BF Ex playing games with kids and I don't know how to help

[NCISGibbs]

The background is that they have been separated for some time, we have been seeing each other since 6 months after they split, its now been over a year of us being together and this last week we have introduced our kids into the mix.
His boys have always know me as his friend and my kids the same.
They approached him and said they would like it if we could be BF and GF and he said he would ask me for them.
It was a very natural and organic process and all of our children are very happy.
However, He respectfully let his STBExW know that the children now know.
She went a bit ballistic in front of the kids, she sat them down as was shouting at my BF and was saying to the kids 'thats it now, do you realise that now he is with her we will never get back together'
' no mum and dad together- ever!!'
the children already knew that as him and STBExW share care and have just applied for decree nisi, but seeing their mum visibly upset and shouting really upset the kids.
Because of this the children said 'but we love '*' and want her and daddy to be BF and GF'
que her going ballistic again and guilting them with the fact it means her and BF are absolutely over.
She then proceeded to tell BF that she isn't happy that I am around the children because they are not my children and I will never be good enough for them. this really upset my BF.
He just wants her to be happy that I love those kids and treat them with love and respect when we are together but she won't have it.
please tell me that this will blow over at some point.
BF is so upset, I am upset and the kids are upset.
Me having BPD is now making me so paranoid that he will leave me and that I will never be good enough for him and his kids.
I just need so reassurance and advice on how to deal with this.
I have always maintained silence on the matter and I'm not sure if I should tell BF how I feel.

She would have done this with any new partner he went out with so don't think that you're not good enough.

Does she have a new partner? That sometimes helps things calm down.

It's up to your partner to hold firm with his boundaries because if he backs down she will ruin all future relationships for him and he's perfectly entitled to end things with his ex forever.

She was seeing someone but I believe it was just dating and it fizzled out.
He said it wouldn't matter if she was with someone else anyway because she says its different for her and she can be with whoever she chooses.
Its the fact that the boys are happy and like me that upsets her. I can understand that but still think that it should not be used as a game or to press the kids to reject me.

She is completely unreasonable, actually unhinged by the sounds of it. I don't think it will settle down. So if you are going to proceed with this family then do it with your eyes open.

OP you've got a glimpse of what the future looks like. Is this how you want to live, because in reality it's not going to change.

If you decide to stay then you've got years of this ahead of you. Every Christmas, birthday or school holiday. Major events, weddings, funerals. Just read through this board. Will this put you in good place from a mental health perspective?

If you do want to continue, you're going to need to go into it with your eyes open and find the strength to deal with the conflict.

She may calm down if your partner realises that his job is to keep you and their children happy but not his ex. This is because she is his ex and they are getting divorced for a reason.

This means he needs to put boundaries in place on how he deals with her and sticks to them.

He also needs to parent his children and not be a Disney Dad. This means you need to step back at times so he can do this without your interference.

Putting boundaries in place with his ex doesn't mean he should not give her the financial assistance/assets she needs to bring up their children within reason.

Oh dear, it sounds like he did not read the room very well. If they aren't even fully divorced yet it seems it was a bit too early for ex-wife or too in the face. She obviously knew you were around but wasn't ready for the big 'naming' of it - whilst you both might be further along perhaps it might have been worth thinking did you need to change the story that was working quite well? I was also a bit about the dad responding to the children's Q are you BF & GF by saying he would ask you? Its really inviting the children into the decision making and that could backfire given they will also love their mum and may feel like they have somehow let her down. I know the way you are looking at it she should be the bigger person and put a front on her feelings - but in real life that isn't always easy. I think your partner needs to see that this has hurt his ex-wife and see what he can do and work through it. It is their issue to resolve though rather than yours.

I think this is likely you be your future so think carefully about whether you want it. If you do, ask your BF to not rely back to you anything that is said and make sure he just reiterates to his children that he and their mum aren’t happy together as a couple so are separate but they both love them very much. Eventually his ex might run out of steam but she also might just carry on like this indefinitely.

This will never end. Please question whether you can deal with this. Your children will hear all sorts too. Some people just can't move on and never will

So they are not even divorced yet. I think I would avoid this mess like the plague

@middleeasternpromise

Oh dear, it sounds like he did not read the room very well. If they aren't even fully divorced yet it seems it was a bit too early for ex-wife or too in the face. She obviously knew you were around but wasn't ready for the big 'naming' of it - whilst you both might be further along perhaps it might have been worth thinking did you need to change the story that was working quite well? I was also a bit about the dad responding to the children's Q are you BF & GF by saying he would ask you? Its really inviting the children into the decision making and that could backfire given they will also love their mum and may feel like they have somehow let her down. I know the way you are looking at it she should be the bigger person and put a front on her feelings - but in real life that isn't always easy. I think your partner needs to see that this has hurt his ex-wife and see what he can do and work through it. It is their issue to resolve though rather than yours.

Wow. Nothing about her abhorrent behaviour? Really?

Op ime she will likely continue like this for some time.

My best advice is draw your line now. I didn't and I took her shit for too long. Don't be a doormat.

Carry on doing what you're doing, the kids obviously like you.

If they mention her abhorrent behaviour then just act like it doesn't bother you. Say oh, that's nice. Or or oh mummy probably doesn't mean that. They will learn that it's her being unreasonable sooner or later.

I think your partner needs to see that this has hurt his ex-wife and see what he can do and work through it.
Eh, No, he doesn't. They are separated, getting divorced & he has moved on. It is not his job to consider her feelings every time he makes a decision. He separated, he met someone else. He waited a good while to introduce the dc. He seems to have more on less done things 'by the book'.
His ex's feelings are hers alone to deal with - it's not up to him to manage them.
@NCISGibbs - like others have said, you need to be very careful moving forward that your dp does not 'obey' his ex's demands as if he does you are on a hiding to nothing.
Like another poster I would also be very wary of asking dc's opinions about your relationship. It's nice for dc to feel included, but inclusion can very quickly turn to feeling like they have an equal say in your relationship & that is also a recipe for disaster.

I think this got out of hand because of how he handled it. That was a recipe for disaster.

It sounds like she was shocked and lost control in front of the kids, which is rather unfortunate for them. Kids don't need to be witness to this kind of behaviour.

The kids shouldn't have been there when he told her. The whole vision of her shouting and telling the kids no more mum and dad back together...then them saying they like/love you could have been avoided.

I also find the whole him asking them if you would be his GF rather weird. You were already in a relationship by then.

She may calm down, maybe she won't, but from her response it looks like she had some hope of a reconciliation.

I feel like if this had been an ex husband screaming at his soon to be ex wife in front of their kids about their new partner the responses would be different. She was way out of line. He doesn't need to consider her feelings when passing along the info.

@SandyY2K

I think this got out of hand because of how he handled it. That was a recipe for disaster.

It sounds like she was shocked and lost control in front of the kids, which is rather unfortunate for them. Kids don't need to be witness to this kind of behaviour.

The kids shouldn't have been there when he told her. The whole vision of her shouting and telling the kids no more mum and dad back together...then them saying they like/love you could have been avoided.

I also find the whole him asking them if you would be his GF rather weird. You were already in a relationship by then.

She may calm down, maybe she won't, but from her response it looks like she had some hope of a reconciliation.

The kids were not there when he told her they had gone to bed actually but she brought them down and sat them on the sofa to have this shouting match.

@Magda72

I think your partner needs to see that this has hurt his ex-wife and see what he can do and work through it. Eh, No, he doesn't. They are separated, getting divorced & he has moved on. It is not his job to consider her feelings every time he makes a decision. He separated, he met someone else. He waited a good while to introduce the dc. He seems to have more on less done things 'by the book'. His ex's feelings are hers alone to deal with - it's not up to him to manage them. *@NCISGibbs* - like others have said, you need to be very careful moving forward that your dp does not 'obey' his ex's demands as if he does you are on a hiding to nothing. Like another poster I would also be very wary of asking dc's opinions about your relationship. It's nice for dc to feel included, but inclusion can very quickly turn to feeling like they have an equal say in your relationship & that is also a recipe for disaster.

I totally get what you are saying about the kids decision making. I believe what happened is they told him they wanted us to be bf and gf and he responded to say that he’d better ask me because they can’t just decide that. Sorry it came across wrong when I posted. However it’s not the way I would have done it and I agree it sort of sets a precedent that they can dictate what happens.

Yes they are not divorced yet but he has had to save up and help pay for the divorce, his priority has been to pay the mortgage for her and the children, get his own place an furnish it and pay maintenance/ provide for the kids. They have a 50/50 shared care split so he is finding it hard to have the spare cash right now nail the mortgage is paid off next year.
Again, it is his decision to payoff the house and sign it over to her as he wants her and their kids to have a secure home.
She has applied for the decree nisi and it shouldn’t take too long for the absolute as his is giving her everything except his pension.
He is a good man, a loving father and he is a fantastic boyfriend. Yes he is making some mistakes being separated and navigating things with the kids but he is doing his best.
Also she was already seeing someone else when he met me so I don’t see how he is hurting her when it’s okay for her to have new relationships

its now been over a year of us being together and this last week we have introduced our kids into the mix.
His boys have always know me as his friend and my kids the same.

Does this mean you’ve known each other’s kids for much longer but have only just ‘told’ them you’re in a relationship?

BF's ex sounds unstable, step back and let BF sort it 🌺

OP one firm boundary you need to ensure your bf puts in place is that anything about you including your health, your children, your family and friends must not be discussed in any shape or form with his ex.

So if she starts talking about you he needs to change the subject or tell her that you are not up for discussion as it is nothing to do with her.

If she claims one of the children has brought it up he need to say something along the lines of "I will discuss it with the child myself as it is nothing to do with you. "

If he doesn't put that boundary in place she can use it to cause lots of trouble, and that is not good for anyone as it would probably end up with him having to go to Court for Child Arrangements whether you end up staying with him or not.

Oh and before he signs over the house to her he need to get proper legal advice as depending on their ages she may be advised to go for pension splitting and to sell the house. They need to do it in a financial order before the absolute.

It sounds like she really lost it. Terrible for the children. If she doesn't normally behave like that then maybe it was an extreme reaction to the news. Obviously her behaviour was awful but for what its worth my ex and I would definitely have discussed this before telling the children. We do with most things.

Sounds like the children had rumbled you before the relationship conversation. There will need to be some careful conversations to make sure they don't feel responsible. I don't think that they wanted you to be boyfriend and girlfriend necessarily reflects how they feel. Sounds like they were trying to make sense of what the relationship is.

Shared parenting requires a lot of cooperation to work well for the children. It does sound like this is going to be hard work. I wonder if she realises afterwards the harm she will have caused the children that evening and would talk to their dad about how to handle it.

is giving her everything except his pension. By the way, often the pension is the biggest asset in a family.

@SandyY2K

I think this got out of hand because of how he handled it. That was a recipe for disaster.

It sounds like she was shocked and lost control in front of the kids, which is rather unfortunate for them. Kids don't need to be witness to this kind of behaviour.

The kids shouldn't have been there when he told her. The whole vision of her shouting and telling the kids no more mum and dad back together...then them saying they like/love you could have been avoided.

I also find the whole him asking them if you would be his GF rather weird. You were already in a relationship by then.

She may calm down, maybe she won't, but from her response it looks like she had some hope of a reconciliation.

Another one excusing her behaviour. Why?!?

@MiddleParking

*its now been over a year of us being together and this last week we have introduced our kids into the mix. His boys have always know me as his friend and my kids the same.*

Does this mean you’ve known each other’s kids for much longer but have only just ‘told’ them you’re in a relationship?

Yes kids have been know to each other as ‘play dates’ or meet up at park etc for around 6 months now. My boys and his met by chance at the park and hit it off (pre teens) and wanted to meet up. I don’t however know their mum and vice versa.

is giving her everything except his pension. By the way, often the pension is the biggest asset in a family
I don’t know the full details as I’m not party to their divorce agreement but as the house will be paid off and she is keeping her own pension he will be very much taking less assets from the marriage than she is. He earns £18,000 and she is in the higher tax bracket.
I have no idea why he has agreed to continue to pay the mortgage as well as maintenance and he still goes halves on expenses such as school uniform and shoes etc.
He just wants the best for his kids and doesn’t really care about the money.
I am however fighting for child support from my ex so just see it that he is a good farther and won’t leave the financial responsibilities for his children on her.
I have been very clear however that I will not consider living together, a child together, marriage etc until they are completely divorced and the burden of the house is gone. Maybe that’s selfish I don’t know but right now I am happy that I have my home with my kids and he has his home with his. Once they are fully sorted and if (only if) all the children are settled would I consider anything different.

It is always unfortunate when young children are made privy to their parents love life. I think that is especially regrettable to suggest that mom or dad has a new love interest when they are not yet divorced.

What possible good could have been the goal of exposing these children to new partners when the marital situation is not yet legally resolved and legally ended? Both the mom and the dad seem only to be thinking about themselves, but as so often happens it is the children who suffer from the fallout of these poorly managed situations.