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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Step Children

23 replies

cat0303 · 23/03/2021 18:17

Hi
I'm lost as to what I can do.
I am in a relationship and he has children with his ex. There is a real issue at the moment with them accepting the new dynamic which has been for about 2-3 years. My partner will not agree to talking to professionals, I am willing to. Him and his ex built their family ok just them and as such they have very limited exposure to "broken families" and strangers being on the scene u less they are their mums friends. I cannot say or do anything right! And it's come to a point where he's wanting to leave me to put his kids first because they are not accepting the situation! I'm broken and love him and them dearly! Sorry if this is a rant and not appropriate for here but I don't know what else to do!

OP posts:

Fleetw00d · 26/03/2021 23:10

First and foremost he sounds like a really great dad and is putting his children first which is what all parents should do. If he needs to make that decision for his children then that is the right one for him to make. However there are hopefully a few steps you can take before it gets to that point, perhaps talk to him and his ex if you have a good relationship with her and see what you could collectively do as a step family to help the kids feel happier. Has anything changed recently that has caused the kids to struggle, 2-3 years seems like a long time for them to still be struggling? Maybe try and identify what about the dynamic they are struggling with. I have a partner with a son who i have now known for 3 years, I've been lucky in that he has accepted me in his life but I developed more of a buddy relationship with him rather than a parent figure. His dad parents him when he is here and yes he'll listen if I ask him to do something but for the most part we just act like buddies and have a laugh, if he ever needs disciplining then I leave that to his dad. I also make sure I go out or upstairs by myself and give them plenty of time to themselves without me there as the most important thing is them bonding and spending time together and having quality time. I would try and just talk to your partner about what you could try first to help the kids because they're the most important people in this situation!

MNHQ

LouMumsnet · 27/03/2021 10:39

Hi there, @cat0303 - we're just popping on here to say that we've moved your thread to the Step-parenting board and we hope you find useful support and guidance here.

PandaFluff · 27/03/2021 10:44

Do you have any examples of what seems to be causing the problem? Are you maybe taking on too much of the looking after them/disiplining?

aSofaNearYou · 27/03/2021 11:23

If he wants to leave you then I would let him, you're the one who could do better than this situation, frankly.

Original poster

cat0303 · 27/03/2021 12:23

I barely see them at all. He always goes to his exes house as they refuse to come to ours. I have never disciplined any of them, I just play shops, draw, colour, bake there dads birthday cake with them talk about what their interested in etc. From what I'm told which is limited unless I ask, it's the situation, the fact that dad is with someone else they don't like and it could be me or anyone! Their mum and me don't speak and that not because I don't or won't. She keeps him in the dark a lot about what's going on so he feels isolated himself which he is trying to change by going around after work throughout the week and at weekends, but it's always at theirs. I am giving them as much daddy and daughter time as is physically possible. I haven't seen the eldest since before Christmas as she refused to come on Christmas Eve for our Christmas Day so he took presents out and she opened them whilst we did ours at ours via video call. CAMHS is involved with the older two. Life is just treading on eggshells and maybe I'm out of place saying this I don't know but it feels like they are both too afraid to say this is how it is now, and that they need to see their dad away from his exes! I have no children I had a miscarriage in April last year, I often feel like I'm getting the constant you don't have kids you don't know what your talking about but I'm not so many words!

OP posts:

KylieKoKo · 27/03/2021 13:06

You deserve better than this op. It won't get better.

Fleetw00d · 27/03/2021 13:16

Now that you've given more background I completely see where you're coming from and understand your frustrations. It sounds like it's really not fair on you or the kids to keep going down this path. Maybe try having an open and honest conversation with your partner and see if you can suggest him taking the kids out like to the park or something without his ex as seeing them constantly at hers is probably confusing them a lot more because it's just delaying them separating the two. It's been long enough that you definitely have a right to talk to him about it and express your concerns, and if the conversation doesn't go the way you hope it does then unfortunately it's probably in your best interests, and the kids, to go your separate ways so you can find someone else and a more positive situation .

Fleetw00d · 27/03/2021 13:18

I forgot to add, I think this situation would be happening regardless of who his partner was and you sound like you're doing everything right. Their issue is more that mum and dad aren't together and struggling to accept that and would feel the same towards anyone he was with!

SandyY2K · 27/03/2021 13:22

I think his proposal to end things is best for everyone. His kids are obviously not ready to see their dad in a new relationship.

It would have been better that he dealt with that issue before the two of you lived together.

It's not that he can't have a relationship, but if he had his own house, then he could maintain his relationship with you separate from his kids.

Hettyhopper · 27/03/2021 13:29

I don't think this is you. As hard as it may feel I think you would be far better off out of this situation and relationship, sorry x

Threeundertwo2 · 27/03/2021 13:37

This isn’t down to you, OP. I think you’re doing well to still be there and want to work on things.

I don’t think it’s going to change if he’s not willing to acknowledge the issue or put things in place to change the dynamic. The reality for them all (children and parents) is that they’re separated - that often means doing things separately. Time with each parent, separately.

You matter just as much as the children, it’s not fair that your Christmas, etc is being ruined because of it.

If you did go on to have children, it would only become more difficult as it sounds like he’d leave you and your child to be with his other children all the time...

HauntedPencil · 27/03/2021 13:38

Sorry I'm just thinking run for the hills here.

Sorry, it sounds like a really horrible stressful situation that won't be resolved

LadyCluck · 27/03/2021 13:41

You deserve better OP.
If he wants to leave, let him. I doubt the situation will improve for you. If you stay together you’ll never truly know where you stand and you’ll never be a priority.
I speak from experience.
As hard as it is, let him and all the baggage go.

PandaFluff · 27/03/2021 13:56

It doesn't sound like they as a family were ready for a newcomer. I don't think there's anything you could do. They all need to get used to the idea that they are a seperated family before introducing someone else.

Milkshake7489 · 27/03/2021 13:57

This must be really difficult OP. It doesn't sound like you've done anything wrong, but your DP is right to put his children's wellbeing ahead of any relationship, even if this is extremely difficult for you (and I mean this very gently, your feelings are important, but a parent's primary responsibility is to their children).

No one here can say whether his children are really suffering because of their dad having a new partner, or whether other factors are at play, but this isn't your decision to make.

Some parents choose not to have relationships until their children leave home because they believe it's in their children's best interests, others work hard to make a blended family work... there's no right or wrong (as long as all the children involved are prioritised). But there's also nothing you can do to control the situation, except choosing whether to end the relationship yourself.

LatentPhase · 27/03/2021 14:08

Your DP and his ex haven’t emotionally been brave and separated. Heaven knows why this happens. Fear, probably, masquerading here as ‘concern for the kids’.

He can’t and won’t be brave and can’t and won’t prioritise you.

You’re getting crumbs from the table of his life.

Hard as it is, you probably should walk away from this and leave them to it

RedGoldAndGreene · 27/03/2021 14:14

He's not ready to be in a new relationship. You're in for more of this if you hand around except it will be even worse if you have a child as he'll prioritise the older kids over yours.

LatentPhase · 27/03/2021 14:16

He also isn’t ‘putting his kids first’ I don’t think, by getting sucked back in by the ex.

But I know I’m probably in the minority in thinking that. What I think is that not playing games, and healthy boundaries are right for everyone, particularly children.

Hettyhopper · 28/03/2021 10:51

Completely agree @LatentPhase. I have watched confused children struggle with exactly this.

sassbott · 28/03/2021 13:04

Op, he’s weak. And he’s just as much a problem in this situation as his ex.
The children will be intensely confused by this set up. He and the ex have not implemented boundaries. Why after 2-3 years is contact happening in the exes house? There’s zero justification for it other than that’s what these two adults are choosing to do. It has nothing to do with the children and everything to do with the ex and him. I’m sorry if that’s painful to hear.

I ended my relationship with me exp a good few months ago for exactly this reason. When two exes cannot implement healthy boundaries. The cold harsh reality is that their dysfucntion with one another is still their primary relationship. They all cite ‘the children’, but essentially that’s just an excuse. They continue to enact their dysfunction via their children, causing intense emotional issues in their children.

You don’t stand a chance right now. Walk away. Trust me on this. I stayed about a year longer than I should have done. It was so hard to finally face up to the reality that what they had (my exp and his EXW), as much as they claimed to ‘hate’ one another. Nothing else could compete.

Threeundertwo2 · 28/03/2021 13:34

@sassbott ^^ THIS 🙌🏻

Amanda87 · 29/03/2021 13:06

OMG, the guy is threatening leaving you? FUCK that! Seriously, OP!!!!
It's hard enough to stay with a man that have children when you are loved and taken care of, let alone when there's clearly some tension and he makes it clear he'll pick his kids!
Seriously, find someone who truly loves you!

Hiphopboppertybop99 · 29/03/2021 14:10

Unfortunately as many PPs have said I think you would be better of out of this relationship.
By continuing with the arrangement to see his kids at the Exs house, your partner is helping no one, not his kids, not you, not himself. The kids will never get used to their parents separation and if your partner is thinking of separating with you because the kids cannot get used to it, this will always be the case for him. They will control his life in that way.

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