2x SD - 1 causing dramas

[Username7684]

DH has 2 children from previous relationship (7 & 9). He travels monthly to see them (day visits only, and is a day trip there and back).
Since lockdown restrictions lifted, 9 year old has started becoming... a little bit difficult - refusing phone calls and visitation a big chunk of time, cries when asked about it.
Started making comments about never going to leave the small town she lives in, rude comments about other family members on dad side and all of a sudden declared that she isn’t comfortable calling him dad. Bright girl, but becoming very materialistic and making lots of shallow remarks that cause tension between relatives. DH let’s a lot go so not to upset the child and she complain to BM.
Younger daughter appears a bit uncomfortable when oldest one is digging heals in but tries to ignore her sister. Has good relationship with father.

Additionally, we didn’t tell the kids until xmas time, but we are also expecting our first child together (will be my first).

Delays with progression of time due to concerns with oldest daughter (BM claims psychological risks). Waiting on new family report.

But it is just so exhausting. Oldest will go on and on about the big new house BM bought, expensive gifts, things BM hates when kids are with us and so on and so on (this is where I believe a lot of the shallow stuff is coming through) - we are big believers on quality family time over quantity of money spent.

I am starting to think, might be better if DH focuses more on his youngest daughter and move progression of time with just her, let the other decide if she wants involvement and call it her loss until she’s old enough to see what’s what if that makes sense.
Just don’t feel the tension and stress is needed during family time, particularly with a newborn

9year olds are evil little so and so's.
Hormones are starting - it's a precursor to teen.

So do right by the easy one and quit bothering with the one that clearly needs a bit extra input?

To stop battling with older one, against her mother who is doing just as well at manipulating the situation as her and let her come on her own time.
Took a long time to get court stuff rolling for any access as location order took ages, so zDH and kids were estranged for 3 years.
Kids been told DH isn’t their dad and he’s just trying to kidnap them.
In court every 2-3 months just to get 12 hours with kids a month over this drama.

Then the child needs her father more not less.

With refusal to travel to our home, and not an option for us to move, while paying a massive amount in child support, plus $300 fuel there and back, plus $400/month accommodation fees and all other expenses we occur with a new baby and regular court fees on top of basic living expenses, that’s not an option.
After child support, DH min wage is below the bread line for our country/state

Should add, it’s a refusal to our home is because we don’t have a house to accommodate her “needs”
The 9yr old needs her own bedroom and bathroom and to have a nice big swimming pool in the backyard.

Sounds very tough and stressful and definitely not what you need at this time... what is DH saying about this, what is their perspective and thoughts ?

If I were you I'd completely (try) and separate myself from that drama and mess. And do what's right for you and your baby ( congratulations BTW)

Is there not a way to communicate the door Is always open approach to the oldest and when she's ready she can always re- establish contact. Like you have said if the youngest is fine , this may prompt the oldest to re-consider down the line.

Just wanted to say, you'll get people piling in because you've said BM. They prefer DM.

It doesn't bother me, but some get very offended.

Where does he stay when he visits them? Are they comfortable there?

In terms of refusing to see him, if it's court ordered she doesn't get a choice does she.

Perhaps your DH can talk to her during visitation and try and get to the bottom of why she's crying when asked.

Why all of a sudden does she not feel comfortable calling him dad? What's changed. Maybe if he can communicate in a calm way, she might open up with him.

Sometimes kids need things broken down in a way they can understand...for example... "DD if [her sister's name] said she didn't want to call you her sister anymore, whst would you say?"

It could be that as she's getting older, she realises he's not around as much as other dads. That he isn't a part of her day to day life and even though that's always how it's been, it still causes confusion and internal conflict.

He should communicate with her as much as possible and let her know he loves her and always will.

Detaching will just reinforce any negative things she may have been told or beliefs she may have formed.

The thing is if he lets go of the 9yo now then it won’t be long before the 7yo cottons on and decides to stop contact when it suits her. From how you described they have a much better lifestyle with dm and add the fact that they live with her and all their friends are there, there’d be no competition between them if they decide he’s a shit dad.