BF Ex playing games with kids and I don't know how to help

[NCISGibbs]

The background is that they have been separated for some time, we have been seeing each other since 6 months after they split, its now been over a year of us being together and this last week we have introduced our kids into the mix.
His boys have always know me as his friend and my kids the same.
They approached him and said they would like it if we could be BF and GF and he said he would ask me for them.
It was a very natural and organic process and all of our children are very happy.
However, He respectfully let his STBExW know that the children now know.
She went a bit ballistic in front of the kids, she sat them down as was shouting at my BF and was saying to the kids 'thats it now, do you realise that now he is with her we will never get back together'
' no mum and dad together- ever!!'
the children already knew that as him and STBExW share care and have just applied for decree nisi, but seeing their mum visibly upset and shouting really upset the kids.
Because of this the children said 'but we love '*' and want her and daddy to be BF and GF'
que her going ballistic again and guilting them with the fact it means her and BF are absolutely over.
She then proceeded to tell BF that she isn't happy that I am around the children because they are not my children and I will never be good enough for them. this really upset my BF.
He just wants her to be happy that I love those kids and treat them with love and respect when we are together but she won't have it.
please tell me that this will blow over at some point.
BF is so upset, I am upset and the kids are upset.
Me having BPD is now making me so paranoid that he will leave me and that I will never be good enough for him and his kids.
I just need so reassurance and advice on how to deal with this.
I have always maintained silence on the matter and I'm not sure if I should tell BF how I feel.

@Ladydayblues1

OP you've got a glimpse of what the future looks like. Is this how you want to live, because in reality it's not going to change.

If you decide to stay then you've got years of this ahead of you. Every Christmas, birthday or school holiday. Major events, weddings, funerals. Just read through this board. Will this put you in good place from a mental health perspective?

If you do want to continue, you're going to need to go into it with your eyes open and find the strength to deal with the conflict.

100% this

Save yourself a life of this shit.

You’re only in this relatively recent, get out while you still can.

@NCISGibbs:
A man who is raising the possibility of your living together or the prospect of your having a child together while he is not yet divorced is not ,in my opinion, someone that brings good judgment to your relationship table. Add to that, introducing you to his young children prior to his divorce and involving them in a discussion of his love life does not bode well for the quality of judgement and decision-making that he demonstrates.

This man has not yet had time to experience himself as a legally single adult and parent and he is already engaging in talk of marriage and additional children with yet another woman.
In your case, I would not see this man again until he is legally divorced and has spent at least 6 months getting to know and experience himself as a single adult and parent.

If the relationship cannot survive a 6 month hiatus, it was not likely a very strong or committed relationship.

[quote Tiredoftattler]@NCISGibbs:
A man who is raising the possibility of your living together or the prospect of your having a child together while he is not yet divorced is not ,in my opinion, someone that brings good judgment to your relationship table. Add to that, introducing you to his young children prior to his divorce and involving them in a discussion of his love life does not bode well for the quality of judgement and decision-making that he demonstrates.

This man has not yet had time to experience himself as a legally single adult and parent and he is already engaging in talk of marriage and additional children with yet another woman.
In your case, I would not see this man again until he is legally divorced and has spent at least 6 months getting to know and experience himself as a single adult and parent.

If the relationship cannot survive a 6 month hiatus, it was not likely a very strong or committed relationship.[/quote]
I didn't say he had said this to me, I made it very clear that this was my feelings on the matter. We have discussed the possibility of these things yes because I wanted to be clear from the start as to what I wanted and was prepared to accept and not accept.
It was actually afterlookingthroughthese threads and seeing people saying that it is important to be clear from the start as to what you want in life and how you see things playing out, to save heartache later on. We are both nearly in 40s so yes in 18 months if we are still as strong as we are, he is completely divorced and the children are settled, I will be happy to consider all of those things.
I didn't see the point of fucking about to realise that we want totally different things in life and break up later on.
I thought I was being sensible and protecting myself and kids by doing this but maybe that was an error in my judgement.
I too am doing my best. I have no idea how to date the right way with children from previous marriage.
I was married for 12 years so dating really was something completely alien to me. I never expected to be with someone now, I was happy to be on my own. Life happens and after the years of abuse and control I am happy to find someone that adores his children and treats me and my kids with the kindness and respect that we deserve

Consider yourself lucky that you got an insight into her behaviour early on. This will impact heavily on your kids too, and will spoil every Christmas, birthday, event, holiday. Do you really want to put yourself and your kids through that?

If he has 50/50 care of the children then he needs a suitable home too - as far as that is possible to achieve. Where is he living? He should get some help with financial order to work out what is best for all.

How on earth does he pay the mortgage, maintenance, rent on his own place and help with children's costs?! I can't imagine there is anywhere where the housing costs make that even nearly possible. Doesn't add up.

@NCISGibbs
Your new love interest may be wonderful to you and your children. He may be showing you all of the love and respect that you deserve.

The issue for.me would be that he is not showing his own children the respect that they deserve. He is not yet divorced from their mother and yet he is involving them in his live life. How confusing must it be and what kind of message does it send to children when mom and dad are still married to each other but both have and are having girl friends and boy friends at the same time.

Your relationship could have continued on its course as neither of you are seemingly bothered about dating while still married, and that is a perfectly acceptable decision for 2 adults. What is ,at least in my mind, questionable is the need to involve your children in such a situation until it has been legally resolved.

Divorce's can take a moment, but neither of you are going away ,and in a situation where you are perfectly willing to be alone what was the need to inform his children at this juncture? A chaotic situation has now been created and your relationship has not been advanced in any positive manner.

You have nothing to lose by giving this situation time to evolve. Neither of you has another relationship waiting in the wings and you can only benefit from his taking time to adjust to his status as a single parent and legally divorced male. He has not yet had that experience and may not be fully prepared for the feelings that will come with the finalizing of his marriage and the restructuring of his financial situation.

Obviously, you are enjoying his companionship at the moment; so even if the relationship does not prove to be long lasting , you will have had a happy and pleasant interlude. Neither of you are using the other, and you are both enjoying the moment.

@Anotherweekend

If he has 50/50 care of the children then he needs a suitable home too - as far as that is possible to achieve. Where is he living? He should get some help with financial order to work out what is best for all.

How on earth does he pay the mortgage, maintenance, rent on his own place and help with children's costs?! I can't imagine there is anywhere where the housing costs make that even nearly possible. Doesn't add up.

He is renting a flat and had a small amount of savings to buy furniture etc. Rent here for a 2 bed flat is only £300 a month and I don't know about his mortgage but I know they overpaid for years so only have 12-18 months left.

Has he got a great pension, then, that he's prepared to hand over the house but still have 50:50 care? Does his ex work?

I don't actually know about his finances entirely, unless we are moving in together it is one of my business. He has his flat and she is in the former marital home.
Until she screamed at the kids about divorce they had no idea what a divorce even was, they are only in primary school.
@Tiredoftattler I am divorced, nowhere on this thread have I said that I am still married, it is only my bf that is married.
In you opinion we have fucked up, that's fine you are entitled to the opinion that people shouldn't date and involve kids until a divorce is complete from any former relationships. I don't believe that and many other people don't, I know people that have gotten engaged while former marriages are being dissolved especially if they are taking some time, I don't believe that is okay but I don't just he other couples for it.
I don't know their life and you don't know mine.

@HollowTalk

Has he got a great pension, then, that he's prepared to hand over the house but still have 50:50 care? Does his ex work?

Yes as I said above she is a high tax earner and he is low wage, she has far more to gain from this situation than he does and I don't know why that has been agreed between them. Tbh I don't want to ask and upset him by making him think I am prying. We don't live together and don't plan to for a while yet so I don't feel his finances are any of my business. I am saving to buy a home on my own and will be ready to in the next 12 months so it will be a conversation that needs to happen before I would consider him joking my home.

@NCISGibbs

I was not suggesting that you were married. You stated that both the ex and your partner had dated even though they are still married.

I am not judging the dating; I am questioning the wisdom if making young children privy to your love life under those circumstances.

Certainly, the fallout from this experience and disclosure suggest that there might have been a better time and manner to make this disclosure.

That aside, the horse is out of the barn. So you may just need to enjoy your relationship and let nature take its course.

Tbh I always think its unfair when married couples split up and then suddenly get new partners often or not its really confusing and unsettling time for dc, they are still in the process of coming to terms with a big change and the new added partners in the mix doesn't bode well. It sounds like she's not over the split. Obviously you got your bf version of events but you don't now how true they are really, the fact they aren't divorced yet and his kids are meeting your kids and yours is abit full on. My friend just had a divorce and before it was completed her ex had two girlfriends of them met the kids and moved in and they got a dog together and then suddenly she was gone they split up. I just think a little bit more care and consideration wouldn't go a miss when it comes to marriages breaking down and new partners. I find it odd he would ask his dc if they think he should make you his gf its not appropriate at all.

Tiredoftattler I completely agree divorce has a big impact on children and it unfortunate when adults don't take the time and attention to make sure their children's wellbeing is first and foremost in adapting to such a big change before seeking out another relationship.

Thankyou for everyone's opinions both positive, and constructively critical.
I will just broach the whole subject when I need see him without kids and say I want all the cards on the table as to what is going on.
Then I can make a decision as to what I want and minimise the kids getting too involved as much as I can backtrack now.
I agree it was potentially too soon for him and the kids but that was his decision not mine.
Just as it was her decision to act the way she did towards the kids.
This post was for advice on how I can talk to my bf about it and cope not to seek opinions on how our relationship has developed and included children but thanks anyway for you input :-)

Your BFs situation sounds messy still. Maybe his STBX is controlling maybe shes not, maybe he's trying to manage things without upsetting her and its backfiring. Either way he still has a lot to sort out there and you sound further along in the process. You may have to decide how much you want to get involved, if you have your own home and finances it might be wise to protect that independence for you and your children while seeing how your BF sorts things out with his divorce. As lovely as he may be you might want to take your time and assess if you want this level of difficulty in your life. As others have said, things can settle down over time but that is often dependent on clear boundaries being set between a separated couple. Good luck with it.

Welcome to the second wives club you’ll get used to being enemy number one by their mother. Don’t take it personally. You’ll need a hard shell for it.

Sounds like you both are putting the kids first by playing the long game and then introducing as bf/gf slowly.

Some of the comments on here are batty. It doesn’t matter if he’s yet divorced or not, sometimes it takes time to cut those complete ties. He was separated before he met the OP, and they have been seeing each other for a stretch of time. Of course he is allowed a relationship and to introduce his kids to it. It’s life, he wants a family unit.

If you are happy and the children are happy and can take on a good role for those kids and provide a stable family unit Op, even against the wrath of the ex wife then happy days, fight for your relationship.

@Anotherweekend

How on earth does he pay the mortgage, maintenance, rent on his own place and help with children's costs?! I can't imagine there is anywhere where the housing costs make that even nearly possible.
Doesn't add up.

Why doesn't it add up. It's possible when you're on a high salary.

It’s exactly what my DB does and he's in London with the high house prices.

He got divorced.

Still pays the mortgage on the former marital home, no CM as 50/50 and was renting a house when he moved out, until he bought a new place when he remarried.

The way you first said it, sounded like the kids were there the whole time.

The kids were not there when he told her they had gone to bed actually but she brought them down and sat them on the sofa to have this shouting match.

So he told her in their absence, as they were sleeping. Then she went to get them out of bed from sleep.
Sat them down and proceeded to tell them what dad had just told her and started shouting?

It sounds very extreme.
If this is the case I'd stay well away, because a mother who would do this has serious problems and is unpredictable.

I thought it didn't add up because he earns £18000. OP explained rent and mortgage are low.

@Anotherweekend

I thought it didn't add up because he earns £18000. OP explained rent and mortgage are low.

Ahhh. I missed the £18k. That's very low, so I can see why the question.

Hi Op,

In your first post you asked if you should talk to your boyfriend about your worries and concerns. I think you do need to have a conversation with him about where his head is at after her response. As you've said, you've entered this relationship being honest with what you would potentially like out of it so you need to know how hes likely to be able to handle his ex if* these kind of outbursts are going happen (hopefully it was a one of bad response to news) As the mother of his children there will be times where he should take her feeling into consideration, this is especially important if he wants to co-parent. But that doesn't mean he has to pander to her, give in to unreasonable demands and behave as if he is still in a relationship with her. If he starts showing signs now that he's going to allow her to dictate his relationship with you, ie, limiting your contact with the children after you've already started the blending process, its better you know now as you could save yourself a lot of heartache later on. If he shows he can be respectful of her feeling but firm in making his own decisions then go for it.
Fwiw- whilst my husbands ex was never particularly difficult but she has on several occasions made very unfair and hurtful comments about him to dss. His way of dealing with it was to always ask dss what he thought about it. I've never heard him say a bad word to dss about his mum, he's never accused her of things, never played tit for tat but By giving dss the opportunity to talk about what was said and to think for himself whether she was being fair or not (and he accepted whatever dss said) it took away a lot of the power from her words.

My husband’s ex is always doing things like this when her love life isn’t going well, dumped etc. The time an ex got someone else pregnant was particularly bad 😬 It’s jealousy probably. She doesn’t want him but also doesn’t want you to have him.

It is really hard and more shit has hit the fan this past weekend but the children are still happy as ever and so are we.
We are getting stronger as a couple every day and while I don't believe in 'the one' he is certainly 'my person' and we won't let this crap break us.