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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

SC refusing the visit

19 replies

Ohpulltheotherone · 26/03/2021 18:52

Name change but regular poster, this one is a bit close to home!

2 SC, come every week. 9&10. Ive been with DP 5 years, live together, kids etc.

DP and ex been split 7 years, very toxic and lots of withholding of access in the earlier years but has been fairly event free in more recent times.

SC1 (10) is refusing to come, we don’t know why. There were a few weeks where they didn’t come - several reasons which include DP having medical treatment, both households being in isolation for 2 weeks in consecutive weeks and then ex said they were all “busy” for 2 weeks - not sure how? There’s nowhere to go. Anyway, it ended up several weeks without them being here.

DP went to pick them up 3 weeks ago, DC1 cried and refused to come. SC2 absolutely fine, got in the car and hasn’t had any issues.
This is now the 3rd week SC2 hasn’t come.

DP doesn’t know what to do. He’s tried to engage SC, tried to talk to her, asked what is wrong etc.

Nothing has happened, last time we saw them before the break they were fine, happy as Larry.

What would be the best approach? Has anyone dealt with this before? Is it a phase?

There hasn’t been any event, nothing has happened as such but I wonder if just as SC has gotten older they’ve realised their mum really don’t like their dad and is open about it (openly calls him names down the phone or criticises his appearance when he does the pick ups etc) and now they feel guilty seeing their dad? Like it’s a betrayal?

The other thing is DP is a bit stricter - doesn’t let them wear make up, doesn’t let her have her phone at the house (because the ex constantly messages and rings and he doesn’t want the intrusion on his contact time), I think she just thinks life is easier at her mums and she gets more of her way. Being a pre term I think this is really relevant.

We just don’t know what to do, he wants to do something but he doesn’t want to be the bad guy where the ex uses the “your dad is making me go to court / forcing you to see him” line but at the same time he doesn’t want to just leave it and let this detachment grow.

It’s just so hard to know how to address it when SC wont talk to partner and the ex won’t even respond to messages or talk about it. She point blank refuses to facilitate or help work out what the issue is. She literally doesn’t care about maintaining a good relationship between SC and their dad.

Has anyone else’s SC been through this stage? Should we leave it? Should we engage a solicitor?

It feels like the very real beginning of parental alienation.

Sorry this is long and rambling.

OP posts:

Original poster

Ohpulltheotherone · 26/03/2021 18:55

Oh god sorry for the appalling S&G, I’ve been cooking dinner and sorting kids whilst typing!

To clarify - 2 SC, SC1 won’t engage. SC2 absolutely fine and coming as usual.

OP posts:

Threeundertwo2 · 26/03/2021 19:49

We’re having it with my nearly 4yo SC at the moment...she says it’s because mummy will be sad all on her own.

We have a court order in place the mum won’t breach so we’re lucky that she still insists on her coming. It makes handovers very difficult (I wish communication was good enough to have an plan we follow) but SD is absolutely fine once she’s in the house.

I’ve done a bit of Googling on it. A lot of the time it’s due to the children not being prepared enough for the change.

We try to FaceTime SD the night before she’s here to tell her what we’ve planned for that weekend, etc. even if it’s just gardening or something small. On the day she goes back to mums, we try to talk to her about the week ahead and what she might be doing.

She might be a bit old for it to apply to but 9 is still quite young to be dealing with conflicting emotions.

Threeundertwo2 · 26/03/2021 19:52

Even though her mum doesn’t tell her, we always reassure her that mummy is happy that SD spends time and daddy’s house. When she goes back to mum, we always tell her to have a lovely time, etc.

Being super positive really seems to be helping.

Maybe you could start reintroducing time by spending just the day together...picnic, treating them to some new clothes. She might just feel a bit socially awkward after a break...it’s hard with lockdown to think of novel ways to entertain for the day!

Original poster

Ohpulltheotherone · 26/03/2021 21:10

I was wondering if there was an awkwardness around the break and she’s feeling insecure about coming back.

I thought with her sibling coming for a few weeks it would make her feel reassured and she’d probably turn up this week but apparently she didn’t even get out of her mums car or even look at DP.

Apparently both SC went through this stage when they were around 5/6, I definitely think there’s a stage element but it’s really worrying that now she’s older she may be seeing and hearing things from her mum and is reacting to that

OP posts:

Artesia · 26/03/2021 21:17

I wouldn’t necessarily jump to assuming parental alienation. Pre-Covid DS (13) used to go to his dad every other weekend, but for the last few years he’s been increasingly reluctant to go. No problems with his dad, enjoys seeing him and step-siblings, but he would just prefer to be at home, in his usual surroundings, with the ability to meet up with his friends etc.

It’s hard but as they get older they become more independent- they don’t necessarily want “quality time” with parents. A lot of my day to day parenting involves quietly co-existing, providing food, and being here when DS wants to talk or needs me, whereas when he sees his Dad there’s more of a sense of “visiting”, rather than getting on with his normal life, if that makes sense?

Threeundertwo2 · 26/03/2021 21:28

I think you might be on the right lines with insecurity. She’s got comfy at home and just wants to relax in familiar surroundings on her weekend, especially as she’ll be back at school now (i assume).

I’d look at planning days out, movie days, etc. without an overnight stay. Hopefully you can build it back up again. Reassure her how happy you are that she’s there, ask if she wants to stay for tea, etc.

I was a right home body at that age!

Akaroacanon · 01/04/2021 17:46

I’ve been a step parent for 30 years. Sometimes good times, often not so good. I’ve recently read Professor Lisa Doodson’s help guide on her website “Happy Steps”. It’s full of really helpful tips and ideas (she’s a psychologist & step parent herself). I highly recommend- I think you’ll find something to help.

dontdisturbmenow · 01/04/2021 19:12

Why assume it's because if the mum when it wasn't an issue before and things were more tense and there are no issues with dsc2?

Could he talk to her and suggest that she can go in her phone but at specific times?

Schmoozer · 01/04/2021 19:42

It’ll be the stricter parent issue and phone issue
I’ll wager !!

cansu · 01/04/2021 20:05

She may well prefer to be at home because she doesn't like dad's rules. Have a good hard look at those rules and think about whether they are right for her age. Think about what they are for. Are they for your benefit or hers? Most teens have access to their phones except at bedtime. I think the age of sc1 is relevant.

cansu · 01/04/2021 20:09

I also think the idea of controlling the phone so as to stop contact with mum is controlling. As children get older they have more say in what they do. If your dp continues to try and control the visits in this way she will vote with her feet. Maybe he needs to be more relaxed. So what if she rings.

cansu · 01/04/2021 20:14

It also seems like the relationship between the parents is very poor. This is something that should have become easier over time. The comments about not allowing the phone to prevent interference from ex etc show that the parental issues have been having an influence for some time. When the teen years begin parents need to be relaxed and able to pick their battles. Supporting one another us also helpful. The ex won't help now is very difficult but perhaps unsurprising.

SionnachRua · 01/04/2021 20:14

Most teens have access to their phones except at bedtime. I think the age of sc1 is relevant

Except the age of the SC is stated in the opening post? She's 10, a preteen yes but certainly not a teen.

OP I'd put money on it being a stricter parent issue. Preteens in general can be tricky.

Doidontimmm · 01/04/2021 20:40

It’s the phone I bet!

cansu · 01/04/2021 21:15

Sorry I didn't see the age.
At ten I would be going down the line of phone allowed at specific times or maybe not during meals or during family activities. I would loosen the rules about contact with mum. I think she is too young to just be voting with her feet. Dad needs to pick her up and go for a walk and a chat with her. Just this. Not an overnight stay. Just a chat to find out what is the problem. He could say he is open to changing rules etc but they need to talk about it.

MzHz · 03/04/2021 17:28

It’s possibly the phone and the rules, but think about it, if sc2 goes then she gets her mum to herself - and that is good

Nothing anyone can do about it, but hope that she’ll come round eventually

Think you will have to rethink the phone thing tho

We had this when oh dd was smaller, the mother would phone and text and all designed to turn her dd into an anxious and triggered mess so that she’d ruin the time dd would have with her dad.

It was awful to watch. The last time she came was 4 days of absolute hell on earth- worsened by the passage of time and the inability to remove the phone - I’ve no idea if her dm did her usual tricks, but that girl never relaxed for a second and got steadily worse over the time spent here.

I suppose the best option is that your h just keeps trying, keeps reminding her he’s there

Perhaps he could offer to see just her for something fun once things open back up?

Lassolarry1980 · 03/04/2021 17:34

What’s it like at yours?
Does she have own room or share?
Get on with her half siblings?

Lassolarry1980 · 03/04/2021 17:34

Sometimes at this age it’s all about the practical.... do I have my space, toys, clothes that I like around me.

aSofaNearYou · 03/04/2021 17:59

@Lassolarry1980

Sometimes at this age it’s all about the practical.... do I have my space, toys, clothes that I like around me.

Yes I agree with this. My SS once told us that he would happily not see any of my partner's side of the family again so he didn't have to go a night without his space rocket bed.

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