the days/times and has now said she has to do the collection and drop off and she is saying she cannot afford to do it. Please can someone tell me how it usually works?

In my experience it's usually shared equally but I don't think these things are usually formalised.

If both parents are grownups who understand they need to put their child's wellbeing first, and that it is in the child's best interests to have smooth and untroubled relocations between the home of the two parents who love them very much, then usually a sensible compromise is worked out between the parents which takes into account both the income and the time commitments of each parent and shares the impact equally between them.

If one parent is a nasty, abusive or controlling person who is using the child(ren) as a tool for revenge and/or ongoing control post-breakup then the other parent who actually loves the child(ren) will tend to bear more of the burden because they know they can't make their ex suddenly become a decent person.

It is about compromise and the children get to see nrp.

When we first spectated. The children's father did the picking up/dropping off. But he would mess about keep us waiting etc. So I did the drop offs so we weren't all sat around waiting. We are both local so it is no problem.

I felt it wasn't fair as I did all the running around in the week for the children's activities. School run etc. And received no child support. It is the right thing to do for the children though and takes the game playing away

My partner is the nrp but we have DSS about 40% of the time. Both parents move about 20 minutes away from the original town they lived in so now a 45 min drive between the home.
She has done the drive once in 4 years but DP or me do it 2-4 times a week during term.

DH is the NRP. Usually he picks DSD up from her mums then her mum picks her up from ours at the end of the weekend. DH also sees her one night in the weeks and picks up and drops off. It’s nearly always been half and half, but is flexible, if we’re out and on our way home we might drop her off on the way, or if her mum is out and about she might drop DSD off here.

In my experience NRP.

It depends on the situation.. with ds1’s dad, I moved away, so it was agreed - through court - that the travel should be 50/50. When I split from ds2’s dad, and we lived local to each other, we generally handed off at a neutral location (good reasons for this). He then moved further away to live with his dp. I’m not in a position to drive the 2hr+ round trip, so his dad does the collection and drop off. So generally ime NRP does at least 50% of the travel, but a big part depends on distance, who - if anyone - moved further out, and other factors such as disability.

There is no normal in these situations.

However have it in mind that your friend cannot force her child's father to do the drop-offs and pick ups, and this includes even if your friend went to Court. All the father needs to do is make the child available at times and days agreed in advance.

If your friend is arguing she doesn't have money to visit her own child then how is she going to pay for anything the child needs e.g. food, having the heating on, when the child is with her?

So if your friend wants to see her child then as she doesn't live with the child she needs to put on her big girl pants to do the drop off and collect her child.

BTW my partner like a few other parents I know use a neutral place. So both parents have to make the effort to travel there. Where one parent has moved so the meeting place isn't local then it's just tough, they (or a suitable adult) still have to get to the meeting location on time.

Depends on the situation but I don't think it's fair to expect any one parent to have shoulder all the burden of drop-offs and collections.

We tend to collect if it's our contact time. Works well for us.

It reads your friend nrp. Keeps swapping tines, and expecting drop off who moved, how far away, is transport accessible.

The nrp can't afford it? Nrp usually have move option to increase income.

No where near enough information.

We both share drop offs and pick ups 50/50 here.

My OH does 50/50 with his ex. His ex is the one who moved away and made contact harder.

They also reasoned that it's nicer for the children if the one having the contact picks them up rather than drop them off as they were a bit sensitive about "being got rid of"

That is really useful and thank you everyone who responded

I do think unless the RP has moved away that the NRP should do the pick ups and drop offs. The RP is shouldering the vast majority of responsibility all week.

How far apart are you in travel time. OP? And who moved away?

Neither moved away but the NRP is not doing any of the travel to pick up drop off etc and it's only 5 miles away and on a bus route. But she can't see that she is being unreasonable asking ex to do it all because he drives

Ah right. So it’s a short journey but she is suddenly saying she cannot afford the bus fare?

This is tricky. Is he tempted to call her bluff?

How much does the bus cost? It’s not his fault she doesn’t drive. Is she paying maintenance? If not he might be less inclined to help her out when he’s doing the bulk of the parenting.

Hopefully they can work something out.

Money better spent on the child than bus fare. Also the bus will always take longer and eat into contact time, it’s nothing for a driver to do 5 miles. Also what happens when it’s raining and cold. So the child gets cold and wet just so one parent can make a point. We always did the driving, never bothered us.

My ex does all the pick ups and drop off, we'll he did until the dc were big enough to cycle to his house on their own. Now he only sees them if they put in the effort to get there.

Reasons being he chose to leave/move away (he did move closer again when he met his DW)
I don't drive and he does.
He pays FA CM and sometimes doesn't give them dinner as he "can't afford it". I'm fucked if I'm paying/ spending time facilitating him.

Although when I had a DP he occasionally dropped off/ picked up or my mum did if I was working and ex couldn't for whatever reason.

Normally DP's ex brings them here and he drops them home but they are flexible and sometimes he'll collect them if his ex is busy or if we out as they live local. I think the best arrangements are flexible.