What would YOU do?

[mummyblueyes]

DSD comes to stay every other weekend and DH sees her for tea in the week too.

Her DM works full-time and so she has to go to breakfast club, afterschool club etc, sometimes even getting up at 5 am to go somewhere else before breakfast club. She is 8. Even when her DM has time to spend with her, she nearly always takes her to GP's houses, or even friend of a friends uncles, sister, dogs....you get my drift!

We asked if we could have her more but she said that she 'doesn't approve of her coming to stay with us so she certainly isn't going to let her stay extra!'. However, whenever she wants a holiday, has no other babysitter, has a new bf and so on, she is more than happy for us to have her! I think she likes to keep the amount of 'set' stay overs down for CSA purposes!

It hurts that she says she doesnt approve of her staying with us as we are a lovely, happy family, we have two other DD's here and they all get on brilliantly. We have a nice home, are well respected and live in a nice area. Not that any of this matters, but I can't see why she doesn't like her coming to stay with us.

Now, DSD's DM, she is quite well off. Not loaded, but has enough to do what she wants and dress nicely. BUT, she dresses DSD terribly. She often comes in pants age 3-4 (she's 8), holey socks, clothes that are too small, dirty, holey etc. We often send her back in new clothes but next time she comes back the same. I thought she was doing this to upset us but when DH got her from school her uniform was the same! She also doesn't brush DSD's teeth, they are literally falling out of her mouth. She is very overweight and says she only has a bath or shower at our house. She never gets her hair cut. She makes her go to bed at 7 and makes her keep her bedroom door shut all night. She is never allowed friends round and stays in house all the time apart from school, just playing on computer.

Having DD's of my own it breaks my heart that she is being treated like this when not with us. I had her for 2 weeks in the school holidays and she was so happy with us, she didn't want to go home.

My DH is really sad about this, and is very quiet about it sometimes. When her question his XP about the dentist, why her clothes are always dirty etc, she said she doesn't have time for laundry as she is a working mum!

Well I have three jobs, two plus one children and I manage to do this basic things. Yes my house might be a tip sometimes but my kids are well looked after.

When she found out DH had spoken to school nurse about teeth etc, she threatened us never to have her again. Anyway, it resulted in DSD going to dentist, being told things needed to be done and then her DM never taking her back.

DSD's DM is so smart looking, intelligent, wears expensive clothes etc, there is just no need for her to treat DSD like this.

Is this neglect?

Sorry this is so long, just needed to write it all down.

sounds like neglect to me.

Although am not sure what your options would be - would your dh consider going for custody?

if it is like you say, then yes it is.

i would get your DP to speak to his solicitors and get his concerns noted

if she herself is tidy, clean and in laundered clothes, there is no reason for her DD to have dirty , tatty clothes and not bathe.

if i was being generous, i might suggest she is depressed or has other issues that are stopping her from confronting this situation and making it better

id; take legal advice ASAP

Thanks so much for your replies.

Luckily DSD is at an age when she can start to wash herself, do her own teeth etc. We have educated her on this but she still needs a LOT of pushing to actually do it! It was a lot harder when she was 3, very upsetting. She had been to us with nits, ear infections etc etc, which her DM hadn't bothered about.

When DH did mention custody, court hearing etc, she threatened to never let us see him again.

I know her DM has been depressed in the past, but now she has a job she loves, a longterm DP, lots of holidays etc (which she never takes her DD on) and she looks so much better in herself than she used to. So smart and 'together' but if you put her and her DD together, you would never believe they were mother and daughter!

Don't get me wrong, she loves her mum and I am certain her mum loves her, she gets fed etc, but there is definitely something lacking.

does dhs ex partner have a residency order?

tbh, some of the things you've listed, I do. i'm a single parent,. working full time and have three dcs. my children don't get their hair cut very often (probably about twice a year) my two youngest children are meant to go to bed at eight (but they visit every so often) on the basis that i need some time to myself after working all day. an eight year old should be responsible for brushing their own teeth - ok, they may need to be reminded, but they should be brushing them themself. sometimes they go to school in dirty uniforms and they don't get a bath everynight, or they'd be up an extra hour drenching my bathroom - and i'd be up an extra hour washing ironning etc

does dhs ex have another adult in the home with her? i appreciate that you work hard and manage your dds - but there is an extra pair of hands there (dh!) to do some of the parenting.

everything else though - yes. i guess we can all pick out things that you've listed as not being acceptable - and things that we do. it's the whole picture that counts. i would at least make dental appointments for your dsd, but i'd send her back to her dm in her holey clothes.

sorry - cross post for the teeth brushing etc.

Oh persephonesnape, I don't mean to get at single parents. I too was a single parent and I do remember how hard it was but if I had had chance to wash and iron one set of clothes it would have been my DD's and not mine!

She does have another pair of hands in the house. Her DP doesn't live there but he stays there every (?) night, so I suppose he does live there really!

I can't send her back in her holey clothes, it makes DH too sad to see her like that.

I do agree that an 8 year old should do their own teeth but she never brushed them when she was 3. My own DD who is 8 does her own teeth but I do have to remind every night! DSD's DM never reminds her about these things.

The bath thing - we have her overnight every other weekend - surely a little girl needs more regular baths than this?

i would get legal advice.

its not ok that every challenge is met with a threat to withdraw contact altogether. you need to know if she has the power to do that.

and you and your dp should talk about perhaps going for custody imo. again, legal advice neccessary.

btw - i often 'look' together to the outside world when im a crumbled mess inside. appearances are not everything.

but yes, overall picture says that your dsd is not getting the care she deserves to me. based entirely on one sides view of course.

i do know mummy blueeyes - i wasn't trying to have a go either. it comes across how much you care about this little girl in your original post

does dhs ex have formal custody or a residency order? I think your options stem from the legal standing at the moment if you catch my drift...

Not as far as I know - would I be aware of this?

I'm not very good with things like that as me and my XH still have a brilliant relationship (for the sake of our child), so we've never had a cross word or anything like this.

My DH was never married to his XP so she says he has no parental rights.

oh Mummyblueeyes, this business of the parent with care restricting contact with the other parent in order to get the maximum CSA payments is so common. It's such a shame that this organisation that is supposed to be helping children is doing so much damage to them.

I have a huge amount of respect for single parents, especially those that manage to work as well look after children on their own. My situation sounds quite like yours. I appreciate that it is very hard for my DP's ex to work full time and deal with 3 DC. Sometimes I feel that they are not being cared for well there. They often seem to be wearing dirty clothes or are unwashed etc. I believe that this is because she just doesn't have the time to do all the things that we have time for while my DSC are with us. It's just such a shame that she feels that the has to restrict DP's time with his CD as I really think that we would be able to help her. She also frequently leaves DSC with other people , which she often pays for. It's so infuriating as most of those times we would be able to look after them.

Is it a possibility that the ex sends her around in holey, dirty clothes, so you and dh will feel bad and buy her new ones?

My dsd often arrives at our house in this state.

Oops! His DC not CD!
I also think that you need to go to court, at least to get parental responsibility for your DP. I have heard that it is very rare (only in cases where there is a child protection issue) that a court wouldn't grant this. Then he will be able to do things like take her to the dentist etc. That's what me and my DP do. I'm sure it wouldn't be too difficult to get more time with your DSD too.

Mummynumber2 - thank you. We are a little worried she'd make something up in court as a reason why we couldn't have DSD more, she is very vindictive. Saying that though, I don't know what she could really make up but I just don't trust her. I also worry she would turn DSD against us, this is why we try and keep things amicable. BUT, I agree something needs to be done.

I speak from experience when I say that I know how hard it is to look after a child and work while being a single parent, but she only has this one DD to look after, she is looked after by GP's a lot of the time and she really is the easiest little girl to look after. She is helpful more than anything!

Panic Pants - this is what I initially thought, until DH picked her up from school in an emergency one day and she was the same at school

No doubt ex will make things up to try and keep contact as low as possible especially if financial loss is part of the reason. Dh ex is always trying to get our contact reduced with using lies and as of last thursday we have again proved her to be a liar and the reason for wanting a reductuion in contact was that we would have to pay a higher rate of Child maintance which we honestly could not afford as well as a 200 mile round trip to collect and return. Ex has constantly told lies about us.
I would defuinately get legal adise and get it taken to court and state all your concerns as concerns for your DSD not as a petty way. Also state that you believe that she is unwilling to up contact for financial gain and the courts do not look to kindly on this.
Also which is a must and easier said than done but you must do it DIY as it will cost a lot less and you can say a lot more than ever an over paid solicitor would say. Ex would have to prove what she says and I always say lies can never never be proven. so If this is all true and then your concerns are valid and when you go to court DH can apply for parental responsibilty and judge will give if he is the father and has no concern about your DH. Then you could always look into shared residency. Or asking your DSD what she wants. If she is an older 8year old then the court might consider what she thinks too.
Good Luck and I hope that ex gets the help she needs as I do believe it is neglect, but is intental or due to illness. So either way I hope it all gets sorted for you.
You can get a lot of advise on here about different organisations to join to help you the court appearance DIY. And a few on here have been through simiular that will be willing to help. Good Luck.

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Thank you!

Would DM HAVE to go? I just can't see her co-operating at all, unless she was made to.

There is no reason why DH shouldn't get parental responsibility. He is a lovely, caring, gentle dad. He works with schools and the police and is a highly respected man within his line of work.

When DSD's DM said recently that it was 'detrimental to her health to come to our house', I was so upset. I had no idea what she meant. So I called her and asked. (We really are a loving, family orientated household and DSD loves being here). She said that her DD has a stutter and when she comes to us it's worse as there are so many of us here she can't get a word in edgeways. In truth, she never stutters here, until we say it's time to go home.....

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