Currently pregnant and feeling insecure... help :(

[indigo27]

So I've been with my partner for 3 years. He has a 5 year old and I have a 9 year old.
I've always been an insecure person and in the beginning found it really difficult as I always worried he'd go back to his ex.
I had no reason to feel this way other than my own paranoid and lack of self esteem.
Anyway fast forward three years, my partner proposed to me and I'm now currently 16 weeks pregnant.
I'm now getting those old paranoid feelings back. When his daughter comes over and we were having dinner she mentioned that her mum told her that her dad always used to cook for her.
I know it's silly but that really upset me- I just felt sad like oh he doesn't really cook that often here. I don't know if it's pregnancy hormones or what but I'm getting these pangs of jealousy a lot at the moment.
I keep worrying that during this pregnancy I'm just going to be compared to her all the time and that references to when they had their daughter are going to keep being made and I just don't want to be compared or hear about their experiences to be honest.
I just want to enjoy my pregnancy.
His ex has been with her partner 4 years and they have another baby so I don't know why I'm feeling this way.
I just feel really low and upset at the moment 😔

Do you honestly believe that a 5 year old child remembers her dad cooking for her mom more than 3+ years ago?

Do you think that her mom who is involved in a new relationship and has a new child Is likely discussing her ex or her previous pregnancies with a 5 year old? The child is probably fantasizing about a life that never existed.

If as you say that you have always been an insecure person, it will probably be your own insecurities that cause you not to enjoy your pregnancy.

Only you can fix your insecurities and the solution does not involve stifling the conversation of a 5 year old.

Why not ask your fiance of 3 years to marry you prior to the birth of your child? That kind of commitment would probably go a long way in reducing your feelings of insecurity.

She's very articulate and I think her mum probably did say that to be honest.
I never stifle conversations, I just let it upset me and keep those feelings to myself.

I'll try talking to my partner but I know he'll just tell me to stop being silly.

You are being really unreasonable OP. You can’t ban a small child from talking about her mother because it annoys you. I get you’re feeling emotional but this is your problem to control.

Sorry can I just clarify I've never banned these convos and never would. I just feel sad on the inside and always keep it to myself
I'm just talking here as I don't know what to do or why I'm feeling this way

I hope you didn’t think you’d get a sympathetic ear and some constructive advice on here OP, you’ve come to the wrong place for that it seems.
Can Totally relate to the constant mum references, so annoying! I feel your pain.

It's not easy! And at 16 weeks pregnant you have hormones racing everywhere which makes things even harder! I remember going to find a wedding dress and the whole way to the appointment my DSD was regailing

Maybe the mom did say it. Sometimes, it can be important to let children know that there were good times and positive things that happened between their parents. As a parent yourself, don't you ever say anything to your 9 year old to let her know that at some point her parents did care about each other and did positive things for and with each other? That kind of interaction with a child goes far in letting them know that they were conceived in what was at one-time a loving relationship.

Again, if you have a history of being insecure, it is not others who can fix your thoughts and feelings. That solution lies with you. Both you and your partner have gone through the pregnancy experience. Surely both of you can hear tid bits of information without interpreting them as comparisons. Certainly, you must in your own thinking have thoughts of your prior pregnancy. Those thoughts should only inform and not diminish your enjoyment of this experience.

YANBU to have totally insane thoughts and feelings whilst you are pregnant - my hormones were all over the place when I was expecting.

But of course you are unreasonable to stop yourself enjoying your pregnancy because of your own made up insecurities.

You’ve said it yourself - you have no real reason to feel insecure. You are projecting your own lack of self worth into a small child.

Of course your partner has experienced pregnancy before, he has children. He’s done it all before. But that doesn’t mean it isn’t special and amazing. Most ppl have more than one child, it doesn’t make the second any less amazing because it’s not “new”. Every child is amazing and special.

Your thoughts are making you feel bad. So stop putting any value into those thoughts. They’re not real or true. So in that way, you are completely unreasonable to ruin a special time for yourself over something you can absolutely choose to stop.

... sorry sent too soon! She was telling me all about the epic love story between her dad and her mom. She didn't do it out of malice, she didn't even realise it would upset me!! Don't take things too personally.

When DH and I had our first DC we talked about how I appreciated that he’d had his DSD before and I always welcomed hearing nice memories but I didn’t want to always be hearing “we did it this way” or “ex did it this way” as I felt a little sensitive about the fact that he’d already done these things. He was conscious of that and when it came to DD being born he saw how different each baby was and the knowledge he did have was useful. My DSD had a younger sister at the same time and would make comments about what her mum did and I’d just say politely oh that’s nice, I do it like this.
Pregnancy heightens your emotions and can make you feel oddly paranoid. There’s a story I tell in a funny way about a water bottle I found in the house when I was pregnant with my second and acted quite irrationally about but it wasn’t particularly funny at the time.

Oh gosh OP I completely understand! I'm heavily pregnant - due any day - and I'm massively more emotional and sensitive than normal.

I found it hard at first to think DP had been there done that etc, but he was actually great about it and said he would try not to make comparisons etc, as essentially (his words), this was "our" first time, if not "his" first time. It's helped massively.

Sending from one pregnant lady to another.

@Splonking

I hope you didn’t think you’d get a sympathetic ear and some constructive advice on here OP, you’ve come to the wrong place for that it seems. Can Totally relate to the constant mum references, so annoying! I feel your pain.

Some of us are alright.

@indigo27

Sorry can I just clarify I've never banned these convos and never would. I just feel sad on the inside and always keep it to myself I'm just talking here as I don't know what to do or why I'm feeling this way

Ah ok. It’s probably just the hormones talking. I wouldn’t bring it up with your DP as you have no reason not to trust him and you will make it a ‘thing’ that currently doesn’t exist.

I mean, first two posts:

"the solution does not involve stifling the conversation of a 5 year old" and "You can’t ban a small child from talking about her mother because it annoys you".

Yet not one single reference in the OP to "banning" the child from talking.

The inferences and extrapolations never cease to amaze me.

Exactly lucie! Some people can’t wait to go on the attack.

@LucieStar

I mean, first two posts:

"the solution does not involve stifling the conversation of a 5 year old" and "You can’t ban a small child from talking about her mother because it annoys you".

Yet not one single reference in the OP to "banning" the child from talking.

The inferences and extrapolations never cease to amaze me.

It was hypothetical, the only thing OP could do to stop this is ban the child from talking about her mother, which obviously she isn’t going to do. I didn’t say that was what she was planning on doing, only that the only remedy to her problem isn’t an option.

Apart from this incident has your SD said or done anything else to make you feel insecure?

I keep worrying that during this pregnancy I'm just going to be compared to her all the time and that references to when they had their daughter are going to keep being made and I just don't want to be compared or hear about their experiences to be honest

But you're the one doing the comparing. No-one else. The child is merely relating an anecdote.
The solution is for you to stop comparing, but you can't do anything about not hearing their experiences.

OP, I think you're just letting everything get on top of you a bit. Pregnancy is an emotional time .

I keep worrying that during this pregnancy I'm just going to be compared to her all the time and that references to when they had their daughter are going to keep being made and I just don't want to be compared or hear about their experiences to be honest.

Nobody has compared you yet by the sounds of it, so no need to worry. If it does come up, then just tell your DP that you don't want to hear it. Having an older child yourself I'm sure that you don't keep comparing how things were when you were with your ex either, so I doubt your DP will.

As for your SD's comments, don't set any store by them at all. She has probably just asked her mum if her dad used to cook and she's said yes.

He's never gonna go back to her. He proposed to YOU!!
Stop being so dramatic and paranoid.

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

I would ask OH to try and keep comparisons with his ex in his head. For the 5 year old though it might help her feel bonded with the baby when it is here. Eg. If there's a toy she used to play with and baby has one then that's a nice comparison.

You might find that his having had a newborn before is really helpful, he will know how to change nappies for a start!