Half Sibling Advice

[Threeundertwo2]

I’ve had a tough week with step parenting so it’s a long one.

I have a 4 year old DSD and a 2 year old DD. I have been in DSD life since she was a baby as DH and ex split before she was born - DSD doesn’t know any different than the current set up.

Recently, she has started acting out a bit with DD - snatching, not sharing, telling her off, being bossy and rude. Typical sibling stuff. This has escalated a bit to asking me to put DD to bed, locking DD out of rooms and not being happy about having to share attention with DD. DSD has also started mimicking DD ie talking like a 2 year old, gesturing for things instead of asking, etc.

On the other side, DD seems to be really noticing the “disruption” (for want of a better word) when DSD is here. Just not her usual self, not wanting to play with DSD, quiet, etc.

The other thing I’m worried about is different house rules. DSD is pretty good at knowing we often have different rules to her mum but my concern is bedtime. DSD co-sleeps with mum, she also sits with her while she falls asleep. DH or I end up sitting with DSD until she falls asleep, in the night she’ll shout of DH and he ends up going to sleep with her.
With our own DD, we did loads of work with bedtime to avoid that - she’s pretty good at settling herself, I rarely sleep in her room unless she’s having a really bad night and DH has work so needs his sleep. I don’t feel like this difference is fair on DD.

I know a lot of this is just general sibling behaviour but I don’t feel like the relationship is established enough for that (DSD here EOW). DSD does attend nursery full time so she does have interactions with other children too.

I’m concerned that either child is going to resent the other...plus it can be a bit wearing at times!

Anyone have any experience of this?

I should have said, it’s just her and mum and home. No siblings, etc.

She is only really young still and she's probably just realising she has to share! She goes home to her mom and she doesn't have to share, has her mom to herself then she comes to you and it's back to sharing toys and fighting for the adults attention. She's still learning and it will get better with time, your dd will also go through this phase at some point, at the moment I'm guessing she idolises her big sis and just wants to play all the time so I understand it can be upsetting to see her being bossed around etc

Thanks, @elsaesmeralda. I hope you’re right.

DD did idolise DSD being with us but that seems to wear off after a day or so now. Then she jut seems to go really quiet...I’ve not wanted to say to DH but she is really giddy the day after DSD is back with mum. I don’t really know what to do to help them “bond”.

She's four. Lots of children struggle with sharing their parents attention when a new sibling arrives. This can naturally be made more difficult when they don't live together full time. The fact that you
want to help them bond means they will probably be fine.

To help them build their relationship, make sure you give both girls equal attention (I know she's your stepdaughter and mumsnet loves to point out that stepmums don't have to love their stepchildren, but at her age she simply can't be expected to understand why her younger sister receives more love and attention at dad's house.).

You could also try offering lots of praise when either child does anything nice with/for her sister... even if It's something really basic like 'wow, you two are watching TV together really well! You're such great sisters'.

In terms of differences in parenting through the night, I'm not sure what to suggest. Ideally that's something to agree before another child is brought into the picture. I'd be tempted to wait until the other behaviours improve before addressing this though. Talking in baby talk and jealous behaviour indicates that your stepdaughter is feeling insecure. Her dad stopping comforting her during the night won't help with these issues.

Oh and just for peace of mind, I tried to sell my little sister when I was your stepdaughter's age... she's my best friend now so it's not necessarily an indication of what their bond will be like long term.

That sounds hard, I agree the baby talk etc is annoying but I'd roll with that and focus any reprimands on the things that really aren't acceptable, like shutting dd2 out of rooms.

With going to sleep, it's extremely normal for children to have different rules withe with different carers and j think that should be something you could still consider. My eldest often coslept with me but didn't with my (then) DH, similarly they've slept differently with child carers and grandparents. Does she like audiobooks? They could be a gentle way to wean her from being sat with, she could be excited to choose some too.

Has her mum said anything about her behaviour at home, or is it just with you?

@Milkshake7489
Thank you for replying. The needing DH to be with her is quite new in the night too...a few months ago, she would go to sleep after a story and if she did wake in the night then I could put her straight to bed. The current bed time routine only started a few months ago. DSD mum did stop consleeping when, we suspect, she had a new partner. This has started again now. I don’t know what age people generally stop cosleeping?

We praise sooo much and DSD does take it on board ie she’ll say “look, I’m doing such good sharing” before we can comment. Another thing she’s started is copying her sister like if DD falls and cries, gets comforted then DSD will pretend to do the same. I know it’s general attention seeking but I’m not sure why it’s only just started.

I can absolutely promise you that the children receive equal love and attention. I really do love DSD to bits. It’s the dynamic of things and the impact it’s having on the children that I’m finding tough.

@OverTheRubicon thank you for replying. We’ve tried Moshi app but she said it’s too noisy!

DSD went through a period of not wanting to come to our house or speak to us at all. Her mum made her but it resulted in huge tantrums. Then one day, she just got over it.
DH spoke with mum about DSD not wanting to visit and mentioned that she sometimes struggled with sharing. Mum was just really defensive and dismissive. Unfortunately, we have a poor relationship with mum so conversations like that aren’t productive

My DSD coslept with her mum consistently from her parents split before she was one. It sure complicates the situation but we persevered with her sleeping in her own bed and she knew she could hop in with us in the early morning. Her dad also went in every single time she shouted for him to reassure her and around just before the age of five she stopped waking up in the night and calling for her dad. Have hope!

Next time she asks you to lock DD out of a room, or says put her to bed, or is bossy.... come down to her level and ask how she would feel if she was locked in another room on her own.

Or if she'd like to be put to bed... before bedtime. Just reverse it always speaking calmly in a non threatening manner.

Of course she wouldn't like it in reverse, so you tell her DD wouldn't like it either, because it's not nice and how it's important to be kind.

Empathy is important from a young age.

Not judging co-sleeping in general but letting a 4yo fall asleep on the sofa every night and then cosleeping, then playing musical beds when a partner is staying then back to co-sleeping, sounds hugely unhelpful For DSD (and you guys). If you feel up to it and your DH is supportive I think it’s well worth investing in great sleep hygiene/routine for her while she is at yours. As you say, children are hugely adaptable.

How does your DH respond when big DD is unpleasant to/about little DD?

How often do you see DSD and how much 1:1 time does she get with her dad? If it’s EOW then worth increasing the 1:1 to see if it makes a difference. Perhaps some nice ‘big girl’ and Daddy rituals now that lockdown is easing?